Perhaps, Arsene, you should try buying a striker before the Chelsea game. Manchester United might appreciate it.

NEXT time Arsenal play Manchester United, it might be a good idea to use a striker. And find a better midfielder than Denilson. There are several in my local Sunday League.

The Gunners' 3-1 defeat at the Emirates, their first in the League to Sir Alex Ferguson's men at their new ground, was even worse than Andy Murray's straight sets defeat against Roger Federer in the Australian Open this morning.

At least Murray showed a bit of spirit, a bit of fight. Arsenal, like Murray, will no doubt be hoping they have a bit of youth on their side, and consoling themselves that Gooners have suffered five years of trophyless hurt rather than the 74 years Britain has waited for a tennis Grand Slam.

In truth, though Murray wept following his defeat, the future is bright for the young Scotsman. For Arsenal, they've got Chelsea at Stamford Bridge next.

And what have they done so far in the transfer window? Persuaded Sol Campbell to return, so he can attract any possible new investors in his veteran talents. Is that really all they can afford? Do you think that's good enough for all those season ticket holders paying thousands to see their side humiliated by United?

Wenger, ever the spendthrift, sold Emmanuel Adebayor to Manchester City amid veiled threats to buy a new striker. But even with Robin van Persie injured and Eduardo struggling to recover his form after that awful ankle injury last season, he has done nothing. Scrooge sits over his candle every night counting the gold pieces while the silverware slips away.

Today we had Nicklas Bendtner coming on when the pint-sized Andrie Arshavin had been muscled out of it again and again. Oh, and Theo Walcott. The pace of a greyhound, the touch of poodle.

In the end, William Gallas, one of the few with real spirit, was up front trying to get another goal back. And he very nearly did. Shows what a positive attitude might have achieved today.

Thank God Cameroon didn't stay to the end of the African Nations Cup in Angola. Without Alex Song, Arsenal would have been over-run.

As it was, that uniquely awful midfield trio of Denilson, Amir Nasri and Tomas Rosicky contrived to produce absolutely nothing between them.

When Wayne Rooney broke away to score his goal, Denilson saw him coming and just let him run past. Glorious. Elsewhere, things are little better. Spanish beachboy Manuel Almunia managed to turn Nani's cross into his own net, but only after the Portuguese under-achiever had been given a real confidence boost by the fumbling - and lack of pace - of the once-competent Gael Clichy.

Cesc Fabregas did little and looked like he was dreaming of Barcelona, Arshavin had no chance on his own, Gallas and Tomas Vermaelen - who will claim the deflected Arsenal consolation - might be worth a place in a top three Premier League club. Song was the Top Gun. Those five aside, the rest could be replaced by decent, British-born Conference players. At least they'd give a damn. At least they'd put in a tackle. At least they'd give it some for their £60,000-a-week.

Forget Nasri, Rosicky, Clichy, Sagna and particularly Denilson. These men will never win a Premier League title, as they will prove once more against Chelsea next week. Wenger has just over 24 hours to sign a decent striker. He should be thinking about a couple of midfielders too, though why he didn't try Aaron Ramsay and let Luke Wilshere go to Bolton on loan, who knows?

Couldn't we get David Bentley back, Arsene? Or one of the other many young Englishmen you sucked the life out of before replacing them with lacklustre foreigners?

Sure, third place looms again. And perhaps a Champions League quarter-final, if we're lucky.

But having seen Robert Pires, Patrick Vieira, Mathieu Flamini, Thierry Henry, Gilberto Silva, Emmanuel Adebayor and Kolo Toure go, Sol Campbell doesn't quite cut it as a sole replacement.

Wenger said afterwards: "We were poor defensively. We were punished. We made massive individual mistakes. It's a disappointment for us. We were poor, we know we can do much better for that. Give us some time to analyse that.

"It's our job not to feel sorry for ourselves. When you're completely off the mark, it's difficult."

He avoided the question when asked if Chelsea was now a must-win. And when Sky asked him if he was planning a late swoop in the January transfer window, it was a straightforward: "No."

The agony. You're a great manager Wenger, but a stubborn cuss. Spend some money. Find us a striker and a goalkeeper. And get rid of Denilson. The fans have spoken.

Sir Alex? He was understandably happy with a stroll against the Gunners. And he grinned: "We'd like them to go and hammer Chelsea at the Bridge."

But he knows it won't happen. It's a two-horse race. Again.

A Bridge too far for Terry. But he doesn't seem to think so.

SO the full, damning truth is out. England captain John Terry - scorer of a superb winner for Chelsea against Burnley last night - didn't just have an affair with his best mate's partner, he made her pregnant and paid for the abortion, as I revealed here on Friday.

His former Stamford Bridge team-mate Wayne Bridge, who moved to Manchester City last year, apparently only found out last weekend when Terry and his lawyers tried to get an injunction against the News of the World printing the story. He must have been reading the wrong websites. Now Bridge apparently wants to end his 36-match international career, four months before the 23-man World Cup squad for South Africa is named.

And that's why this tawdry tale is a little bit more important than the other affairs Terry is accused of - one of them actually took place in Bridge's house, just down the road from the Terrys in leafy Surrey. He's the Tiger Woods of football, is big John Terry.

This morning Vanessa, who has hired publicist Max Clifford to maximise her earnings potential from this story, is quoted as saying: "Wayne rang me last weekend and started shouting at me and accusing me of having an affair. It was terrible. He was saying horrible things.

"Wayne was convinced I had been cheating on him because the court action had been taken. It was an agonising call and he was furious."

Sure, Terry's mother and mother-in-law were accused of shoplifting together at Marks & Spencer and the News of the World had pictures of his father apparently trading dodgy stuff last year.

But none of that affected his position as England captain. This time, with an England squad team-mate involved in his shenanigans, what does Fabio Capello, the Generalissimo, do now?

We all know Terry is the best centre-back in England. And a superb leader. He proved again last night all this has little affect on his actual performances on the field. He chose Turf Moor to score his second Premier League goal of the season, and modestly refused to celebrate when he'd broken Burnley's hearts, much as he has Bridge's.

Big deal. But read the full story in the News of the World today and you'll see what a rat the man is. Sneaking around since before his Blenheim Palace marriage to Toni Poole, mother of his three-year-old twins, flirting and eventually bedding the undeniably more attractive Vanessa Perroncel (see News of the World picture above, on her mobile phone yesterday, I'm starting to dislike the woman).

Look, there are hundreds of married men who get themselves in a mess like Terry. But he does it again and again. And the man is an icon, a trend-setter, a role model. He presents himself as the perfect father of Georgie John and Summer Rose, even won Father of the Year last year.

But here is is, yet again, letting the missus down after promising her before the big magazine-sponsored nuptials that he would not do it again.

But he did. And with the mother of his pal's child. Toni's best mate Vanessa. Apparently they agreed to the abortion last year and afterwards he gave her £20,000 to "cheer her up". He had to leave an England training camp early to be at her bedside for the operation, which was delayed until he got there. According to a source, he reckons the whole thing 'brought them closer together'.

It's all there in the News of the World today. Bridge and Perroncel, at 33 four years older than the £130,000-a-week Terry, split in December. And neither Wayne nor Toni knew anything other than the fact their partners flirted a lot, and had done for years.

It's sad, it pathetic and it's deceitful. If it hadn't been for an open-minded judge on Friday, all this would remain the stuff of internet blogs, the subject of continual rumour and gossip.

But now it's out in the open. The papers are full of it. And Terry can't possibly carry on as our nation's footballing figurehead. Do we really want a man like that lifting the World Cup on July 11 at Soccer City, Johannesburg.

Well, yes, say a lot of football fans after 43 years of hurt. Doesn't matter who lifts that bloody World Cup as long as it's England. And Bobby Moore, the last man to lift it, was no angel.

Capello and the FA are staying quiet on all this for now. But on February 27, Bridge's City and Terry's Chelsea go head to head. Four days later England play Egypt in a World Cup warm-up. That's crunch time. That's when we find out who will lead England in South Africa.

The bookies are saying it won't be Trry. I suspect they're right. But what do you, the fans think? Feel free to comment or email. We need to know. Me? I'd sling him out tomorrow. There are more important things than football. Ask Wayne Bridge.

The story they've finally allowed us to print: John Terry: The full and awful truth

ENGLAND captain John Terry will have his life turned upside down this weekend after an injunction preventing allegations of an affair were lifted today.

Tomorrow I am tasked with appearing on Sky News to debate the morals on press freedom versus privacy at 9.10am. Even when we're talking footballers, it’s not an easy topic.

Terry, who has already seen his father Ted publicly accused of drug peddling and his mother Sue revealed as a shop-lifter, now faces accusations of an affair with a former team-mate’s partner.

According to most sources – including tomorrow’s Mirror, Sun, Daily Mail and Telegraph - the story involves his England team-mate Wayne Bridge’s long-term partner, French actress and model, Vanessa Perronce. Bridge was at Chelsea with Terry before he moved to Manchester City last year in a £14m deal.

Terry successfully prevented last Sunday’s News of the World from publishing details and photographs but today Mr Justice Tugendhat overturned that interim ruling, insisting the information was in "wide circulation amongst those involved in the sport in question, including agents and others, and not just amongst those directly engaged in the sport".

The judge added: "Freedom to live as one chooses is one of the most valuable freedoms, but so is the freedom to criticise".

News of the World legal manager Tom Crone welcomed the decision as "a long overdue breath of fresh air and common sense" and insisted: "Over recent years, there has been more prior restraint on freedom of speech in Britain than in any other democratic country in the world.

"Gagging orders like the one sought by John Terry have been granted to numerous other Premier League footballers and assorted celebrities."

But Chelsea responded: "This is a personal matter for John Terry. The club will give John and his family all the support they need in dealing with it."

Terry, 29, married childhood sweetheart Toni Poole in 2007 (see picture) and is the father of twins. He is expected to captain England at this summer's World Cup finals in South Africa. But according to websites, Terry’s actions have seen team-mate Bridge, also expected to be in the World Cup squad, to question his international future. He has won 36 caps for England. Bridge and Perronce had a son, Jaydon, in November 2006 but split last month.

Tonight the Mirror columnist Oliver Holt has already called for Terry to remain as England captain, suggesting only his performances on the field really matter. I beg to differ, as I will point out on Sky News tomorrow. To read the fully gory details, simply googe “John Terry Wayne Bridge abortion”. It’s not pleasant.

Putting things straight... just written this for a South African magazine while watching Andy Murray struggle in Australia

STRANGE being a sports writer in London as we gear up to the World Cup in South Africa in June. You read all these stories about a country you know so well and think... how can these guys be writing that? How can they pretend to know what's going on, what's gone on? Where's their perspective? But you have no choice.

This week Martin Samuel - the best-paid sportswriter in England, and something of a heavyweight in my world (left, with yet another trophy for his writing) - wrote a piece in the heavily conservative Daily Mail talking about how dangerous the Rainbow Nation is, about how nobody would dare walk down the road to a restaurant. Oh, and he complained about the shanties on the way to the airport and had a go at "PC journalists" who held a different view.

He's a bright lad Martin, but he'd just joined 'let's knock Africa' brigade led by the snobbish private school types in London who dominate the media and push it towards the fascist fringes.

The BBC's Andrew Harding does little better in his scare-mongering piece, which includes a visit to Hillbrow in Johannesburg http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/8479845.stm. Still, at least there's a positive closing sequence. But all this talk of flak jackets and videos of violence. What about London, with the Olympics coming up in two years? No stabbings in our capital? Couldn't foreign journalists do the same kind of muck raking.

Then there's Uli Hoeness, the arrogant German saying he never liked the idea of a World Cup in South Africa. How about flying him out there Rich? Let me take him around the country, see the stadia, witness the miracle?

I'm fuming. I've just spent six weeks in South Africa covering the absorbing Test series from which England escaped with a highly-fortunate draw. Martin had been here a week. I had a long chat to him while we watched England warm up for the last Test at the Wanderers. Didn't seem right or fair to produce a piece like that.

I'd told him my experiences. Centurion, Durban, Cape Town, Johannesburg... I walked everywhere, didn't hire a car. Wandered along the beach front in Durban, celebrated with the masses on Long Street as the New Year dawned in Cape Town, drank with old friends at the Radium Beer Hall in Orange Grove. Never a problem. The country improves every time I visit.

But the international media - apparently even the bright ones like Sammy - prefer to focus on the crime figures, African poverty, political corruption... even the tragic shootings in Cabinda, where Togo's team bus was attacked before the African Cup of Nations. But Cabinda, I keep telling everyone, is further from Johannesburg than Moscow to London. It's always been a troubled area.

I've been on 702, Sky News and opened lines of communication to Rich Mkhondo, my old university mate, at the World Cup communications office. Somebody has to redress the balance. Somebody with a knowledge of South Africa, a feeling for the country. But somebody offering enough detachment to come up with an objective view. And having an English accent helps too.

If you look at my blog, www.nealcollins.co.uk/blog, you'll see my arguments, my musings on the subject - and my visit to England's hidden training camp in Rustenburg with exclusive pictures. You may also read about where the other big European teams are staying - the German hotel in Erasmia has only just got around the building their training ground while the Italians will be preparing on a local high school pitch specially re-surfaced for their billionaire footballers. It's my way of helping fans find their feet when they get to South Africa in June.

And perhaps you'll find my first novel, A GAME APART, of use too. It's based largely on what I witnessed myself as a student, footballer and very junior sports journalist from 1979 to 1985.

But it takes us right up to date with current events, to the point when England are about to kick off against the USA at the Bafokeng Sports Palace on June 12.

Since leaving the country in something of a hurry during the Apartheid years, I have made numerous return visits to South Africa to cover the Lions rugby tour (1997), the cricket World Cup (2003) as well as a three-month England cricket tour (1999/2000) before the most recent Test series. My father still lives there and we visit, as a family, at least once a year, travelling widely and without fear other than when we come across big cats and rogue elephants in the game parks.

These frequent trips have, I hope, given me a special insight into a fascinating nation, so unique in Africa… and the world, when you consider how quickly it has changed.

In all my years resident there from 1970 to 1985, and on over two dozen subsequent visits, I never been mugged or car-jacked, or even rudely spoken to by a black man, though my university days were marked by constant conflict with the police, which reflects itself in the book I guess.

Some of my South Africa friends are outraged by it. One, my old head boy from school in Verwoerdburg (now Centurion) suggested I mentioned the betrayal of the Boers and said his wife couldn't finish the book, it was too vitriolic. But that's what journalists are isn't it? Vitriol is our merchandise.

And the events detailed in the book are largely factual, but condensed... names and places have been altered, some may feel they recognise themselves in certain of the characters, but in truth the characters are a compilation of the people I have met, the life I experienced. It's not just about football. It's about women, beaches, resettlement camps, brutality, national service. The whole gamut.

I judge nobody who lived in South Africa at that time, where so many were forced into certain roles by the incredible pressures of a violent, divisive society. A lot of the publicity surrounding the upcoming World Cup has been negative, with the focus on crime and corruption in South Africa since democracy arrived in 1994.

My perception is very different to that... I believe the country has changed massively for the better in 16 short years. I’ve waited all that time to let my memories loose, and the World Cup seems an appropriate time to produce a novel which will help people to remember exactly what the Rainbow Nation has been through in the last 20 years. My memories, my distortions in terms of time and emphasis, will annoy some, please others.

All I ask is that the reader recognizes this is how a young Englishman might have viewed the South Africa I grew up in. A strange but beautiful country riven by cruelty and mistrust and headed for a bloody revolution… until the release of a certain Nelson Mandela in 1990.

That South Africa is now in a position to bid for a major sports event, let alone host an operation of this scale, is little short of a miracle given what I lived through there. And that really is the point. For those who visit the country, for those who view it on a television screen, for those who read about it in the newspapers, I hope to offer some perspective.

Apartheid, like the Holocaust, should never be forgotten, swept under the carpet. Otherwise somebody will simply repeat the process. And that must never be allowed to happen.

Allardyce in new attack on McCarthy at Hammer falls on South Africa striker

SAM ALLARDYCE’S sustained attack on Benni McCarthy continued today as the Blackburn manager put the boot into his South African striker before the Premier League clash against Wigan at Ewood Park tonight.

No-nonsense Allarydyce is furious Cape Town-born McCarthy, 32, “went on strike” once problems over his move to West Ham surfaced. McCarthy, desperate to play first team football before the World Cup kicks off in his home country in June, has work permit problems and both clubs are still haggling over the price tag, believed to be around £2.25m (R2.5bn).

With the deal set to go through today (Wednesday) Allardyce said: “It will be the size of the contract and the size of the money that Benni will go for.

“I’ve never had a player go on strike before. If I was guessing I’d say he was in London. We don’t like the situation, it’s very difficult but he’s been badly advised.

“We just had to make sure the situation gets resolved for the best of Blackburn Rovers.. If you’re at a club you have to play for your place – World Cup or not. If you’re not consistent enough then you don’t get in the side. Simple as that.”

Ironically, McCarthy could make his debut against Blackburn at West Ham's Upton Park on Saturday with the January transfer window closing on Monday.

Allardyce, who yesterday accused McCarthy of being “unprofessional” said today: “The players haven't mentioned Benni. Everything surrounding him is not important, were are concentrating on football.

“It's up to the players to go out and show that we don't need Benni McCarthy. That we can do it without him. That would be great.

“We have a good squad, we have a very talented squad. It has not fulfilled its expectation in results. But it is getting gradually better and better and it is not going to harm us too much if Benni leaves.”

Monaco’s former Chelsea and Barcelona striker Eidur Gudjohnsen, Stoke City’s experienced James Beattie or Stuttgart’s Turkish midfielder Yildiray Bastürk are all rumoured to be McCarthy’s replacements, though West Ham and their new owners are also after Gudjohnsen.

Allardyce insists: “I believe if Benni goes, we will sign at least one player. It might be a better player to what we have got but it might not be on the front line.

“I don’t really believe that it has to be one in one out in that position.

"If a big player turns up that we believe can make a big difference in whatever position then that should be the replacement for Benni McCarthy.”

When sport really doesn't mean a lot. A tribute to Cecil Patrick Barnett 5/11/1926-19/01/2010

I GUESS by now regular readers of this blog will have noticed things have been a little quiet around these parts since the end of England's cricket tour to South Africa.

There's a good reason for that. The day before I was due to fly home, my wife Tracy's dad Patrick passed away. Just after England had slumped to defeat in Johannesburg. Times like this, sport is rendered meaningless.

Writing about South Africa coach Mickey Arthur's resignation, Arsenal's FA Cup failure against Stoke or Martin Samuel's pathetic World Cup-in-danger piece in the Daily Mail yesterday just doesn't really matter.

Pat Barnett, my father-in-law, was no ordinary guy. Before he went in Wycombe Hospital in the early hours of January 19, aged 83, he had written down every detail of his life in the army at the end of the war. Like he'd known what was coming.

Forced to leave school at 13 when they ran out of teachers in Ealing in 1942, he was in the cadets at 15 and went off with the Black Watch, that feared bunch of Highlanders, when he was barely 18. He didn't have a single kilt in his genes, it was just, as he explained in his beautifully self-concocted way: "They didn't have enough Scotch to fill the ranks."

So off he went to Greece and Egypt, surviving fatal truck crashes, endless journeys through Europe, the remnants of civil war in Athens, nights out in downtown Cairo and angry German prisoners of war on the Suez Canal. You want sport? I give you dear old Pat volunteering to play for the German prisoners against the Wardens in a hockey match in the middle of the desert watched by hundreds of bored troops. He still has the match report, typed out by a bespectacled colleague. It's like Escape to Victory without Sylvester Stallone. The Germans apparently ran the camp themselves, never tried to get out and only got difficult when the English found their beer brewing kit.

It's fascinating stuff, reading the war-time memoirs of a self-educated carpenter who gained an in-service promotion to sergeant. There's little doubt his words would stir people more than my own current book-writing efforts. I couldn't put his bulky scrap-book down until I had read the last words, seen the last sepia snapshot. There will never be another selfless generation like his.

But it's been a struggle trying to prepare for the funeral of a patriarch we thought would be around forever.

Before I left for the cricket tour he was suffering a low red platelet count. They struggled to solve the medical riddle, but he was happy, strong, still walking his greyhound Ella up and down the steep hill to the village.

He was the perfect patient. He never complained, despite the endless blood samples and bone-marrow taps. He'd make even the toughest National Health Service nurse smile with his banter. We always thought he'd battle through it, like he did the heart attack 15 years ago. When it came, the end was sudden, swift.

I returned from the mid-summer battle between two of the world's most respected cricketing nations to find myself drowning in a sea of mid-winter tears.

But after a difficult week (and there are more to come), the painful arrangements are in place. Tracy and her sister Lisa have put together what should be a fine send-off on Monday with their mum Georgina, who lived through the Blitz in Bethnal Green.

The order of service for the funeral can be found at the end of this piece, but it tells just a part of the story.

Pat was unapologetically old-fashioned. Guess you have to be when you were born in thee 1920s. The word "gentleman" was designed for him. He'd wear a tie to dinner, even a McDonald's with the grandchildren.

I never once heard him have a go at either of his daughters, he never needed to. He dealt with family crises with a look and a smile. Tracy and I were up until 2am last night, trying to write her tribute for the funeral next Monday.

He was a right character, plunging through the ceiling when he was building a loft room, building train sets and a miniature village for the grandchildren, he even put together three barrel organs with his own hands. They want a piece for the well-known "Barrel Organ Monthly" magazine now. Might be the toughest assignment of my journalistic career, that one. Harder even than this. A sportswriter trying to put down his feelings about the death of a loved one.

You visited here to read football? He never played the game. But he'd be up at the local Epilepsy Centre in the cold every Sunday morning, offering his gruff advice to Charlie and Harry and defending referees when the parents got out of hand on the touchline. He wasn't the best watching the boys play cricket, but I know when all four of us, Charlie, Harry, Kriss and I turn out for Chalfont St Peter's Sunday second team, he gets a twinkle in his eye. And it made you think of the childhood he had torn away from him by the war.

At the end of his bitter-sweet memoirs, Pat wrote: "I didn't do anything very brave but I made the numbers up."

Typical of the man. But to us he was the bravest, biggest of figures. In this small corner of Buckinghamshire, his passing is far more important than West Ham's new owners, the Superbowl or Andy Murray's efforts in Australia.

When his daughters Lisa and Tracy first started doing cartwheels, Pat turned himself into a gymnastics coach of some repute, a bit like Richard Williams, non-tennis-playing dad of Serena and Venus. Learning for his daughters' sakes, becoming a self-made expert.

He would be there to catch them when they slipped off the beam, his safe hands would be there when, in the grainy old videos, they flew around the parallel bars, high above inadequate matting at Chesham Leisure Centre.

Tracy and I wrote last night that he was always there to catch them when they fell. For forty years. All their lives. And now he's gone. There's crying to be done. He'll be missed. But he's only up in the loft. He's not that far away.

http://www.careprint.co.uk/proofs/16315ss.pdf

Wedded blisters for Germans as they prepare for the World Cup in the middle of nowhere

THE German World Cup base at the idyllic Velmore Estate near the tiny suburb of Erasmia in South Africa has been transformed into a builder's site just four months before Michael Ballack and his team head to South Africa in search of global conquest.

The five-star hotel complex which lies about 10 miles west of Pretoria, will be home to the German team and officials from the end of May - but one crucial factor, a suitable training pitch, has only just got underway.

Management at Velmore, a popular venue for local weddings, have been forced to dig up the grassy bank running down to the Hennops River - bringing in diggers and ground-levelling equipment to build a fenced-off, state-of-the-art surface for the German team.

And that has left well-off locals, seeking the site as a wedding venue, in a bit of a stew.

A spokesman for Velmore said: "We researched local grounds in the area for the Germans to train on but we couldn't find anything suitable close by. We are at the perfect altitude for their team to prepare, we just didn't have a pitch.

"Now we've begun work on the surface, as you can see. This hotel was only finished in November of last year and everything is going into preparing for the arrival of the German team. We are teaching our staff to speak the language where possible and must do everything we can to make their stay here as comfortable as we can.

"Unfortunately, the building of the pitch has meant we have had to postpone weddings at our venue, which was just becoming popular for top-of-the-range marriage celebrations.

"But we are telling people we will be back to normal as soon as possible. The pitch will be turfed with a mixture of rye grass and local kikuyu, providing an instant surface. It will stay green even in the winter when we get frost and no rain here.

"The only difference for people getting married here is that they will have a flat surface rather than a grassy bank sloping down to the river. The goalposts will only be up for the duration of the German's stay."

Velmore is, as our pictures show, a remarkable five-star complex built, essentially, in the middle of nowhere, backed by local money and overseas funding from India - many such sites are mushrooming around the Johannesburg and Pretoria areas in the build up the Africa's first World Cup.

Behind an imposing frontage, one half of the hotel has already been shut down in preparation for Germany's arrival. The wedding venue (see picture) sees couples march along an aisle which stretches into the middle of the main swimming pool with guests surrounding the poolside. The football pitch will be right in the line of sight of the official making the union.

Velmore also offers a brand new spa facility with oxygen chambers and remarkable presidential suite complete with a room for a bodyguard - but for the thousands of German fans expected to want to see the team train, there is no obvious accomodation within ten miles of the hotel.

A nearby camp-site has been ear-marked for the German fans but with temperatures plummeting below zero on the highveld - the area is about 1500m above sea-level, the same as the average ski resort in Austria - and concerns over security, it is likely the fans will have to pay inflated costs for accomodation in Centurion 10 miles away or Sandton, about 20 miles distant.

England's base in Rustenburg, a further 50 miles away from both the major middle-class residential areas, raises similar concerns as locals seek to profit from the month long football extravaganza.

Strauss rested, Cook takes charge... and I'm on the flight home

ENGLAND captain Andrew Strauss will be "rested" from the tour party which departs for Bangladesh on February 13. Seamer Jimmy Anderson is also staying home to have his knee injury monitored.

But Graham Onions - mysteriously dropped for the final Test which was lost by an innings against South Africa yesterday - and Adil Rashid both find themselves dropped from the one-day squad for Bangladesh.

Chief selector Geoff Miller said of the Strauss decision: "He's been rested to get his mind together again. We have to look towards the future as well. This is an opportunity for Alastair Cook, to find out if he's future material for the England captaincy.

"We're giving Andrew a break so he can refresh himself after an arduous 18 months. It's about the mental state as well. It's happened before - Graeme Smith and MS Dhoni have both had a break for their countries.

"The majority of the unit are going out there apart from the captain and a little problem with the knee for Jimmy Anderson. The senior players will respond to Cook's captaincy. It's not something we've done lightly. The players are all aware of the situation.

"Andrew has been involved in the Ashes series and South Africa was a very difficult tour. The series we've just had has been very tough. He has to get ready for another big summer and another Ashes coming up this winter in Australia.

"He'll be very disappointed with his batting average in South Africa. He's gone away and come back refreshed before. I have no doubt Andrew will do exactly the same this time, he'll be like he was of old.

"We've given Alastair the opportunity to be involved in team meetings, he's taken on the official vice-captaincy. We feel he deserves the opportunity to show he can do it in the international arena. We feel he could be the future international captain.

"We just felt it was the right time to give Andrew a break, to work on his game."

While Strauss is rested, Paul Collingwood will travel despite playing through a series of injuries in South Africa: Miller explained: "We considered every person. We don't make these decisions lightly. Paul will go out and he'll captain theTwenty20 with a world Twenty20 coming up. We wanted Paul out there to continue in his rich vein of form. We didn't offer him a break. Not at all.

"We understand that international cricket is so intense. But we will cross bridges when we come to them. There is no vice-captain for this tour.

"We've got a lot of senior players there if Alastair gets injured."

Pietersen faces an uphill struggle says Smith, gloating after his series-saving triumph at The Wanderers

SOUTH AFRICA captain Graeme Smith believes Kevin Pietersen is facing the biggest challenge of his career after a bitterly disappointing safari in the lad of his birth.

Pietersen, who started the series off with a bang in Centurion, could only contribute 12 runs off 42 unconvincing balls as England subsided dismally in front of a packed Wanderers “Bull Ring” on day four of the final Test in Johannesburg.

Needing 243 to make the hosts bat again, England were all out for 169 with the ever-reliable Paul Collingwood (71) providing England’s only real resistance as they handed the Basil D’Oliviera trophy meekly back to the South Africans by an innings and 74 runs.

Gloating over the emphatic way his side snatched a 1-1 draw from a series which looked to have slipped away from them, Smith said: “We had a good game plan for Kevin and it worked for us. He’s one of those guys who has great expectations on his shoulders every time he comes to the crease. The pressure just builds on him, especially after he’s failed a couple of times.

“We just had to keep asking the questions. After the impact he’s had on international cricket over the last couple of years it’s going to be a real challenge for him now. But we’ll keep asking those questions. It’s up to him to find a response.”

Pietersen, out since the second Ashes Test last summer after surgery – and post-operative complications – on his Achilles, appeared in fine form in the opening Test at Centurion when he hit 40 and a top score of 81. But his suicidal run-out there put the Pietermaritzburg-born batsman in the spotlight and nearly led to England’s defeat.

In Durban, at his old home ground of Kingsmead, Pietersen failed to join the run-fest. He was out for 31 when the rest of the upper order were enjoying half-centuries on the way to an innings and 98-run victory.

At Cape Town, England held out for another final-wicket draw despite KP’s worst efforts of 0 and 6 which left captain Andrew Strauss lamenting: “That has to be the most disappointing Test performance of his career.”

Former England captain and SABC commentator Geoffrey Boycott offered to help Piegtersen correct the flaws in his defence but complained “he doesn’t listen to anybody” while there were reports of a bust-up with fans, which were fimly denied.

New Year at Newlands was nasty for Pietersen but in many ways, Johannesburg over the last five days has been even worse. Booed loudly by huge crowds at “The Bull Ring”, he was out for just seven in the first innings and despite a desperate attempt to change his approach, he was hustled off for 12 after batting for an hour and a half, when England needed him most yesterday.

Strauss continues to live in hope. He said: “There are always high expectations surrounding Kevin Pietersen but it must have been hard for him here after a long lay-off. It’s not the easiest thing to come back into the side like that.

“I’m sure he’ll be desperate to prove his class once again. It’s definitely been a frustrating tour for him, but I have no doubt he’ll come back from this.”

Pietersen is not England’s only concern. Stuart Broad came here as an all-rounder but returns home with a bowling average of 33.46 and a batting average of 10.85. Garfield Sobers and Andrew Flintoff sneer in the face of such figures. His constant whining when dismissed did little to endear him to the fans here either.

Highly-rated seamers Jimmy Anderson and Graham Onions enhanced their reputations slightly – though dropping Onions for the final Test in favour of Ryan Sidebottom was a move which will never be fully explained, especially after Onions had twice defied South Africa as a No11 batsman to grab a pair of delightful draws.

Wicketkeeper Matt Prior batted like a buffoon yesterday – he was dropped off his first ball and caught off his second for a duck – and admitted he wasn’t happy with his form going into the Wanderers, where he watched his first big game of cricket.

Jonathan Trott, promising at times but desperately frustrating to watch with all his fiddling at the crease, cannot claim to have set the world alight anymore than Pietersen while Strauss himself has hardly blossomed as he did last time he was out in the land of his birth.

The successes? Alastair Cook has batted his way out of trouble as an opener with a fine century in Durban and further success in Cape Town and Ian Bell has come back with a vengeance. Strauss said yesterday: “Ian’s comeback is exciting for us, but only three batsmen had a decent series. The rest of us, and that includes me, missed out.

“We’ve shown we’re resilient and that we’re hard to beat. But that’s not enough. We’re not good enough at the moment. We have to be more clinical. We all know there is plenty of room for improvement.”

Fair enough. South Africa captain Graeme Smith agrees: “I’m happy with a draw but we could easily have been sitting here 3-1 up.”

There are two reasons England drew this series. Paul Collingwood, England’s “Typical British Bulldog” according to coach Andy Flower, and Graeme Swann, who took a series high 21 wickets and scored one more run than his skipper, including a Test-best 85 in Centurion.

If you’re looking for heroes of this epic safari, look no further than those two. Smith’s verdict: “Swann did well on our pitches but Collingwood is the glue that holds England together.”

It's over, South Africa get there a ball before lunch... was the the luckiest drawn series ever for England?

IT’S been a fine Morne for South Africa at The Wanderers. And a winning morning too, for the huge crowd who got stuck at the gate due to a computer glitch and were finally let in for free once the police arrived.

Morne Morkel, who has bowled superbly throughout this series, produced a ferocious spell of five overs, two maidens, 3-15. That’s how to win a Test match against an England side with one foot on the plane. And win it they did, by an innings and 74 runs on the penultimate ball before lunch, to draw this fabulous series 1-1.

Captain Graeme Smith told us afterwards: "I feel very happy. If we're honest we could easily be sitting here now 3-1 up in the series. I wish there was a decider!"

There were about 20,000 locals in to see their side wrap up things up just before lunch on day four of the final Test. A Barmy Army of around 100 gave us a chorus of Jerusalem for the first ball and then lapsed into an embarrassed silence.

Even South African-born Englishmen have been very co-operative about ensuring the series is drawn 1-1 and the hosts retain the Basil D'Oliviera trophy they won in 2005. It is, after all, what Smith and his men deserve.

We lost Johannesburg-born Andrew Strauss and Capetonian Jonathan Trott last night as England, needing 243 to make South Africa bat again, slumped to 48-3. They were eventually all out for 169, just in time to have the rest of the day off.

Matt Prior, another Johannesburger who watched his first big game in this stadium, lasted two balls. He was dropped off the first, caught off the second. Earlier, Kevin Pietersen, who hails from Pietermaritzburg, managed 12 runs before he subsided after perhaps the most disappointing series of his once-illustrious career.

This morning, Paul Collingwood, as always, was the only English hero. Coach Andy Flower calls him the British Bull dog. After scores of 50 and 26 not out to guide England to the narrowest of draws in the first Test at Centurion, he scored 91 in the innings win in Durban and 19 and a four-hour 40 to save the game in Cape Town.

Here, he’s scored 47 and another 71, looking on while the rest of England’s batsmen, beset by end-of-tour mania, popped in and out at the other end. With lunch looming, he drove Dale Steyn, the world’s best bowler, for a six over mid-off as he moved from 60 to 66.

The very next ball he injured himself when a sure-fire four was cut off and he had to dive to make his ground. It appears to be the left index finger he hurt during the warm-up in Durban. He’s battled on despite that, a bad shoulder and a groin injury. But he has to. Without Collingwood, England would have lost this series 3-1.

For the first 45 minutes this morning, there was a hint of resistance. But then Pietersen got an edge to debutant Wayne Parnell and he was gone for 12 off 42 balls, caught by Mark Boucher. He contributed just three of the 36 runs he added with Collingwood for the fourth wicket. Still, at least we can’t accuse him of being reckless this time.

Then the procession began and Morkel took the game by the scruff of the neck. Ian Bell, who has had a good series, went for five off 17 balls off a Morkel snorter which flew to Jacques Kallis in the cordon.

Prior came in, was dropped first ball by Hashim Amla at short leg, then tried to hook and was caught by Smith, scurrying backwards from slip. Great innings, Matt. And this from a man who told us before the game: “We aren’t here to be nearly men, we are here to win the series 2-0.” Bollocks.

Stuart Broad, proclaimed as something of an all rounder before this tour began, was then cleaned up by Morkel for a single off nine balls, caught behind by Mark Boucher. England had gone from 84-4 to 104-7 in nine overs. So much for the famous resilience everyone was talking about before this Test began.

And yes, Broad has proved himself capable of under-performing with both bat and ball on this tour. His bowling average is a mediocre 33.46, his batting average a putrid 10.85. Not quite Gary Sobers.

Graeme Swann, in contention with Collingwood for England’s man of the series, came in and hit three fours before he was snapped up by Steyn, caught De Villiers, for a lively 20 off 17 balls and England were eight down with just over half-an-hour to go before lunch.

Ryan Sidebottom, mysteriously brought in for Graham Onions for this Test, emerged to prove himself. Onions survived 19 balls at Centurion and 17 balls at Newlands to force those two epic one-wicket draws.

The South Africans never did get him out in this series and were shocked when Onions, who has bowled without luck in this series, was axed.

Sidebottom did his best.But Collingwood fell to part-time spinner JP Duminy’s first ball of the innings, caught in the deep by Morkel – who else – for 71 off 139 balls with 12 fours and that memorable six off Steyn and it was all but over.

So we had Jimmy Anderson in at No11 rather than Onions. But even he might have struggled to survive five sessions! Anderson took a painful blow to the hip from a merciless Steyn as the end approached.

With an over to go before lunch, Duminy found himself slapped to the boundary by Sidebottom off his first ball. But resistance by that point was futile. Off the fifth ball, the hairy one had a huge hoik and was bowled for 15. That’s two less than Onions’ top Test score. But Onions never gets out.

Series over. Mark Boucher, 341 runs and 16 catches, has shared the Man of the Series award with Swann. The heroic Collingwood has been ignored. Dale Steyn won Man of the Match for his 5-51 in the first innings.

England escape with a 1-1 draw. And Kevin McCallum, the local columnist, describes it as “the luckiest drawn series in history”. He may have a point.

Andrew Strauss's final words? "It leaves us with a bitter taste in the mouth. But it's about nine weeks, not the last five days. And it's been one of the most enjoyable tours I've been on."

Hear, hear.

With Pienaar and the vuvuzelas on their side, perhaps South Africa have a chance

AT last Steven Pienaar is offering a glimmer of on-field optimism for Bafana Bafana. Yes, South Africa may be gearing up nicely for the World Cup in June – I’ve been to the Moses Mabhida in Durban, Green Point in Cape Town, Soccer City in Soweto –off the field, great job.

But it’s on the field where pessimism strikes at the heart among the Rainbow Nation’s population, whether they follow local football or not. Invariably not.

But my question for those doubters is this: “How can any side fail to compete at the top level with Steven Pienaar at the heart of things?”

The bloke is a revelation. Anybody who watched Everton’s emphatic 2-0 win over Manchester City’s millionaires will understand the point.

Sure Pienaar scored his third goal in three games – a neat near-post free-kick nearly as good as his exquisite finish in the 2-2 draw with Arsenal last week – but goals aren’t the only currency for the former Ajax Amsteram midfielder.

He is one of those rare midfielders who can perform the “Makalele” role – defensive, along the lines of Alex Song at Arsenal or Michael Essien at Chelsea. He is also adept at the creative passing and quick break element – think Stevie Gerrard at Liverpool, though not lately. And of course, he has the engine of a Frank Lampard, able to run all day and work in both penalty areas, almost simultaneously.

Yet here sit South Africa. Failed to qualify for the African Cup of Nations and at No86 in the fickle FIFA tables, the lowest ranked side ever to host a World Cup

It can’t be right. Given you’ve got only 31 nations visiting here in June, there’s a good chance you’ll finish better than 86^th, especially if Pienaar is given free reign in your midfield. Arguably, with the captain’s armband on. He’s 27, he played in Cape Town, Amsterdam, Dortmund and Liverpool, he has the experience.

Remember, Benni McCarthy and Aaron Makoena have also been scoring Premier League goals in recent weeks.

But it worries me when, this week, I hear Bafana coach Carlos Parreira saying he’ll build his team around a core of South African-based players.

Before this epic cricket series between South Africa and England started I got around to a few grounds and saw, amongst others, your champions Supersports United beat lowly Jomo Cosmos 3-0 at a nearly-empty Loftus Versfeld.

And let’s be frank, Stevie Pienaar would have made a huge difference in a game like that. The idea that Parreira may build his side around players not playing in the European leagues is deeply flawed, though understandable.

He’s taken 29 players down to Durban (why not at high altitude? All the big World Cup teams will be preparing at altitude given the World Cup final will be played at 5,000 feet).for friendlies against Swaziland on Saturday in Chatsworth and Zimbabwe at the superb Moses Mabhida stadium next Wednesday.

I know he’s unhappy about Elrio van Heerden not getting much action for Blackburn – he’s now in Turkey with Sivasspor and trying to regain full fitness.

And you can sympathise with Parreira when he says: “I don’t think David Moyes will allow Pienaar to join us before the World Cup because he has become a vital player for them. We will have to wait until late in May for him and Mokoena at Portsmouth.”

He’s right, but that doesn’t mean the side shouldn’t be built around Pienaar variously described as “superb”, “a revelation” and “unstoppable” by the British papers this morning.

Let’s take the view from Pienaar himself, who handles himself well in front of the cameras, as a captain-elect should: “I would definitely say I am a more complete player since coming to Everton.

“I do think South Africa might still surprise a few people at the World Cup. We players have to be ready to show we are not just a team with a few individuals. Part of the problem is that, compared with some other African countries, some of our players are not hungry enough. Maybe we’re not very adventurous and don’t like to be away from home

“For us to go to the second round, that is the expectation of the people. I think we can get out of the group.

“Mexico and Uruguay play quite similar to us, only France will be a bit of a challenge for us.

“The crowd will boost the players and we will be confident with them behind us. We hope they will be behind us.”

Pienaar came out strongly in defence of South Africa when the British press were linking the Togo team bus shootings in Cabinda with the upcoming World Cup. And the man born in Westbury near Johannesburg but thriving on Merseyside, says: “You know, things are getting better in Westbury. The crime’s coming down a bit.

“I don’t think too many visitors will going to Westbury but they will be coming to a beautiful country and the tournament is going to be very good for South Africa.”

Remember, the hosts invariably do shockingly well at World Cups. South Korea, France, Germany, Argentina... blimey, even England won it when they got to host it 44 years ago.

With Pienaar and the vuvuzela-blasting home fans behind them, who knows what South Africa are capable of producing in five months' time?

Smith declares 243 in front. England 48-3 and Sidebottom admits: "Rain would be nice!"

SO now we know. England, teetering at 48-3, have to survive for two days with seven wickets standing.

Ryan Sidebottom's solution to their woes at The Wanderers? "Rain would be nice!"

To be fair to the hairy one, what was he supposed to say, having been singled out as the one to talk to the press after day three of the final Test?

He took two wickets but hardly justified his surprise inclusion ahead of the "legend" Graham Onions. Sidebottom, quite rightly, felt: "I maybe deserved a couple more. It would have been nice to get Graeme Smith early but it wasn't to be."

While yesterday's "Knobgate" row goes on, Mark Boucher made the point: "We've been the side that wants it more. And if you play like that the luck tends to go your way."

It sure has. South Africa declared on 423-7, 243 ahead of England's modest first innings total of 180. Pretty shrewd declaration that as England went out, and in... and out again for the light.

Alastair Cook was first back in the pavilion, comfortably caught by Graeme Smith off Morne Morkel for 1. Six balls were all he could manage. And Cook is one of the form batsman.

At the other end Andrew Strauss narrowly avoided being decapitated by Dale Steyn, the world's best Test bowler who took 5-51 in the first innings. An over later he claimed Jonathan Trott with an absolute snorter which flew off the edge to AB De Villiers (diving above) in the cordon.

In the 13th over, after the light meters had intervened, Andrew Strauss joined Trott in the "that's it for this tour" category, lbw to Wayne Parnell despite a review. He managed 22 off 45 balls.

Kevin Pietersen, who came in to perhaps the worst welcome of this tour so far, is on the nervous nine, Paul Collingwood has yet to score after facing three balls and it's 48-3 as play is called off for the day, just as the sun comes out. England need another 199 to make South Africa bat again.

We're down to the last two days of this epic series, with plenty of Highveld storms about. Rain is England's only possible salvation, as Sidebottom sol aptly put it.

He added: "We're disappointed with the way we've performed here but whenever we've been under pressure before on this tour we've come back fighting."

South Africa captain Graeme Smith told us last night: "We'll be looking to push the lead to around 200. That's a good score if the pitch is doing things and the weather continues."

He went a little further than that, grinding England's fading attack into oblivion with wicketkeeper Boucher producing his top Test score at the Wanderers - a fine 96 off 118 balls.

There were calls to axe Boucher - a 33-year-old veteran of 130 Tests - but this series has put him right back on top. He grinned: "I don't play cricket for the critics. They're always going to be there. But I use it. If somebody says something that gets to me, I use it to motivate me."

Ladbrokes rate England an improbable 33-1 to win this one, you can get 50-1 on Betfair. Former England coach David "Bumble" Lloyd twittered that England need 400 to make South Africa chase 160 at the death. That would have been interesting.

It won't happen now - but the odds on a draw remain reasonable, given the likelihood of rain, the worst of which neatly avoided the Wanderers earlier this afternoon.

That really is our only hope. England have been easily cowed in this final showdown. Earlier in this absorbing series, they showed that iron resistance, the stiff-upper-lip we Brits love to see.

But Johannesburg has been different. England went into this Test 1-0 up in the series, but only after hanging on by a wicket to draw in Centurion and Cape Town. In between, we had the best of the conditions in Durban and won by an innings and 98 runs.

Boucher suggested: "I've been on many tours and sometimes you have one foot on the plane by the time you get to the last Test. The pressure does get to you. But England have got a lot of fighters we've still got to get through."

But in truth, as Smith and his men have pointed out so many times, most of the sessions have been won by South Africa in this series. They deserve to draw 1-1 and retain the Basil D'Oliviera trophy they won in England last time they visited our shores.

And they will. England made a couple of early breakthroughs this morning but they failed to capitalise, allowing Boucher and AB De Villiers to shove England off the rails again.

But they needed a fair bit of luck to put on 120 in 30 overs for the sixth wicket at a rate of just over four an over.

Twice Daryl Harper, the television umpire who failed to hear Graeme Smith's snick yesterday (he was on 15 at the time, he went on to get 105, have a look at earlier posts), allowed De Villiers to bat on after being given out by New Zealander Tony Smith.

Harper also turned down Graeme Swann's plea for the wicket of Mark Boucher, LBW. Harper was right each time. But he seems to be England's bogeyman right now, with every decision going South Africa's way, even Strauss's LBW, the last decision of another fascinating day.

England made a good start this morning. First Hashim Amla, looking set for his second century of the series on 75, was out on the tenth ball of day three, caught behind by Matt Prior off a superb ball from Stuart Broad.

Six balls later, Jacques Kallis was gone, brilliantly taken by Jimmy Anderson on the dive off Ryan Sidebottom. Getting Kallis for 7 was a big bonus for England and at 217-4 the tails were up.

After a brief lull, Andrew Strauss turned to Swann, as he has all series, for the breakthrough. And with his first ball - it's becoming a habit - he had JP "Crash Test" Duminy caught by Collingwood and it was 235-5.

Swann then had De Villiers given out twice - on 11 and 24 - by umpire Tony Hill. But De Villiers called for a review both times. The close catch on 11 may or may not have brushed the bat, the lbw on 24 was not out.

But given that shocker yesterday - Harper failed to hear the Smith snick which echoed around the cricket-speaking world - you might expect a bit of help from the man!

De Villiers survived having the ball come to rest against his stumps without removing a bail (much to Collingwood's chagrin) and a clear glove behind to make it through to lunch with 43 off 99 balls. The always-dangerous Mark Boucher went to his fifty just before lunch after surviving Swann's LBW review.

At 324-5 at the break, South Africa were 144 ahead. De Villiers' luck finally ran out on 58, caught by Collingwood, and Broad had his third wicket of the innings. But Boucher carried on and passed his best-ever Test score at the "Bull Ring" - 78 - with debutant Ryan McLaren in support.

Just as the huge gathering here were really getting going, the rain came down, but it didn't last long. The South Africans, all 30,000 of them, were in full voice as Boucher tortured England in a 67-run partnership with debutant McLaren. And it was Swann, with the first ball of his spell yet again, who finally got rid of Boucher, who popped one up to Jonathan Trott. The declaration came soon afterward with McLaren 32 not out on his debut and Dale Steyn on 1.

Meanwhile Harper - backed by the ICC this morning - has turned to Facebook to justify his position.

After yesterday's knob-twiddling sensation he posted these quotes on his site: "The truth about Smith's decision may come out eventually. The host broadcaster didn't provide the appropriate sound to match the picture. The commentator, Matthew Hoggard, told the viewers that there was no sound - so Smith would be given not out.
"Sadly when the technology fails... and that means that some engineer has failed to do his job... they must find a scapegoat, and the umpire is an easy target because we can't fight back... usually.

"Five minutes later, they found a sound and blamed me! Other networks found the sound immediately, but we didn't get their sound feed."

Good defence Daryl, but how about coming to speak to us in the press box. Just a gentle chat. If you can comment on Facebook, surely you can talk to the journalists?

Mother Nature helps out, but England's reign is nearly at an end in this series

AND so Mother Nature steps in where umpire Daryl Harper won't, with another merciful downpour for England, halting South Africa's rush to victory in the final Test at the Wanderers.

Twelve minutes earlier than yesterday, at 2.01pm local time, noon in England, the rain came down, the lightning flashed (right), this huge 30,000 crowd scurried for cover.

But unlike yesterday, the worst of it moved slowly around the ground. Instead of a flooded outfield and desperate workers with squeegees, we have a far less dramatic show of drying going on in front of us.

The covers are off and soon they will be back, these South Africans, eager to push on and get England back at the crease.

At the moment, South Africa are 382-6, 202 ahead of England's modest first innings total of 180.

Just when South African captain Graeme Smith will declare, we aren't sure. But he did say to us last night: "We'll be looking to push the lead to around 200. That's a good score if the pitch is doing things and the weather continues."

He's right. This game is over if the rain stays away. England have been easily cowed in this final showdown. Earlier in this absorbing series, they showed that iron resistance, the stiff-upper-lip we Brits love to see.

But Johannesburg has been different. England went into this Test 1-0 up in the series, but only after hanging on by a wicket to draw in Centurion and Cape Town. In between, we had the best of the conditions in Durban and won by an innings and 98 runs.

But in truth, as Smith and his men have pointed out so many times, most of the sessions have been won by South Africa in this series. They deserve to draw 1-1 and retain the Basil D'Oliviera trophy they won in England last time they visited our shores.

And they will. England made a couple of early breakthroughs this morning but they failed to capitalise, allowing Mark Boucher and AB De Villiers to shove England off the rails again.

But they needed a fair bit of luck to put on 120 in 30 overs for the sixth wicket at a rate of just over four an over.

Twice Harper, the television umpire who failed to hear Graeme Smith's snick yesterday (he was on 15 at the time, he went on to get 105, have a look at earlier posts), allowed De Villiers to bat on after being given out by New Zealander Tony Smith.

Harper also turned down Graeme Swann's plea for the wicket of Mark Boucher, LBW. Harper was right each time. But he seems to be England's bogeyman right now, with every decision going South Africa's way.

England made a good start this morning. First Hashim Amla, looking set for his second century of the series on 75, was out on the tenth ball of the day, caught behind by Matt Prior off a superb ball from Stuart Broad.

Six balls later, Jacques Kallis was gone, brilliantly taken by Jimmy Anderson on the dive off Ryan Sidebottom. Getting Kallis for 7 was a big bonus for England and at 217-4 the tails were up.

After a brief lull, Andrew Strauss turned to Swann, as he has all series, for the breakthrough. And with his first ball - it's becoming a habit - he had JP "Crash Test" Duminy caught by Collingwood and it was 235-5.

Swann then had De Villiers given out twice - on 11 and 24 - by umpire Hill. But De Villiers called for a review both times. The close catch on 11 may or may not have brushed the bat, the lbw on 24 was not out.

But given that shocker yesterday - Harper failed to hear the Smith snick which echoed around the cricket-speaking world - you might expect a bit of help from the man!

De Villiers also survived having the ball come to rest against his stumps without removing a bail (much to Paul Collingwood's chagrin) and a further clear glove behind, made it through to lunch with 43 off 99 balls, the always-dangerous Mark Boucher went to his fifty just before lunch after surviving Swann's LBW review.

At 324-5 at the break, South Africa were 144 ahead. De Villiers' luck finally ran out on 58, caught by Collingwood, and Broad had his third wicket of the innings. But Boucher carried on and passed his best-ever Test score at the "Bull Ring" - 78 - with debutant Ryan McLaren in support.

But just as the huge gathering here were really getting going, the rain came down. But now the covers are off and the final session can begin. It won't be long, I suspect, before Graeme Smith gets England out there to face their fury under heavy skies.

Meanwhile Harper - backed by the ICC this morning - has turned to Facebook to justify his position.

After yesterday's knob-twiddling sensation he posted these quotes on his site: "The truth about Smith's decision may come out eventually. The host broadcaster didn't provide the appropriate sound to match the picture. The commentator, Matthew Hoggard, told the viewers that there was no sound - so Smith would be given not out.
"Sadly when the technology fails... and that means that some engineer has failed to do his job... they must find a scapegoat, and the umpire is an easy target because we can't fight back... usually.

"Five minutes later, they found a sound and blamed me! Other networks found the sound immediately, but we didn't get their sound feed."

Good defence Daryl, but how about coming to speak to us in the press box. Just a gentle chat. If you can comment on Facebook, surely you can talk to the journalists?

England, without any reviews left, have asked the ICC to reinstate the one wasted during the Smith controversy yesterday.

Sorry to Harp on about this but... is umpire Daryl South Africa's Man of the Series?

DARYL HARPER. What a man. The television umpire who failed England so badly on day two of the final Test at The Wanderers yesterday, was at it again this morning.

The 57-year-old Australian (right, showing what a character he is with fellow umpire Asad Rauf) who failed to turn his volume button up, thus allowing South African captain Graeme Smith to progress from 15 to a match-changing 105, reprieved AB De Villiers twice this morning after he had been given out by the on-field umpires.

And just before lunch he turned down Graeme Swann's plea for the wicket of Mark Boucher, LWB. Harper was right each time. But he seems to be England's bogeyman right now, with every decision going South Africa's way.

De Villiers enjoyed all sorts of luck as he attempted to dig his side out of the hole they had dug for themselves this morning.

First Hashim Amla, looking set for his second century of the series on 75, was out on the tenth ball of the day, caught behind by Matt Prior off a superb ball from Stuart Broad.

Six balls later, Jacques Kallis was gone, brilliantly taken by Jimmy Anderson on the dive off Ryan Sidebottom. Getting Kallis for 7 was a big bonus for England and at 217-4 the tails were up.

After a brief lull, Andrew Strauss turned to Graeme Swann, as he has all series, for the breakthrough. And with his first ball - it's becoming a habit - he had JP "Crash Test" Duminy caught by Collingwood and it was 235-5.

Swann then had De Villiers given out twice - on 11 and 24 - by New Zealand umpire Tony Hill. But De Villiers called for a review both times. The close catch on 11 may or may not have brushed the bat, the lbw on 24 was not out. But given that shocker yesterday - Harper failed to hear the Smith snick which echoed around the cricket-speaking world - you might expect a bit of help from the man!

AB De Villiers, who survived having the ball come to rest against his stumps without removing a bail (much to Paul Collingwood's chagrin) and a further apparent edge behind, made it through to lunch with 43 off 99 balls, the always-dangerous Mark Boucher went to his fifty just before lunch after surviving Swann's LBW review.

At 324-5 at the break, South Africa are 144 ahead and these two have put on a vital 89.

For the first time in this Test, England threatened to win a session. But those three early wickets were not enough to make any difference to the eventual outcome. As long as the Highveld thunder storms stay away, this one is South Africa's, the series will be tied 1-1 and the hosts will retain the Basil D'Oliviera trophy they won in England three years ago.

Meanwhile Harper - backed by the ICC this morning - has turned to Facebook to justify his position.

After yesterday's knob-twiddling sensation he posted these quotes on his site: "The truth about Smith's decision may come out eventually. The host broadcaster didn't provide the appropriate sound to match the picture. The commentator, Matthew Hoggard, told the viewers that there was no sound - so Smith would be given not out.
"Sadly when the technology fails... and that means that some engineer has failed to do his job... they must find a scapegoat, and the umpire is an easy target because we can't fight back... usually.

"Five minutes later, they found a sound and blamed me! Other networks found the sound immediately, but we didn't get their sound feed."

Good defence Daryl, but how about coming to speak to us in the press box. Just a gentle chat. If you can comment on Facebook, surely you can talk to the journalists?

England, without any reviews left, have asked the ICC to reinstate the one wasted during the Smith controversy yesterday.

Do you blame the knob in the umpire's room... or Daryl Harper? Furious England head off to do the rain dance

DARYL HARPER, the controversial Australian umpire, could be in hot water with the ICC after he failed to hear an edge from South Africa captain Graeme Smith which echoed around the world on the second day of the final Test at the Wanderers today.

Afterwards Smith himself admitted: “There was a noise. Definitely. But it could have been my thumb against the bat. It doesn’t take the gloss off my century.”

Harper, no stranger to technological blunders – he once claimed he couldn’t see the ball on a replay screen in the West Indies and just yesterday failed to spot a potential no-ball when Alastair Cook was given out LBW – apparently failed to turn his audio feed up and couldn’t hear the obvious snick which saw Smith let off on 15.

Smith went on to score a superb 105 and was out shortly after lunch before a huge storm stopped play with South Africa 208-2, 28 ahead of England’s 108 with eight wickets in hand. Smith finally fellow to birthday boy Sidebottom, 32 today, and Prior but by then the damage had been done.

SABC spokesman Neil Manthorpe, a British-born commentator, said: “Unfortunately Daryl had his feed volume turned down to four out of ten.

“We all get the same feed, ESPN, SABC and Sky. We all heard it. He just didn’t realise. And it’s been like that for the whole Test match. It was all about twiddling a knob in the umpire’s room.”

The question nobody dared asked England boss Andy Flower afterwards was: Do England blame the knob in the umpire’s room or Daryl Harper? Flower said: “It’s disappointing. If this wasn’t such an important Test match it would have been amusing.

“We spoke to the match referee several times today. The first time he said Harper had a separate audio feed to Sky and SABC. We then established they all share the same feed. And when we went back, they told us about the volume level.

“Apparently they thought four out of 10 was sufficient. It’s obviously a problem”

With the ICC set to release a statement and the SABC taking two hours over their press release, an employee from Octagon, who provide the technical expertise for coverage the Wanderers, said: “Harper should have realised. They say he couldn’t hear the thunder when the storm broke over the ground later in the day.”

Ryan Sidebottom, who bowled the fourth over of the day, had no doubts. Nor did England wicketkeeper Matt Prior, who took the catch. But after New Zealand umpire Tony Hill failed to react to a universal appeal, England skipper Andrew Strauss called for an immediate review.

England’s players were clearly shocked when Harper, high in the stands in the umpire’s room, said he had heard nothing. The 58-year-old has to rely on the audio feed from the wicket microphone as South Africa does not have hot-spot technology in place for a suspected edge.

But former England seamer Matthew Hoggard said: “We all heard it You just had to twiddle with the volume control. Nobody can understand what happened, but it is difficult without hotspot technology.”

And Pommie Mbangwa, the former South African player in the commentary box said: “It was out, everybody knew it was out. We all heard the noise. Except Harper.”

While text messages flooded in from around the world claiming they had heard the snick, Harper chose not to make an appearance, preferring to wait for the ICC statement.

Meanwhile out on the flooded pitch, miracles were being worked by men with brooms (above) and two mechanised Super Squeegies. The flooded ground was miraculously dried and three hours and 18 minutes after that huge cloudburst drove us into the back of the stands seeking cover from the deluge and crashing thunder. If only Harper's mike was as efficient.

Resuming on 208-2 at 5.30 local time (which is when play is scheduled to close on an ordinary day here), Hashim Amla and Jacques Kallis were put under pressure by Ryan Sidebottom and Stuart Broad. But the rain soon returned and South Africa went off at 215-2.

Afterwards Flower, amid the accusations and counter-accusations over Harper’s knob, said: “The key to getting back in this match is to take early wickets tomorrow.”

In reality of course, the rain dance will take place in the Sandton Sun tonight. Attendance compulsory. It’s England’s only hope.