Humour or racism? David Kekana on SABC last night... "This umlungu uyadlisa" or "the white man is making us lose"

THIS is the moment - all poorly-filmed 12 seconds of it - when SABC analyst David Kekana put his foot in his mouth on Thomas Mlambo's otherwise excellent Monday night show SoccerZone.


The sound ain't great. But here's what happened. Asked about whether he preferred Kaizer Chiefs goalkeeper Brilliant Khuzwayo or Belgium-based Darren Keet to play in goal for South Africa during the AFCON 2015 tournament, Kekana made no bones about it. He said he preferred Itumeleng Khune's 24-year-old stand-in at the AmaKhosi and said: "This mlungu uyadlisa" or "the white man is costing us" when referring to Cape Town-born Keet, .


I have no problem with the use of the word umlungu. This very morning my t-shirt was emblazoned with the word, which means "white guy" and Bafana Bafana captain Dean Furman knows when that word is chanted around the stadium, it is not used in a derogatory sense.

WHAT IT SAYS ON THE SHIRT: particularly
ugly example of the race group Mlungu

But linked with the idea that Keet is in someway inferior - so far he has barely put a foot (or a hand) wrong in the national jersey - it comes across as deeply offensive. And as my twitter followers immediately pointed out last night, RACIST.


I've looked up "uyasidlisa". On google, the confusing response in English was "Iranians" (go on, try it) but most suggest it means "helping us to lose" with the "uya" suggesting defeat and "sidlisa" his role in the side.Scelo Nciki (@scubkae1 on twitter) and many others helped me with that. 


Twitter on the whole blasted Kekana, not just for his utterance but for his on-screen performance generally, suggesting a lot of his "jokes" fall flat. When I retweeted some of those messages, Kekana stayed silent. The debate raged but generally the reaction was: Imagine if a white analyst had said: "The darkie is letting us down". Unthinkable.


Ultimately, that is the bottom-line. Using race to single a man out for criticism has long been a problem in South Africa.


The question is: in post-Aparthate South Africa how seriously should be take black racism against white folk, after those long years of pale oppression? Clearly white-on-black racism has always been the major problem. But are we now democratic enough to see both sides of this particularly ugly coin? After 21 years, I'd argue: It's time to stop judging on race, time to end the awful habit of declaring ANYTHING on the basis of skin colour.


Around 90% of the tweets agreed with me as we went to bed, only to wake up this morning with THESE tweets from @davidkekana:


"I was asked a comparative question about Keet and Khuzwayo I said he conceded 33 goals in 21 matches for club"


"In African terms someone with a white hue is referred to as Umlungu. Nothing racist about that."


"Well I am married to an Umlungu, so I get told every day when I walk the streets with my wife"


I pointed out that I know several white men who, though married across the colour-line, hold racist views. When I recommended a course in broadcasting, he responded: "Neil (sic) I have done media law and hold a bachelors degree. Please don't insult me."


I said no slight was intended and asked him to apologise, he responded: "To please you Neil?"


I said no, just to prove he was a decent bloke. That was followed by: "I did not judge him based on his colour! It's your interpretation and not a fact"


I pointed out that "umlungu" suggested he had immediately zoned in on to Keet's colour. Kekana, refusing to apologise or accept responsibility for his words, then tweeted: "Neil, I have better things to be concerned with than you. You are the list (sic) of my concern."


And then came the cracker. The response of all racists under fire: "Like all racist (sic) Neal has to point fingers. Does that sound like turning the wheel back to an era?"


By then Kekana was trending on South African twitter as the nation vented their feelings. You can read the tweets online now if you want. Some came to Kekana's defence, but most agreed: "Please apologise, it's the right thing to do". That is, in my view, still the dominant feeling.

Seconds ago, Kekana sent this: "I said Mlungu Oyadlisa, cause he conceded 33 goals in 21 games in Belgium. Get your Zulu interpreter to interpret that."

As I write, there has been no response from the national broadcaster nor Thomas Mlambo, the presenter of SoccerZone and a man who I consider a friend. We did Euro2012 together. Mlambo, as you can see in the video footage, attempted to put a sock in Kekana's mouth as the incident unfolded and after the ad break, he came close to an apology for his colleague's sentiments.


But there has been no apology from Kekana. It's not like we are asking for a pint of blood. Just a simple sorry. If a white man were to say such things of a black player - particularly on the rugby or cricket channels - all hell would break loose.


With Bafana preparing to play Mali in their final friendly tomorrow - and Keet ready to play after a lightning-quick trip home to see his new-born son Leighton - this story may linger. But I hope not. All it would take is a quick "sorry" and we could leave this all behind.


But to ignore it, to let it go, would be WRONG. Racism is NOT ACCEPTABLE. Especially on SABC1, our national broadcasters' flag-ship channel.


Or perhaps I'm wrong and I've been WRONG all my life. Perhaps it's acceptable. Perhaps racism is still okay in South Africa. You tell me, David Kekana.


I left South Africa in 1985 because I just couldn't stand Aparthate any more. I was a young sports writer appalled by what I came across every day working in Umlazi and KwaMashu. I abhor racism, I was arrested and had my telephone bugged for dating a black woman in Durban. I returned to this country in 2010 to cover the World Cup... and came back to look after my elderly father... and because I thought we'd moved beyond the crude divide-and-rule politics of the Boer.


I didn't raise this topic, ordinary South Africans did, the minute they saw you say it. Ask them what you should do, David. We are all South Africans. We are equal. Darren Keet. Even me.



If Kekana, whom I have only met briefly, has a problem with any of this, he has my telephone number. I'd love to hear a reasonable response.

Three bites and you're OUT: Why Luis Suarez CANNOT be allowed to continue in this World Cup

All bite on the night: Chiellini and Suarez

THE WORLD CUP faces perhaps the greatest test in its history this week when they address the problem of Luis Suarez and his prominent teeth.

Uruguay's enormously talented striker - scorer of both goals in their epic 2-1 win over England - stands accused of a THIRD incident of biting an opponent during his nation's 1-0 win over Italy last night.

When I say "accused" the pictures are damning – and hugely damaging to the game. As I said last night after the incident, Italy weren't just beaten, they were well bitten. Afterwards the "victim" Giorgio Chiellini was rightly aggrieved, exhibiting clear tooth-marks in his left shoulder.

The whole tooth: Suarez reacts after biting incident

The 29-year-old Juventus defender said: “Suarez is a sneak and he gets away with it because FIFA want their stars to play in the World Cup. I’d love to see if

they have the courage to use video evidence against him.

“The referee saw the bite mark, too, but he did nothing about it.”

Though Uruguay are through to the knock-out stages after a result which saw Italian boss Cesare Prandelli resign, FIFA surely CANNOT allow Suarez to play any further part in the tournament.

The 27-year-old, top scorer with 31 goals in the Premier League last season and joint winner of the European golden boot with Cristiano Ronado, bravely fought back from knee surgery to play in Brazil after his deliberate hand-ball put Ghana out of the tournament in the 2010 quarter-finals.

Muzzled: a possible solution for Suarez

This was supposed to be an opportunity to wipe the slate clean, the emerge as a rival to global superstars like Argentina’s Lionel Messi and Brazilian four-goal hero Neymar.

Instead, Suarez poses the toughest disciplinary conundrum in the history of the game – any game. While controversial boxer Mike Tyson chewed Evander Holyfield's ear in 1997 and South African rugby Springbok Johan Le Roux bit New Zealand's Sean Fitzpatrick in 1994, Suarez is the first sportsman to stand accused of multiple episodes of, well, let’s call it “attempted cannibalism”.

The first came on 20 November 2010,  when Suárez – playing for Ajax Amsterdam - bit PSV's Otman Bakkal on the shoulder during a 0–0 draw.

Ajax suspended him for two games and fined him an undisclosed amount which the club said they would donate to a "good cause". The Dutch FA later increased the ban to seven games and Suarez was sold to Liverpool without playing another game.

The second bite occurred on 21 April 2013, in a 2–2 draw with Chelsea in a Premier League game at Anfield. Again, he clearly bit Branislav Ivanović on the shoulder. Despite Chelsea protests, Suarez stayed on the pitch and scored the injury-time equaliser.

He was banned for 10 matches with the FA – having already slapped an 8-match ban for racism on the Uruguayan in 2011 – insisting they wanted to send: "a strong message that such deplorable behaviours do not have a place in football".  

Evidence: teeth marks

Then, unbelievably, the THIRD incident last night saw Chiellini bitten in very similar circumstances. The bite marks were quite clear as the Italian ran to the ref to protest, but again, no action was taken and Uruguay went on to win 1-0 and qualify for the last 16.

The football-speaking world remains in shock this morning. The Suarez bite quite simply over-shadowed England’s worst-ever World Cup showing – their 0-0 draw with Costa Rica left them with one point to take home on their flight of shame – and a controversial injury-time penalty which saw Greece win 2-1 and oust the Ivory Coast.

Chiellini added: “The disparity in judgment has been evident. Claudio Marchisio’s sending-off (Italy were already down to 10 men) was ridiculous but more so the fact that Suarez wasn’t sent off.

“There’s the will to protect champions but the referee should have shown him a red card.”

FIFA have announced they will be looking in to the incident and have given Uruguay today to provide mitigation against Suarez’s impending punishment.

In theory, the World Cup disciplinary panel have the power to suspend Suarez for up to two years.

Worryingly, Uruguay are in denial. Their captain Diego Lugano said: "You couldn't have seen it because nothing happened. The worst of everything is the attitude of Chiellini. As a man, he disappointed me totally."

And team-mate Diego Forlan insisted: “I didn’t see anything,” while many fans in the stadium actually missed the incident, it happened so quickly.

But the pictures can leave no question. Uruguay will complain and claim persecution of their best player, one of the finest strikers in Europe over the past 12 months.

Judgement: How twitter views Suarez

To listen to them would be WRONG. Kids will be watching the images today and wondering: “Is it okay to bite an opposing player?” while admiring a man found guilty of racism and cheating.

Media pundit and former Wales international Robbie Savage said: "It is a disgrace. Suarez should never play international football again."

Former USA goalkeeper Brad Friedel agreed: "Still can't believe what I've seen again from Suarez...needs an ENORMOUS ban from football. THIRD time now!"

Suarez must be taught a lasting lesson this time. No football in the spotlight for a year at least. Anything less than ending the World Cup for one of its most talented strikers would be seen as cowardly. Let’s see what FIFA do.

SOCCERBALLZ! my innovative football show on www.ballz.co.za with Mark Fish airs every Thursday from 9am-11am. See Ballz' channel for our growing library of fascinating football interviews with the big names. Ballz will also provide daily World Cup updates from next week.

You can also follow me on www.twitter.com/nealcol for all the latest sports news and read my “Neal and Pray” column every Tuesday in www.thenewage.co.za.

Biting news: Luis Suarez: yes, he's hungry but can he EVER play for Liverpool again

This is the first tweet from Luis Suarez after yesterday's incident: "I'm sad for what happened this afternoon, I apologize Ivanovic and all football world for my inexcusable behaviour. I'm so sorry about it!!" But as you can see above, he's done it before. Here's what happened today...
 

The first point that needs to be made about Sunday’s unbelievable Luis Suarez biting incident is: he’s done it before. Like his infamous use of the hands in vital situations, he doesn’t seem to learn the lesson.

The second point? The 26-year-old CANNOT play for Liverpool again. Enough is enough. Prominent hands are one thing, prominent teeth are another. Ask Mike Tyson.

Playing for Ajax Amsterdam against Feyenoord in 2010, there is clear video evidence of the controversial Uruguayan biting the neck of Dutchman Otman Bakkal, a tasty misdemeanour which earned him a seven-match ban.

That first attempt at cannibalism came AFTER the infamous handball which devastated Ghana at the 2010 World Cup in South Africa but BEFORE his eight-game ban for racially abusing Manchester United defender Patrice Evra.

Since then, he has managed to get in to trouble for diving, using his hands, stamping and erm... scoring goals.

Just yesterday he needlessly handled to give away the penalty which gave Chelsea the lead seconds after the first goal and scored the last-gasp second in a pulsating 2-2 draw at Anfield – but only because ref Kevin Friend ignored those Branislav Ivanovic tooth marks, despite the Serbian defenders’ animated complaints.

The question is, can Suarez play again after yesterday's incident, which echoed around the football-speaking world? Clearly, Liverpool are worried. The Football Association will charge him (violent conduct or vampirism), with one eye on the career-changing seven-match suspension for the first incident in Holland.

After that, he never played in the Ere Divisie again. He moved to Liverpool. On Sunday night, Suarez said: "I have tried to contact Branislav Ivanovic to speak to him personally. I apologise also to my manager, playing colleagues and everyone at Liverpool for letting them down."

His long-suffering Liverpool coach Brendan Rodgers said: "Having reviewed the video footage and spoken to Luis, his behaviour is unacceptable and I have made him aware of this."

More conclusive is this from Ian Ayre, Liverpool’s managing director, who cancelled a Reds-promoting trip to Australia as Suarez’s arm-chewing went global.

Ayre said: "His conduct is not befitting of a Liverpool player. Luis is aware that he has let himself and everyone associated with the club down. We will deal with the matter internally and await any action from the Football Association."

Tellingly, Rodgers said in his post-match interview: "This is a club with incredible values and ethics. There's certainly no-one bigger than this club, a player or a manager. You think a player can’t be released then another one comes along.

"As football managers, staff and players, we're representing this club, off the field and in particular on the field."

Former Liverpool and England midfielder Jamie Redknapp, trying to explain the remarkable scenes on Sky in England, said: “There is that madness-genius gene in him because as a player he’s exceptional, with people talking about him being player of the year, but what he did today, is indefensible.

“Even the staunchest Liverpool supporters cannot look at that and think that’s okay. Why on earth would you want to take a chunk out of someone when you are on a football field? That is an absolutely incredible act of brutality. It’s madness.”

Former player and coach Graeme Souness growled: "He has to be in the last-chance saloon as a Liverpool player."

There is another awkward debate about to dawn too. Suarez, who scored his 30^th goal of the season six-minutes in to injury-time yesterday, has been named on the PFA Player of the Year shortlist.

PFA chairman Gordon Taylor, one of the world’s richest union leaders, said: "It is very depressing and embarrassing that it should happen. If it wasn't for all the controversies he's been involved in he would be a more highly regarded player.

"Players are role models and are highly rewarded. This sets such a bad example. We cannot exclude him from our awards but this is embarrassing."

You can hear me discussing Suarez's hunger on eTV Sunrise (DSTV 194) at 7.15am and eNCAnews (DSTV 403) at 8.15am. A version of this story will appear in The New Age newspaper on Tuesday morning.

Explained: The classic British choc-ice... and classic British justice: how John Terry verdict is tearing football apart

At odds: Ashley Cole and Rio Ferdinand

After global fury over John Terry's "not guilty" verdict on Friday, English football is threatening to dissolve in to civil war over racism.
The Terry camp, cockahoop after magistrate Howard Riddle decided the words "f***ing black *c**t" were not insulting, now insist Rio Ferdinand is a racist for agreeing that Ashley Cole is a "choc-ice".

Manchester United star Rio, brother of Terry's victim Anton, insists he was simply being "sarcastic" but Chelsea left-back Cole's lawyers have now produced a statement on their client's behalf.
Cole acted as a "corroborative but not compelling" defence witness for pal Terry according to Riddle's bizarre judgement on Friday.

A "choc ice" is a popular ice-cream in England which is, of course "brown on the outside, cold and white inside".

Rio, who has over three MILLION followers on Twitter, received this tweet: "Looks like Ashley Cole's going to be their choc-ice. Then again he's always been a sell out. Shame on him." 

To which Ferdinand responded: "I hear you fella! Choc ice is classic! hahahahahahha!!"
Rio added: "And if I want to laugh at something someone tweets....I will! Hahahahaha! Now stop getting ya knickers in a twist!"

As the storm grew, Rio tweeted an explanation yesterday saying: "What I said yesterday is not a racist term. Its a type of slang/term used by many for someone who is being fake. So there." 

In South Africa, where incredulity over Friday's judgement may lead to a boycott of watching the popular English Premier League, sympathy is generally with Rio who arrives on tour with United this week for friendlies in Durban and Cape Town.

My appearances on eNews, SupersportBlitz and radio stations 702 and Cape Talk on Friday night rubbishing Riddle's judgement appeared to suggest huge anger against Terry and the British justice system on the local social networks.

Ironically, Rio, Cole and Terry have frequently made up three of England's back-four in recent years but sympathy for Terry - and Cole - is hard to find outside of Chelsea circles.

Cole's lawyers said: "Ashley Cole has been made aware of the discussion following comments appearing on Twitter and wishes to make it clear that he and Rio Ferdinand are good friends and Ashley has no intention of making any sort of complaint. Ashley appreciates that tweeting is so quick it often results in off-hand and stray comments."

Cole has yet to comment on Ferdinand's latest tweet.
Terry - and Anton Ferdinand, who admitted to taunting his rival over past affairs - will now face Football Association charges as I suggested on Friday.
Given that Liverpool's Luis Suarez was banned for eight games and fined £40,000 (R480,000) with far less evidence, the FA are now compelled to punish Terry for words which were clearly uttered on YouTube footage when Chelsea played QPR last October.

Unlike a criminal case, the FA have to prove Terry guilty on "a balance of probabilities" not "beyond reasonable doubt".

Herman Ouseley, chair of the anti-racism group Kick It Out, told the Observer in England yesterday: "I am worried that this is a defining moment for the FA, to show it is a governing body prepared to keep to a high standard on the racism issue.

"If this incident, and the racial element of it, is not seen to be dealt with properly, there is the potential for black players to lose confidence in the authorities and withdraw their support for anti-racism campaigns."

Why the missus didn't get a look-in this weekend... and there's more to come

Court case to come: John Terry and Anton Ferdinand

SOME weekend for sports fans. Maria Sharapova wore a nice strappy frock and won the French Open. The television ratings always rise for the Russian beauty, along with many male members.
The much-hyped mens final between Novak Djokovic and Rafa Nadal will resume tomorrow afternoon due to rain with Djokovic attempting a comeback after losing the first two sets 6-4 6-3 2-6 1-2.
On the rugby pitch, England were clearly robbed 22-17 by Heyneke Meyer's uncertain Springbulls in Durban, where Kiwi referee Steve Walsh is due to be replaced by South African public enemy number one, Bryce Lawrence for the rest of the series (he said hopefully), New Zealand trounced Ireland, Australia were too much for Wales. Same old, same old.
The Canadian Grand Prix saw a SEVENTH different winner in as many F1 races this season as Lewis Hamilton used his fresh tyres to slip past double champions Sebastien Vettel and Fernando Alonso.
In Las Vegas early on Sunday morning, Manny Pacquiao lost his WBO welterweight title to Timothy Bradley after a highly controversial split points decision. There will doubtless be a rematch, otherwise somebody is going to have to take on Floyd Mayweather when he comes out of jail.
But all this is mere window-dressing on a weekend of footballing humdingers.
In Gaborone, South Africa's new caretaker coach Steve Komphela came in, changed nothing and, unsurprisingly, produced Bafana Bafana's 1,356th successive draw. Apparently this has to do with muti and unpaid songomas rather than Komphela's bizarre decision to stick with the men who curtailed Pitso Mosimane's international coaching career when they drew with Ethiopia. Phokeng hell. And that was just the headline.
With Gordon Igesund leading the hastily assemble SAFA shortlist ahead of Gavin Hunt, Neil Tovey, people's choice Shakes Mashaba and the now-unpopular Komphela, perhaps I should offer this: for many nations, two draws in two World Cup qualifiers is considered something of a coup. In Africa, where coups are common, we should consider a group containing the Central African Republic, Botswana and Ethiopia - who beat CAR 2-0 yesterday to top the group - a free air-ticket to Brazil in 2014.
One unkind Botswanan suggested South Africa, home of AFCON 2013 after Libya shot their president and pulled out, are adopting the "if you can't beat them, host them" philosophy.
This is unfair. South Africa, providing they don't panic and appoint a Serbian to lead the nation, will top their group. After that, with play-offs to decide the meagre five-strong African contingent in Brazil, it's a lottery.
And so to the European Racism Championship. Poland and the Ukraine have done their best to present their fascist face to the world, and when Holland's black players were subjected to racist chanting in their first public appearance, we suddenly realised Sol Campbell's Panorama investigation was more than a hatchet job.
Still, the shows goes on. After two nights of action, no games have been called off, no players have stormed off. Missiles were thrown during Portugal v Germany, but hey, they were hardly intercontinental or ballistic. This is, after all, the battle for Europe, not the world.
At SuperSport headquarters, or more precisely in the roofed garden behind Studio 6 in their Oak Avenue complex, I spent yesterday with the great and the good in the first of our weekly EuroZone series (every Saturday at 4pm, don't miss it, next week it won't start just as Botswana equalise).
The grand old man of football Terry Paine was there. He's been commentating on South African football since Sepp Blatter was a lad. Get him talking about Southampton's promotion to the English Premier League this season, and he's a laugh a minute. In great shape for a man of 73, he brightens visibly when talking about his 50-year-old column in the Southampton Evening Echo. Apparently Southampton - where he still holds the record for club appearances - invited him over to hand out the trophies after their epic rags-to-riches promotion season.
Then there's John Barnes, also part of the SuperSport crew for this Euro2012. He turned up two days late after being told halfway to Johannesburg that he needed a new passport. Barnesie is a great character. He may have missed the 12-minute Opening Ceremony in Warsaw flying backwards and forwards but he told me this joke: "Breaking news: There were incidents of monkey chanting during England's training sesson at Euro2012 yesterday, John Terry has been warned if he doesn't stop, he'll be on the next flight home."
On the more serious allegation that Rio Ferdinand has been omitted from Roy Hodgson's squad because of John Terry's impending court case over racially abusing Rio's brother Anton at QPR, Barnes says: "You have to respect Roy Hodgson's decision. When I said that in England, everyone accused me of supporting Terry. But I wasn't. I just said respect the coach. Personally, I think Rio is England's best centre-back. He should be there."
Terry Paine insists: "The FA have got involved here. They've told Hodgson not to pick Rio. Simple as that."
Also present? Bradley Carnell, who spent 12 years as a professional in Germany, lovely bloke, tells a good tale. The mad Italian Stefano Vigoriti, the knowedgeable Spaniard Ricard Fernandez and of course the beautiful presenters, Carol Tshabalala and Thomas Mlambo.
We get an hour on SuperSport3 every Saturday at 4pm. Might be worth watching.
The football certainly is. Plenty of incident in the opener, where hosts Poland were held 1-1 by Greece with two red cards and a sub-standard Spanish referee. Then the Russians, tipped by both yours truly and Ruud Krol (I had a quick chat with the former Orlando Pirates treble-winner before make-up) crushed the Czech Republic 4-1.
Krol was ushered out in a state of some distress after Holland's shock 1-0 defeat against unfancied Denmark tonight but I can console him with the news that Robin van Persie's boots have been found in Fernando Torres's blue-and-red kit bag.
After that, Cristiano Ronaldo and 10 other blokes in red tried to Germanate Joachim Loew's tournament favourites. Sadly, Mario Gomes scored after 70 minutes and CR7 had no reply. While all that was going on, Lionel Messi scored a hat-trick in Argentina's 4-3 win over rivals Brazil (fielding their Olympic squad in New Jersey, USA) to help us remember Euro2012 is NOT the World Cup. Many described it as the game of the year.
Today World and European Champions Spain were expected to crush an Italian side floored by match-fixing investigations. It ended 1-1. Mario Balotelli didn't wear his Ghanaian surname Barwuah on his shirt, Fernando Torres missed a couple. Habitual scorer Di Natale came on for Balotelli and scored with his first touch for Italy. Cesc Fabregas, the former Gunner now with Barcelona, replied within three minutes for a Spanish side which started without a striker. Spain held 1-1? They lost to Switzerland 2-1 in their WC2010 opener and went on to win it.
Croatia then crushed the Republic of Ireland, much to the chagrin of my late Irish bastard great-grand-dad Collins with Luka Modric writing his CV for that move to Manchester United.
Monday sees England take a pounding from Laurent Blanc's rebuilt France, unbeaten in 21 games, while Sweden versus the Ukraine is anybody's guess. I've got eNews at 8.15am in the morning, my New Age column to write, then my debut on Ballz Radio at 3pm.
The action just doesn't stop. But consider this. South Africa's cricketers go to England next week. There are two more rugby Tests between the nations to come. And then the Olympics in London. Stay tuned. And warn the wife.

Don't panic: Sir Alex Ferguson goes all Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on us

IN many of the less relaxed football clubs on the Inner Rim of the Footballing Galaxy, Sir Alex Ferguson has already supplanted the great Sir Alf Ramsey as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for he scores over the older, more pedestrian (and now dead) manager in two important respects.
First, Sir Alex is Scottish; and secondly he now has the words DON’T PANIC inscribed in large friendly letters on his forehead.
After earth-shaking Festive season defeats against rock-bottom Blackburn Rovers (3-2) and Newcastle United (3-0), the Manchester United boss goes in to today’s FA Cup third round clash against neighbours City with the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy mantra firmly in mind.
Sir Alex, who turned 70 on December 31, said: “We have the experience to cope, we need to get the show on the road.
”It’s not a time for panic. Losing a game at this time of the year can sometimes happen.”
The Scot, not averse to the odd Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster (the effect is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick, according to the Guide), is only too aware of Roberto Mancini’s last outing: a universally acclaimed 3-0 win over Liverpool on Tuesday.
He said: ”Advantage to them, of course.”
Sir Alex, who could do with a towel (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on the subject of towels. A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitch hiker can have. Partly it has great practical value — you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble‐sanded beaches of Santraginus Ⅴ, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand‐to‐hand‐combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal - a mindbogglingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you, daft as a bush like Joey Barton, but ravenous; you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough, but that's enough about towels) and a few goals from returning Boxing Day Gargle Blaster Wayne Rooney at The Etihad Stadium on Sunday (live on SuperSports 3, 5pm South African time) adds a few words for arch-rivals Liverpool, who rank alongside Vogon Constructor Fleets in Mancunian affections.
Under pressure to ease tensions over the racist abused heaped on United full back Patrice Evra by Uruguayan Luis Suarez, Sir Alex growled: “It is nice of Liverpool to call for peace talks through the press. You would have thought they would come to Manchester United first.
”I do not see why there is any need for it. I have nothing to say about it.”
Suarez has been banned for eight games after using the N-word nine times and telling Evra “I’m Spanish I don’t speak to blacks”.
Ironically, his return from suspension is likely to fall at Old Trafford on February 11 where the Uruguayan will be about as welcome as an appearance from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.
As for reports of Chelsea's unhappy Frank Lampard moving to Old Trafford, you might have well as suggested Zaphod Beeblebrox was planning a move to Manchester. Sir Alex grunted: "Do you really believe that? There is no foundation to it. We won't get the players that we would like. What can you get in January? What do you do? Do you take a second-rate player? No, of course you don't."
So if not Lamps, then what exactly IS the answer for gloomy United as the transfer window opens? That's easy. 42.
For this and more stories like it, read South Africa's new Sunday tabloid SCOOP! this Sunday, available from all good newsagents, supermarkets and street vendors. See www.scoopnews.co.za.

Terry race row escalates as Ferdinand receives "graphic" death threat and Capello is told to stay silent

The John Terry race row saga has escalated still further with the news that victim Anton Ferdinand has received an “extremely graphic” death threat and England boss Fabio Capello has been warned NOT to talk about the case by the Met Police in London.

With the Spain friendly looming at Wembley on Saturday – England have enjoyed crushing the world champions at what they like to call the home of football – Capello opted to pick Terry in his squad last night.

But the Italian “generalissimo” opted to axe Wayne Rooney – who will be suspended for the first three games of Euro 2012 next year – and, ironically, Anton’s brother Rio.

Should the FA and the Met Police decide Terry is guilty of calling QPR’s Anton “a f***ing black c***” – and from what I saw on YouTube before the Premier League removed the footage, he certainly did – Terry will surely be withdrawn from the game.

The FA have run a “Kick It Out” campaign against racism for the past six years and it appears to be working with monkey chants and banana throwing reduced to a tiny minority of moronic fans. From the days of the early 80s when black players were targeted, English football has moved to a more civilised level where black players are barely accused of anything other than blinding talent.

The thought of Terry playing in a prestige friendly at Wembley against the 2010 FIFA world champions is simply not acceptable after his regrettable outburst – and the way he attempted to wriggle out of the situation by getting Ashley Cole to enter the QPR dressing room on October 23, where the Chelsea captain assured Rio’s little brother: “We’re all okay, right?”

Terry then tried to explain his outburst was in response to Ferdinand accusing him of calling him a “fbc”... but Anton has since emerged to insist he did no such thing. The first Anton heard of the racist remark was when friends directed him to the YouTube footage. Ferdinand has since reported his side of the story to the FA and the Met Police have stepped in after a complaint from a member of the public.

But that is not the end of the matter. Chelsea fans in Genk, Belgium last week chanted further racist drivel against Anton and today the Sun and the Daily Telegraph in England reveal an “extremely graphic” death threat delivered by hand to QPR’s Acton training ground last Friday.

Police say Anton, 26, and “members of his close family” must now fit a panic alarms at their homes along with further “immediate precautionary measures”.

The Met are trying to track down the “sicko” who sent the death threat – club officials decided Anton himself should not read the contents.

In a further development – which I also revealed in my regular Monday morning slot on eNews in South Africa yesterday morning – England boss Fabio Capello has been instructed not to comment on the row.

On Saturday, Capello told the Sunday newspapers: “In my experience I have never seen, never heard and never found racism problems in England football. Racist problems between the players do not exist."

But Capello now appears to have been silenced – and the police have also urged Liverpool and Manchester United not to answer questions on the scandalous use of the n-word by Uruguayan Luis Suarez against Patrice Evra a week before the Loftus Road incident.

Amid a growing call to punish racism in sport – particularly after Tiger Woods’ ex-caddie Steve Williams was revealed to have used the words “black arsehole” against the golfer who earned him millions – Terry is likely to be withdrawn from the Spanish inquisition.

But reports suggest the 30-year-old from Barking, no stranger to controversy, will be recalled from the subsequent friendly against Sweden four days later. Terry's team-mate Frank Lampard looks likely to take the captain's armband against Spain - with memories of previous friendlies against the Iberians spoiled by racial chants.