"Unavoidably detained" by the South African Police in Potchefstroom. A World Cup saga worth reading.

THE South African security police have just brought me back to my room in Potchefstroom. I thought I was never going to make it. I have shown them my British passport. I am now a free man. Phew.

For those who doubt the veracity of the security at this World Cup, rest easy. I thought I would never see another football match about an hour ago. That’s not a criticism, it’s a compliment.

Problem is, I tried to wander in to the grounds of the Potchefstroom University High Performance Centre, where Spain – the favourites – are due to train before they kick-off their first Group G game against Switzerland on June 16.

They arrive on June 11, a little later than the rest. I wanted to do another of my classically amateur “World Cup base” videos for YouTube, see where Cesc Fabregas was going to stay for a month, sample the atmosphere of one of the finest high-altitude training centres in the world.

Then Arnold struck. He stopped me at the gate. I was in a suit, video camera in hand. “Sorry sir, you can go no further.”

Fair enough. Then his pal Plaaitjies turned up. In Afrikaans, his supervisor ordered him to put me in front of the closed-circuit television camera. He said this was “baie belangrik” and added “hou hom daar”.

Problem is, I can speak the local language. He was saying it was “very important” and “hold him there.” Despite the near-freezing Highveld winter evening, I started to sweat.

My driver Samuel, from the Lemon Tree guest house, turned up to get me. By then the local police had turned up. I was in serious trouble. Then the security police joined them. And two burly lads from the High Performance Centre.

Look I wasn’t arrested. They didn’t read me my rights. But I was certainly “unavoidably detained”.

Now I know how men with beards feel when they walk through airports. I tried to usual smooth talk, telling them how wonderful their country is, how I’d written an entire page on African football in the local Johannesburg Star that very day. Then the phone rang. The local radio station, 702 wanted to talk about the day’s pre-World Cup goings-on. Oops. Later.

Then the fateful question: “Your passport please sir.” And of course, I’d left it in my room. South Africans always have their identity documents on hand. I was lost. It was a life-term for sure.

I showed them my press card from the now-defunct London Lite newspaper, valid until next year. Not good enough.

I eked my passport number out of my mobile phone. Not good enough.

A bloke called Sam started making phone calls. I was escorted to see my driver and told him to go home. God, it was like South Africa when I was a kid. Full of dark secrets and whispered Afrikaans threats.

But these weren’t the same sjambok-wielding monsters of my youth. The picture above is just a stock pic. I didn't dare take a snap while I was there!

But by now we were all getting on famously, despite the tension. I explained I could speak Afrikaans and knew a bit about the place. The big bearded bloke assigned to guard me explained that, just last week, some “men with tattoos” had visited the centre claiming to be from “International Intelligence”. They were nothing of the kind. They’re still tracking them down.

Spain’s multi-millionaires will soon be here. No chances can be taken. And of course, they’re right. But God, it was cold.

An hour slipped by. I found myself enjoying the conversation, whilst apologising profusely for not phoning ahead to check my visit was okay. We talked about the old South Africa, the new Rainbow Nation... and the importance of recent events in Soweto, when the Pretoria Bulls and their notoriously conservative fans were forced to move their Super 15 rugby final to South Africa’s most notorious township. And it went off like a dream, all races drinking, celebrating together.

We talked about crime, the changes in the country. We discussed football – Plaaitjies reckons the Dutch will win the World Cup, Alfred was sticking to South Africa.

Then they escorted me back to Room 17 at the Lemon Grass guest house. Fellow guests were a little bemused as I led Sam, not a bloke to be trifled with, into my room with a cohort. I showed him my passport.

He leafed through it slowly. “Okay,” he said, “It all checks out. Carry this with you at all times in South Africa. I’ll call you in the morning, show your round.”

With that, they were off. I was a free man. But take my advice, don’t take any liberties with the South Africans if you’re coming out. They’ll be all over you. But as long as you stay polite and carry your passport, you’ll be fine.

But I can’t seem to get my heart-rate down to under 100.

For classically amateur videos, try http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sAousno69rI or http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XjzwzNhaeTM

Time to end England's misery. Not.

TIME for a quick review of the last week for English sports fans before we begin to discuss this weekend's international showdowns.
On Saturday Martin Johnson's rugby union hopefuls produced what former World Cup-winner Matt Dawson described as "the worst half of rugby I have ever seen" as they scraped to a 16-9 win over Argentina at Twickenham. Soon afterwards, Fabio Capello's all-conquering World Cup group winners were given a severe reality check by Brazil in Doha, losing 1-0 when really, they were lucky to get nil.
And so to Sunday, with Andy Flower's cricketers treated to a record-breaking Twenty20 defeat by South Africa at Centurion and Tony Smith resigning after his side were soundly walloped by the Wallabies in the Four Nations final at an even-quieter-than-usual Old Trafford.
Not a great weekend then. Oh, perhaps we should mention that all four of our international bosses, particularly Johnson and Capello, were hit by injuries to 341 members of their squads.
And no doubt the excuses will be hauled out again this weekend, with England launching their five-match ODI campaign at the Wanderers with only 13 fit players and New Zealand arriving for the final Autumn International at Twickenham with Simon Shaw back in the squad at 35.
The cricketers did manage a win over South Africa A at Potchefstroom yesterday with Andrew Strauss, Matt Prior and Jonathan Trott all getting half centuries and yes, all three of them were born in South Africa. Alistair Cook pulled out with a sore back to add to the injury list which already features Paul Collingwood, Stuart Broad, James Anderson and Graeme Swann.
Adil Rashid? The man taken off after one over when he was hit for four sixes last Sunday, bowled eight overs and ended with 0-44.
Trott was wheeled out for the post-match quotes. He said: "I think it was a nicely measured innings from us. Andrew Strauss set it up nicely at the beginning and along with Joe Denly gave us a good start.
"I then came in and sort of got going. There was then a little period where the guys came in, getting themselves in and then getting themselves out unfortunately.
"But Matt Prior came in and played an awesome innings - I just batted around him and then Luke Wright came in and played his part, the way we know he can, and we got ourselves home."
I can't see England beating South Africa on Friday at the bull-ring... though I notice their rugby Springboks fell to a third successive defeat on tour, this time by a point to one of their colonies, Saracens, at Wembley.
If only England were playing the Boks on Saturday we might have a chance. The All Blacks, beaten by South Africa in the Tri-Nations, may be too much for England's depleted side, even with the resurgent Shaw.
It's going to be another tough weekend for England fans.

England down to 12 fit men on the bus, and the coach is struggling too

ENGLAND go into today’s warm-up against South Africa A at Potchefstroom with just 12 fit players on the team bus. And the team coach is struggling too.
Andy Flower, the Cape Town-born Zimbabwean batsman in charge of England’s ailing tourists, finds himself under fire from the home side despite having conjured a 1-1 draw from a two-match Twenty20 series dominated by the hosts.
Their coach, Mickey Arthur, covets the England job and has been quick to offer advice. Their captain Graeme Smith has twice battered England’s bowlers after slamming rival Andrew Strauss for snubbing the shortest form of the game and their best batsman, AB De Villiers, has also waded in on Alastair Cook’s decision to give young Yorkshire spinner Adil Rashid just one over in Sunday’s crushing 84-run defeat at Centurion.
With the first of five one-day internationals looming at the intimidating Wanderers bull-ring on Friday, Flower came out fighting today, just like he used to as a tiny but significant batsman for Essex.
He said: “Yes, I’ll be analysing the opposition, but I won't be commenting on them. All I would say is that I have gone through my career as a player, and I will continue to do so as a coach, in as modest a fashion as possible.
"I have been asked repeatedly about some of the comments from the opposition coach. Perhaps their status as No 1 is encouraging them to react differently. But I am very comfortable about where we are as a team and I concentrate all my energies on us as a team.”
As a tactic, it wasn’t a bad way to put the South African trio in their place for speaking out of turn. Flower defended the Rashid decision with some gusto. Rashid only played because senior spinner Graeme Swann was out with a side strain. Swann twittered: “I’m stiff as a board, perhaps I’m getting too old for this,” and Rashid found himself slapped for four sixes and 25 runs before stand-in skipper Cook - later fined for a slow over rate - saw fit to turn to the part-time tweaking of Kevin Pietersen and Joe Denly.
But Flower pointed out: “Adil bowled six balls to two batsmen who were absolutely set. It was a flat wicket, it wasn't turning and it was a small outfield and he got punished in those six balls.
"I know Adil. He's a 22-year-old leg-spinner finding his way. He's very skilful, he's going to be a very good all-rounder. He's been doing some excellent work with Mushtaq Ahmed, our bowling coach. I'm not overly concerned about what happened yesterday. We obviously deal with the individuals in an appropriate way, regardless of comments from the opposition."
Rashid is set to play at Potchefstroom tonight in a side deprived of Swann, Paul Collingwood (back), Stuart Broad (buttock) and their only form bowler, Jimmy Anderson (knee). Asked about his injury problems, Flower laughed: "I'll have to get my note book."
But South Africa’s master-batsman AB de Villiers, hardly needed behind the opening assault delivered by captain Graeme Smith and self-styled “Bazooka” Loots Bosman in the Twenty20s, delivered a veiled joked aimed at the England casualties. With news of England’s injuries leaking, he said: "The likes of Broad and Anderson, they have quite a few good bowlers here.
"But our batters are aware of that, and we've analysed them pretty well. We've also played a lot of games against them in the last two years, so we know all about them and we're going to have to play very well. It's a big challenge for our batters."
De Villiers isn’t to be trifled with. In six Tests leading up to England’s arrival in his country, he has scored a 746 runs at an average of 49,73 with a high of 174. And now he’s looking forward to doing Rashid’s fragile confidence more damage.
He said of the decision to give Rashid six balls on Sunday: "We were actually talking about it when (Joe) Denly came on to bowl.
"I was sitting next to Mickey (Arthur) in the dugout, and he said 'what's going on here. Rashid is a class bowler - why are they bringing on a guy like Denly?'
"That's not mind games. That's just chatting about the opposition. I just think it's bad for a guy's confidence, especially a youngster just coming in, when you bring in a guy like Denly.
"He (Rashid) could have taken a wicket at any time. He's got a lot of talent and he's going to get a lot of wickets in the future."
With Strauss back in charge after the Twenty20s, De Villiers – who will bat at three in the ODIs, said: "He's a class captain. He showed it in the Ashes.
"To handle the last Test match the way he did, he´s obviously very, very good, and it's going to be a great challenge between him and Graeme Smith.
"They're both very strong captains. I've played under Graeme for the last six years and I think he's the best captain in the world at the moment.
"What is going to make the difference between them is the performance - I believe the one who performs better will have a bigger effect on the team."
Asked if he remembered Kevin Pietersen’s ton when he made his debut for South Africa in Bloemfontein in January 2005, De Villiers said simply: "I don't remember much I just remember we won the series 4-1."