Lampard and Gerrard are not among the best midfielders in the Premier League. Who says so? Their fellow professionals!

FRANK LAMPARD is not one of the best midfielders in the Premier League. Neither is Steven Gerrard. Who says so? Their fellow professionals.

When the Professional Footballers’ Association named their team of the season today, neither Chelsea stalwart Lampard – who scored twice in the 7-0 demolition of Stoke yesterday – nor Gerrard – who produced a rasper for Liverpool against Burnley – were included.

And if England manager Fabio Capello needed a further blow before he names his provisional World Cup squad of 30 on May 11, John Terry wasn’t included either in a side which featured Irishman Richard Dunne of Aston Villa and Arsenal’s new find, Belgian Thomas Vermaelen, in the heart of defence.

There was no place either for Ashley Cole, generally considered the best left-back in the country, though he can blame injury for the lack of faith shown in his compact talents by his colleagues. That’s fair enough, but how United’s Darren Fletcher gets a place ahead of Lamps or Gerrard, I’ll never understand.

Cesc Fabregas? Fair enough, though he was far less influential than either Lampard or Gerrard this season. Still, I'd love to see the side named in London last night compete in the World Cup under a Premier League flag!

The team picked by the PFA (listed in full below) will generally depress Capello. There are just three Englishmen included: young Joe Hart in goal, the inspirational James Milner in the middle of the park and, of course, Wayne Rooney up front.

But the good news for Capello comes in the individual awards. As expected Rooney, top scorer in the Premier League with 24 this season, gets the nod as the Players’ Player of the Year, while Milner, who replaced Rooney as the youngest scorer in the top flight when he scored for Leeds at 16 in 2002, earns the Young Player accolade.

Rooney, twice a winner of the Young Player award, continues a bit of a Manchester United tradition: Ryan Giggs won it for his ageless talents last season while Cristiano Ronaldo won it in 2007 and 2008 before decamping for Real Madrid.

All the talk of course, is of Rooney’s gluteus maximus injury, also known locally as “the pain in the Arsenal.” United say he’ll be out for the last two games of the season but Rooney himself insists he will try to make himself available: another reason to be uncheerful for Capello.

Rooney, interviewed by Sky’s superb analyst Jeff Stelling after winning his award last night, said: “I voted for Didier Drogba for the senior award and Cesc Fabregas for young player.”

Asked if he thought he was the best in the world, Rooney grinned modestly: “It's nice that people put me up there, but for me I think Messi is the best in the world.”

He insisted his knee and his backside WILL be fit for the World Cup, as Stelling sympathetically said: “The whole nation gets in a panic when you’ve got a runny nose.”

Rooney added: 'You rely on the support and service of your team-mates. Without the support of people like Antonio Valencia (who has effectively replaced Ronaldo at United and was also named in the Premier League team of the season), I wouldn't be scoring goals. A lot of what I think I've achieved personally this season is down to that support from my team-mates.”

Rooney’s stats this season – assuming he doesn’t play in those last two games against Sunderland and Stoke – are: 230 shots, 82 on target, 34 goals in total, 18 with the right foot, an unprecedented 10 with the head, six with the left foot.

He has scored 20 at home, 12 away – and those two at Wembley. Thirteen goals came in first half, 21 in the second half. Some season.

But in the Premier League at least, he could be over-taken by Didier Drogba, who is one behind him on 24, with Liverpool and Wigan to play.

The Premier League team of the season, as selected by the Premier League players: Joe Hart (Birmingham, on loan from Manchester City/England), Branislav Ivanovic (Chelsea/Serbia), Thomas Vermaelen (Arsenal/Belgium), Richard Dunne (Aston Villa/Republic of Ireland), Patrice Evra (Manchester United/France), Antonio Valencia (Manchester United/Ecuador), Cesc Fabregas (Arsenal/Spain), Darren Fletcher (Manchester United/Scotland), James Milner (Aston Villa/England), Wayne Rooney (Manchester United/England), Didier Drogba (Chelsea/Ivory Coast).

My view? Dunne is a poor man’s Terry, Fletcher can’t compete with Lampard in terms of goals or presence, Sunderland’s Darren Bent deserved a shout ahead of Drogba. He’s scored one less goal for Sunderland who have scored 47 goals to Chelsea’s 93.

Apart from that? I'd suggest Arsenal's Bacary Sagna ahead of Ivanovic at right back but I'd be showing my bias!

Otherwise, this combination, boasting players from nine nations, would be capable of taking on just about any other League Select XI in the world. Except, perhaps, for La Liga.

But then that English v. Spanish debate could dominate the World Cup at all levels this summer.

Who the hell is Neal Collins (nealcol on Twitter)? See http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqck5JuZtuc or www.nealcollins.co.uk .

Chelsea in seventh heaven, and my money's going on blue not red for the title

SO who’ll bet against Chelsea to win the Premier League now with the season down to the final two games? The whole world appeared to dash down to the bookmakers last week to put their recession-proof cash on Manchester United.

They might as well have put it on Emmanuel Eboue to become Prime Minister on May 6, as some bored Arsenal fans were suggesting on posters during yesterday's awful 0-0 draw with Manchester City.

Chelsea may have slipped up against in-form Spurs last week but they were unstoppable against Stoke City today, cantering home 7-0 despite the absence of suspended captain John Terry.

Afterwards, stand-in skipper Frank Lampard grinned: “Seven? That's a fair scoreline really! We were very concentrated on what we wanted to do."

But looking ahead to the visit to Anfield next Saturday, he added more seriously: "The Liverpool game’s definitely tough. Liverpool are always tough for us. They’re going to want to finish the season strong. We were very concentrated on what we wanted to do."

Though strikers Didier Drogba and Nicolas Anelka failed to score, Lampard struck twice, taking his tally to 20 League goals again this season. Asked how he does it, Lampard laughed: "It's all down to hard work. I try to arrive and score important goals for the team."

Salomon Kalou, after his first Chelsea hat-trick, said: “We have to keep winning. Today we did well, 7-0 is a great result. I am always ready to give my best. We know we have to work hard to finish champion.”

Coach Carlo Ancelotti, never one to blow his trumpted too loud, said: “For this I am happy. We played for 90 minutes today. Goal difference is not important for us this season, but we have 93 goals in the Premier League this season.

“Liverpool is very difficult, very important. We are very close to the title. It is in our hands. Liverpool are a fantastic team, they are involved in fourth place, we are in first. But to decide our own destiny is a good thing.”

United needed a late, late header from pint-sized Paul Scholes to claim three points against neighbours City last week but yesterday they saw off Tottenham 3-1 to end Harry Redknapp’s dream of beating the top three in successive games (and possibly, the club's first-ever Champions League qualification).

Ryan Giggs, taking the first and second penalties of an 18-year Premier League career, was on the spot to complement a superb finish from Nani, one of several United players seen throwing up during the game.

Sir Alex Ferguson said afterwards: “There were a few players who had some kind of sickness bug which didn’t help us. But the main thing is we are to of the table with two games left.”

But of course, by 5.45pm today, they were no longer looking down on the other 19 clubs and they were all sick as parrots.

Chelsea had, as expected, won their game in hand over one-dimensional Stoke leaving United - a point behind with a now vastly inferior goal-difference - needing help from arch-rivals Liverpool next week to reclaim their title.

Sure, Fergie loves the psychology in these situations. He said after the win over Spurs: “I hope you feel the pressure now,” and he would have loved hearing Chelsea boss Carlo Ancelotti admitting on Friday how upset his side were to see Scholes’s late winner last week.

Ancelotti told us: “We will not watch United play Spurs, perhaps we will go and see a film like Clash of the Titans, I hear it is very good.”

Whether they went to the movies or watched the lesser clash of titans at Old Trafford yesterday, Chelsea appeared untroubled by United’s ability to succeed without the crocked Wayne Rooney.

And the good news for Ivory Coast fans before the World Cup is that Didier Drogba appears to be bothered again. For the last couple of weeks, Chelsea’s top scorer has looked off the pace... he may not have got on the lengthy score-sheet today but he made four and looked something akin to a world-class striker again.

By half-time, their clash with Stoke was about damage limitation for the visitors, who go to Manchester United for their last game on May 9. United’s other game? Mid-table Sunderland next Saturday. Chelsea travel to Liverpool on Saturday and finish at relegated Hull on May 9.

Chelsea went in 3-0 up at half-time with Kalou scoring the first two and Frank Lampard adding a penalty. Kalou made it 4-0 and completed his first Blue hat-trick after 67 minutes and Lampard scored his second, Chelsea's fifth, with nine minutes left.

Daniel Sturridge then produced his first Chelsea goal before Florent Malouda finally got one to make it seven and ensure Chelsea's biggest win since May 1963, when they beat Portsmouth by the same margin.

Liverpool next week will be a slightly sterner test – Rafa Benitez’s men put Burnley down with a 4-0 thrashing today – but as I said yesterday on Sky News, my money’s on the Blues who will hardly lack confidence after today's efforts.

With Rooney apparently out for the rest of the campaign with a gluteal strain – or as some might put it, a pain in the Arsenal – United will have their work cut out but from where I sit, Chelsea are in pole position with only a small red cloud on the horizon.

And Drogba, one behind Rooney's 26 goals in the scoring charts, will snatch the golden boot too, unless Kalou keeps hogging the goals. Given Malouda's unbelievable miss in the 72nd minute yesterday - a miscued side-foot effort from about three inches - Drogba will certainly get the chances.

As for Rooney's ability to recuperate before the World Cup... we'll save that little gem for another day.

Who the hell is Neal Collins (nealcol on Twitter)? See http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqck5JuZtuc or www.nealcollins.co.uk .

Altitude and Altidore The Threat To England In Jozyburg

IT’S the game primed to decide the whole tone of the World Cup. England versus the USA, Group C, at the Royal Bafokeng Soccer Palace near Rustenburg on June 12.

This remote venue – built by the local tribal king with his vast platinum profits - will play host to the two nations responsible for the highest foreign tickets sales in what has been, up to now, a difficult market.

England see it as a chance to reverse their worst ever World Cup result – the infamous 1-0 defeat at Belo Horizonte in 1950 – but Hull’s Jozy Altidore, as we shall hear later, reckons his lot are in for a crack at the final after their success at the Confederations Cup in South Africa last year.

It’s a good 90 minutes across the single-track Hartebeespoort Dam wall from Johannesburg (also known, ironically, as Jozy) and Pretoria, and it could be a damn wall by the time the fans bottle-neck it in early June. After the vast, scenic reservoir, the R4 to Rustenburg is a toll road, the alternative roads are pot-holed (but being repaired, I’m told) as you drive through 60 miles of platinum mines and shanty towns, punctuated by huge fruit farms.

This is the road to Sun City, the golf and gambling paradise. And it’s always been a risk. If the fans don’t turn up for this one, it will be a very poor start for Africa’s first World Cup.

Both sides –given their FIFA rankings - are expected to qualify from a group which also features Algeria (27) and Slovenia (29). England (8) are scheduled to return to the Palace – just four miles from their World Cup base at the Royal Marang Hotel - for their first knock-out game as Group C winners (their plans to stay near high-altitude Rustenburg have been in place for 18 months which is why I’ve always suggested the World Cup draw was fixed, see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=26B6civ-8qk, a video recorded after the draw on December 4). The USA (16), as runners-up, will head for Bloemfontein, which ain’t a holiday resort. No sir.

That’s why the Yanks won’t want to lose this one. They’ll want to see off England and play the Group D runners-up in Rustenburg, disturbing England’s carefully laid preparations. That would send England on the 500 mile journey to Bloemfontein, capital of the Orange Free State, traditionally the heart of Afrikaner country. And they don’t much like the English (don’t bother yourself, this grudge goes back to 1888 and a series of Bore Wars, sorry Boer Wars).

Talking of wars, Group D, of course, is a bit of a group of death. Kind of a gathering of gloom. It contains Germany (6), Australia (19), Serbia (15) and Ghana (31). My guess is Germany will win it, Ghana will finish second. And I know who I’d rather play, especially with Chelsea’s Michael Essien expressing doubts today over his knee before Africa’s greatest footballing month.

So who is perfectly placed to look ahead to this crunch game, the scene-setter for the two best-followed nations in South Africa on June 12? The Americans have several players operating in England – their star man Landon Donovan came over on loan with Everton, crocked our left-back Ashley Cole (accidentally of course) and went home to prepare.

But Altidore, the huge, lightning-quick Hull winger, will stay to the bitter end of the Premier League season, with compatriots Tim Howard (Everton), Clint Dempsey (Fulham), Jonathan Spector (West Ham), Marcus Hahnemann (Wolves) and club-mate Boaz Myhill.

Josmar Volmy Altidore, all muscle and pace, is still just 20 but he is a definite in a tricky squad selection for coach Bob Bradley.

Altidore, skating over the twin disasters of a car crash involving his mate and fellow US international Charlie Davies and the earthquake in his parents’ Haiti, says: “As we found out in the Confederations Cup in South Africa last year, anything can happen. Italy and Spain were there but we were beating Brazil 2-0 in the final.

“We had the win in the bag. That’s what we thought. But you can’t do that against a team of Brazil’s calibre and we lost 3-2. But it was a good lesson to learn.

“I think that all of us agree that we’re in a group which will allow us to play our football. We’ll be up against a world force in England and two quick teams in Slovenia and Algeria, and I think these opponents really suit our style of play.”

Nothing to be scared of then, for the lad from Livingstone, New Jersey? “We're never scared,” he grins, “We’re really looking forward to the England game. I think that we’re capable of beating anybody on our day and there’s no team in the world that can beat us easily.

“We’re up to the challenge and the English will realise that when we meet them. It'll be a tough match; no team can walk over us.

But Altidore admits: “I’ve been through a lot over the last two or three years that people don’t know about. I was trying to put the car accident behind me when the earthquake struck in Haiti. I’ve still got family there but you have to be strong and not let the sadness weigh you down.

“Even before all that I had family issues which stopped me from focusing completely on football. They affected my performances. Things are better now and I’ve vowed to myself that this will be the year I return to the very top, taking full advantage of the World Cup. I'll be getting back to doing what I love.”

Altidore insists playing for lowly relegation candidates Hull is no bad thing. He grins: “It’s very different to Villarreal and New York, where I played before.

“I knew moving to England wouldn’t be easy. I was aware I was joining a team where I wasn’t going to score lots of goals. It was a challenge and a decision that I’d really thought through. I don’t regret it at all.

“Things are different at Hull. We’re battling against relegation. That makes every goalscoring opportunity, every point and every win valuable.

“I was the first American to score in La Liga. Being the first American to score in a World Cup final would be unbelievable - but it’s very possible. Just look at the Confederations Cup.”

Replacing the Special One: Sir Alex Ferguson makes a Moyes, I'm going for Sparky

IT'S been football's burning question for a decade. It befuddles the mind of every pundit: How do you replace the world's most special manager?

No, not the self-styled flash-in-the-pan Jose "Special One" Mourinho - he'll be staying in Italy after his Inter Milan took a 3-1 lead over Barcelona in the Champions League semi-final last night - we're talking about Sir Alex Ferguson, Europe's longest-serving top-flight manager.

The son of a Strathclyde dock worker took over at Manchester United in 1986, when the Red Devils were mired in hellish mediocrity. Then he was just plain Alexander Chapman Ferguson, aged 45. His qualifications? He'd scored 170 goals in 317 League games as an "unfussy centre forward" in Scotland, including 25 in 41 for mighty Rangers.

And as a coach? After taking St Mirren to the First Division title, he'd pushed Aberdeen - you won't have heard of them, they've reverted to being an average outfit just south of the Arctic cirle - right up with the Old Firm of Celtic and Rangers, even taking on the European superpowers.

Fergie, yet another attempt to fill the yawning chasm left after Sir Matt Busby's 26-year reign, didn't look like he was the answer either. For three years he struggled, losing 5-1 to neighbours Manchester City and struggling to break the dominance of arch-rivals Liverpool as fans and supporters demanded his replacement.

But he got there in the end, winning the FA Cup after the "dark days" of December 1989 and by the time England decided to create a Premier League in 1992, United were ready to become the dominant force in England - and twice in Europe - until the present day.

The full list of silverware cannot be matched by any other manager:

St Mirren:

1 Scottish First Division championship 1977

Aberdeen:

3 Scottish Premier League Titles 1980,1984,1985

4 Scottish F.A. Cups 1982,1983,1984,1986

1 Scottish League Cup 1986

1 European Cup Winners Cup 1983

1 European Super Cup 1983

Manchester United: 11 English Premier League Titles 1993,1994,1996,1997,1999,2000,2001,2003,2007,2008,2009

8 Charity/community Shields 1990,1993,1994,1996,1997,2003,2007,2008

5 English F.A. Cups 1990,1994,1996,1999,2004

4 English League Cups 1992,2006,2009,2010 2 European Cups 1999,2008

1 European Cup Winners Cup 1991

1 European Super Cup 1991

1 Intercontinental cup 1999

1 Fifa club World Cup 2008

Now though, after a series of attempts to reach for the pipe and slippers, Sir Alex, 68, is ready to retire "after one more season", six months before his 70th birthday.

This morning's Sun suggests he has picked out another Glaswegian, Everton's David Moyes, as his successor. Now 46, Moyes has done a reasonable job at Merseyside's second club. He's not hit the heights, though he is currently threatening the dominance of neighbours Liverpool.

Can he fill Fergie's boots? Hardly. A veteran of 535 games as a centre-half, Moyes can be tough. City boss Roberto Mancini found that out ion a touch-line scuffle a couple of weeks ago. And he can be astute - selling Wayne Rooney to Manchester United turned out to be less disastrous than most Toffeemen thought.

But he will have seen what's gone before when Sir Alex - knighted after his first Champions League success in 1999 - talks about quitting. A volcanic cloud of pretenders emgerges. Once there was talk of Sven Goran Eriksson and Arsene Wenger. Then former players Roy Keane and Steve Bruce. Now we'll see Mourinho, Big Phil Scolari and Guus Hiddink thrown into the pot with Moyes.

There is still no direct quote from Sir Alex available on the subject of Moyes. But me? I'd look no further than Mark Hughes. A former United striker who impressed wherever he played, Hughes has sharpened his managerial spurs with Wales, Blackburn and Manchester City.

His premature sacking by the Abu Dhabi billionaires who control Eastlands will be the perfect grudge to carry into the job next summer, after a period of acclimatisation next to Sir Alex.

Sure, Moyes will be the chosen one for a few weeks. Perhaps Sir Alex will even come out and say it. But I'm sticking with Sparky. And I'd be surprised if Fergie himself doesn't agree.

South Africa's World Cup preparations under a volcanic cloud in Germany

SOUTH AFRICA’S preparations for the World Cup may be going smoothly at home – but in Germany, where their team are currently lingering beneath the volcanic dust cloud, chaos reigns.

Carlos Alberto Parreira, Brazilian boss of Bafana Bafana, always had his work cut out. In charge of the world’s 88th best side (that’s two better than Iceland, but they can blame volcanos), they are by some distance the lowest ranked host nation in the history of the tournament.

But then their weekend match against Second Division Greuther Furth was called off. Monday’s clash with Third Division SpVgg Unterhaching soon followed. And nobody would comment. A stony silence as worried media tried to find out what was going on, whether this week’s matches against Eintracht Frankfurt and Nuremburg would go on.

Today SAFA chairman Leslie Sedibe, always something of a compromise appointment when he was surprisingly elected ahead of Danny Jordaan last October, said: "We are working very hard in an effort to address these problems and those responsible will be called on to give accountability.

“We are attempting to resolve the practice match issue from here and with the people in Germany. Our coach is using his contacts in Europe to get us matches.”

Hmm. You would have thought from the day Sedibe got the job six months ago he would have been considering his nation’s warm-up opponents. He’d have had June 11 ringed in red on the calendar by predecessor Raymond Hack, surely? After all, they won the bid to host the World Cup in May 2004.

But this is the team which was planning to use Esselen Park Centre of Excellence near Johannesburg as their World Cup base. Then they discovered in January it needed R16m (that’s about £1,6m) worth of work done. A brief inspection revealed the Kempton Park site was “run down and shabby”. So the hosts became the last team to officially confirm their base in February – they were planning to use Sandown High School while the other 31 nations headed for their purpose built training camps.

Now South Africa will prepare alongside Holland at Wits University – but only after a last-minute plea which saved the job of Sipho Nkumjane, the BafBaf team manager who is coming under pressure again today following the fixtures debacle in Germany.

Bafana's camp in Germany – coming hard on the heels of a similar trip to Brazil - will cost SAFA about £4m (R30m). And their vital trio of Premier League players – Everton’s Steven Pienaar, West Ham’s Benni McCarthy and Portsmouth’s FA Cup final-bound Aaron Makoena – aren’t even allowed to be there.

Sedibe, who was supposed to fly home on Sunday night like so many others, added: “Now the situation has been further aggravated with clubs in Europe having to reschedule their travel plans, using road transport instead of air travel, to get from one match to another.”

Their planned fixture with fellow finalists North Korea fell apart because the Koreans wanted to play the game in Spain, not Germany.

And the fiercely Communist nation - ranked 105 by FIFA, the lowest of the 32 nations - were also demanding an appearance fee.

Instead, South Africa hope to play European minnows Estonia (ranked No100 in the world) on Saturday and China (84th) in Furth on April 29. But don’t hold your breath.

They return home to play Columbia (39th) – their first game with their Premier League trio – at Soccer City on May 27.

And their last warm-up before their World Cup opening Group A game against Mexico (17th) will be against Denmark (34th) at Africa’s biggest stadium on June 5.

Some good news though. Siyabonga Nomvethe, the Moroka Swallows striker recalled to the 23-man squad for the trip, says: “The atmosphere is great here but the training is tough. We are enjoying every moment of it and so far so good in terms of our preparations for the World Cup.”

Revealed: The Method Behind Wenger's Cut-Price Madness

IT HAS taken this writer a full 24 hours to crash land after that volcanic eruption at Wigan’s soulless DW Stadium yesterday.

But the soul-searching has been worth it. The tears not spilled in vain. Because I’ve worked out what Arsene Wenger’s doing beneath that dust-cloud of Gallic quotes. How his miserly ways will turn the German-speaking Frenchman from Scrooge to Scrumptious. Honest.

Look, there’s no getting away from the fact that his carefully assembled bunch of foreign youngsters self-destructed yesterday. Throwing away a 2-0 lead to go down 3-2 against a relegation-threatened, gormless bunch of Latics when the title was there for the taking is inexcusable.

Sure, Gooners will be blaming Lukasz Fabianski for the abysmal 11-minute collapse. Neither he nor No1 Manuel Almunia – allegedly unfit for yesterday’s game – are truly world class goalkeepers (we will neatly forget the Spaniard’s first half display against Barcelona two weeks ago).

Others will point out the lack of a striker which leaves Arsenal constantly struggling for the goals their dominance deserves (though possession was split 50-50 yesterday, with Wigan (13) having more shots than Arsenal (10)). With Robin van Persie injured and Nicklas Bendtner offering two left feet, they argue, Marouane Chamakh should have been purchased from Bordeaux in January... not left fretting in France for another six months.

And then there’s the injury distraction. Since William Gallas was crocked after Christmas, they’ve conceded goals the way air-controllers cancel flights at Heathrow. Then there’s Van Persie, just back, Aaron Ramsey, Kieron Gibbs, Thomas Vermaelen, Andrie Arshavin and Cesc Fabregas, who will probably be wearing a Barcelona jersey next time we see him in club action.

But forget all the smoke and mirrors. I have seen beyond them. A simple look at the total net-spend of the top clubs since the Premier League began in 1992 explains everything. Take a squint at these figures from Sky Sports News today:

Chelsea: £366m

Manchester City: £301m

Liverpool: £201m

Tottenham £176m

Manchester United £139m

Arsenal £32m

And United’s figure is eased significantly by the £90m sale of Cristiano Ronaldo to Real Madrid last summer.

It’s clear isn’t it? Arsene Wenger is not worried about the trophy cabinet which hasn’t seen as much an egg-cup popped in for six years.

Monsewer Wenger isn’t concerned about missing out of the big signings, the star names. He’s not bothered when he loses Mathieu Flamini and Thierry Henry when they demand huge pay increases. All that matters is the bottom line.

Arsenal have their new stadium. They have a strong, young squad (though clearly, not one strong enough to win silverware). And the club operates in profit despite the move to the glossy Emirates Stadium.

That’s clear when he says after yesterday’s embarrassing capitulation: “Tottenham and Manchester City can still catch us, so we have to win at least one more game.” Aaargh.

Here’s the master plan, the vital bit: he’s looking ahead to the time when Roman Abramovich demands his money back at Chelsea, when Abu Dhabi’s oily masters decide Manchester City aren’t really all that, when Daniel Levy stops Harry Redknapp’s profligacy at Spurs, when Manchester United and Liverpool fall foul of their dollar-wielding owners as they scuttle back to Yankee Doodle land.

And then, when English football runs as Sepp Blatter and Michel Platini want it to – debt-free – Arsenal will be top dogs. Sadly, they’ll be top dogs in a Premier League of poodles; an edifice which will collapse even more spectacularly than Serie A did at the start of the century.

But given a few more recessions and the odd volcanic dust cloud or two, that might not be far away. Thriftiness will soon be next to Godliness in the footballing lexicon. Come on you cost-effective Gunners!

(What was I really doing yesterday? See http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjC4m_cypfg or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57FtQ7Oqg8A and be amazed! Full report of the National Christian Vets Cup Final on www.nealcollins.co.uk)

National Christian Vets final (Carshalton): Goldhill Baptist 4, Molesey 1

GOLDHILL'S GOLDEN OLDIES: Back row, left to right: Coach Mark 'Special One' Thomas, Ian 'Shin pads' Benning, Bruce 'The Nuts' Nutman, Simon 'The Boss' Damery, Dave 'Supersub' Hughes, Mark 'No Mug' Mugglestone, Dave 'The Voice' Hetherington, Don '54 this year' Bradley, Jason 'Cruiser' Lambe, James 'Top Scorer' Cansdale, Steve 'Not For Sale' Prokopiou, Nigel 'Flash' Williams. Front row: Brian 'Little Flash' Riddell, Paul 'Littlest Flash' Morris (player/manager), Jon 'Deadball' Dennis, Neal 'Read My Book' Collins, Gary 'Safe Hands' Hales.

GOLDHILL BAPTIST CHURCH'S creaking veterans lifted the National Christian Vets Cup with a 4-1 win over Molesey on Sunday.

In front of strong support from travelling Chalfont St Peter villagers at Carshalton Athletic FC, Goldhill found themselves a goal down at half-time.

But an equaliser from Steve Prokopiou early in the second half saw the momentum change dramatically and Nigel Williams, Bruce Nutman and James Cansdale - top scorer in the tournament with six goals - ensured a first-ever national trophy.

Coach Mark Thomas, a former Chalfont St Peter Middle School and Dr Challoners pupil aged 24 - roughly half the age of the players he manages - said: "We were brilliant in the second half. And now we're on for the treble. We are in a good position to win the Chiltern Churches Second Division and in the semi-final of the League Cup."

Manager Paul Morris, by some inches the smallest player in the side, said: "That was a great day out for all of us and the match was played in the right spirit."