A tale of two derbies: Manchester and Soweto send their mighty table-toppers out to grass

Give a little whistle: Referee Robert Smith and Pirate Andile Jali

MANCHESTER and Soweto. Two football-mad communities 5,773 miles or 9 288km apart. At first glance they have just presented us with a pair of dazzling derbies, pitting two of the biggest clubs in their respective nations against each other.

Take One: At Soccer City on Saturday, in front of 90,000, champions Orlando Pirates took on the nation’s most popular club, Kaizer Chiefs, trailing their Soweto rivals by three points in the South African PSL.

Take Two: At the Etihad Stadium on Sunday, in front of 60,000, champions City  took on the nation’s most popular club, United, trailing their Manchester rivals by three points in the English Premier League.

We could go on and on about the similarities. Both were games of two halves. Pirates dominated the first half of the Soweto derby, Chiefs the second as they came back to draw 1-1.

United dominated the first half of the Manchester derby, City the second as they came back from 2-0 down to 2-2.

Both referees were roundly condemned for a series of bizarre decisions. Both Manchester United’s Ashley Young and Orlando Pirates’ Collins Mbesuma had goals disallowed for off-side decisions that were to prove entirely spurious.

But then we come to the vital difference, the essential factor. In Manchester, both sides were looking for a winner until the final gasp of derby-drenched air. In Soweto, once Lehlohonolo Majoro had equalised Mbesuma’s opener, Kaizer Chiefs boss Stuart Baxter simply shut up shop, he was happy with a point.

Had substitute Benni McCarthy’s late volley roared in to the top of the net rather than just over the bar, it would have been a game to savour. Instead, with the nation and ESPN Star Sport’s international millions watching, we had to wait for never-say-die Platinum Stars to register an astonishing 6-4 over Golden Arrows to boast about the prolific goal-scoring of the PSL. And by then the international audience was gone, not to mention the domestic viewers, forced to endure AmaTuks 1, Chippa United 0.

In Manchester, Roberto Mancini, having dragged off the eternally angry Mario Balotelli, had thrown Carlos Tevez in to the fray (why he started with the Italian instead of the Argentinian we shall never know), much as Roger de Sa turned to McCarthy. It worked as City came back from the two first half Wayne Rooney goals to level through Yaya Toure and Pablo Zabaleta with seven minutes remaining.

But through it all, we had ignored the single most important factor on the pitch. The presence of former Arsenal top-scorer Robin van Persie. When all seemed lost for United, Sir Alex Ferguson got up and gave us a septuagenarian version of Gangnam Style when Robin’s free-kick went in off cowering former Gunner team-mate Samir Nasri in the last minute.

It all went haywire after that, with Rio Ferdinand cut above the eye by a coin-throwing home fan – we all know Manchester City tend to throw money at their problems these days – and police stepped in to arrest the villain plus a pitch invader and a racist chanter as the derby came to a drama-soaked conclusion.

Sir Alex Ferguson summed it up pretty well afterwards, as he generally does: “It was a fantastic game; you couldn’t take your eyes off it.”

And that’s the point. Sure, Martin Atkinson in Manchester and Robert Smith in Soweto will be scrutinised for some dodgy decisions. The top of the table battles will be picked apart. All four coaches know the race is far from run. But the truth is, too many South African games don’t go down to the wire, the last drip of perspiration.

I felt last season that both Serbian Vladimir Vermezovic at Kaizer Chiefs and Brazilian Julio Leal at Orlando Pirates tended to treat games as “don’t lose” rather than “must win” situations. This season the surprising Baxter and his counterpart De Sa have been a lot more positive.

But what the PSL and their global audience needed on Saturday was a stirring final 20 minutes of “win or bust” from both coaches, throwing everything forward to clinch a vital three points against their closest and biggest rivals.

Instead, the experienced match-winner McCarthy aside, we had two teams scared to disappoint. It’s understandable. But it takes the edge of what could be the best league in Africa.

Sure, Katlego Mphela’s miracle Pitso Mosimane cure (apparently he was suffering from a sore Kneeskens) is worth debating after his comeback goal for Sundowns against Leopards. And we should talk about my beloved AmaZulu picking up a surprise point against Wits.

But it truth my plea is this: Go for glory with gusto. Like Everton did on Sunday against Spurs. Steven Pienaar got one of their two last-gasp goals in a 2-1 triumph when everything looked lost against his former club. According to the British Express over the weekend, Schillo is still mulling over a return to the Bafana Bafana ranks for AFCON 2013 next month.

But that’s a story for next week. This week’s lesson is: it’s never over until big Benni sings.

Cheeky monkey: Mark Clattenburg finally gets his whistle back tomorrow night

Black mark: Clattenburg and Mikel

MARK CLATTENBURG will return to refereeing tomorrow night for the first time since his outrageous exhibition of wayward whistling at Stamford Bridge on October 28.

But while the 37-year-old from Newcastle goes back to work, Chelsea’s Nigeria international John Obi Mikel faces a charge of misconduct from the English Football Association, with the outcome expected later this week.

Though Chelsea have yet to recover from Clattenburg’s machinations nearly a month ago, the referee in question was the fourth official at White Hart Lane for Tottenham’s win over West Ham on Sunday.

And Clattenburg will be in possession of the whistle for the first time when Norwich travel to Southampton tomorrow night. It is unlikely he will use the word “monkey” at any point.

The FA’s official website says simply: "Chelsea’s John Obi Mikel has been charged by The FA for an alleged breach of FA Rule E3 in relation to his side’s game against Manchester United on 28 October 2012.

"It is alleged that in or around the Match Officials’ changing room at the end of the fixture, Mikel used threatening and/or abusive and/or insulting words and/or behaviour.”

Mikel has not denied the charge – in fact, he wants a personal hearing to explain the circumstances surrounding the matter. He has until Friday to do that. Why does he want a hearing? Because he feels aggrieved. He feels he was right. He heard the racist word “monkey” used by the referee.

I believe Mikel heard Clattenburg used the classic Geordie expression “cheeky monkey” though some suggest he said “I don’t give a monkey’s” during the match.

And several sources report Clattenburg calling Juan Mata “Spanish twat” when things became heated late in the game.

Those expressions sound worse in isolation than they do in print. “Cheeky monkey” is by no means a racist insult, it is generally used affectionately towards children in Britain, though few would dream of using those words where a Nigerian midfield enforcer is concerned.

As for “I don’t give a monkey’s”, that’s a post-war phrase meaning “I couldn’t care less” which has largely fallen into disuse south of the Tyne.

“Spanish twat” is probably the worst of the allegations, though it would be difficult to accuse Clattenburg of racism over that particular nationalistic outburst, all part of his chatty refereeing style.

So Clattenburg has been “cleared of any wrongdoing”. The FA say: "We have concluded the investigation into alleged misconduct by Mark Clattenburg during the match between Chelsea FC and Manchester United FC on Sunday 28 October 2012. No disciplinary action will follow against Mr Clattenburg.”

But how is it that Clattenburg, a referee who has a history of bad debt, bad tempered emails and bad decisions, escaped unpunished from what Chelsea clearly believe was a clear case of abuse against TWO of their players – Mikel and Mata? To the point where chairman Bruce Buck has apologised in person and compensation may have to be paid?

After all, Chelsea have yet to recover from the events of that fateful last-gasp 3-2 defeat against Manchester United. They haven’t won a game since, they’ve crashed off the top of the Premier League and out of the Champions League.

And to cap it all, miraculous European conqueror Roberto di Matteo has been sacked as coach in the aftermath, replaced amid loud boos by unloved former Liverpool boss Rafa Benitez.

Clattenburg sent off two Blues – Branislav Ivanovic and, more controversially for diving, Fernando Torres – and awarded United an off-side winner before finding himself confronted by the usually phlegmatic Buck and several others in his dressing room after the match, where the accusations of abuse flew.

Initially, Chelsea wanted action taken against Clattenburg for verbally abusing both Mata and Mikel, but on October 31, they chose to pursue the matter on behalf of Mikel alone.

The FA statement on that read: "On Wednesday 31 October Chelsea FC contacted The FA and confirmed that the club had conducted an internal enquiry and that they did wish to proceed with a formal complaint in relation to one of the allegations of abuse. The club did not wish to proceed in relation to the other allegation. The club provided witness statements from two players, Ramires Santos do Nascimento (“Ramires”) and John Obi Mikel.”

Ramires and Mikel were interviewed by The FA on November 5 where the FA also used video footage of the match. Chelsea provided "unbroadcast television coverage of the game from static cameras" which The FA showed Ramires when he was re-interviewed on November 15.

The FA also revealed that its findings showed that Ramires' first language is not English and that Mikel "was much closer to the referee than Ramires and did not hear what it is suggested was said to him."

The three other match officials, who were also witnesses in the case, said Clattenburg did not utter the "alleged words" via their communication gadgets. But would Mikel and Mata have reported the words if they hand’t been uttered? I doubt it.

Though Sir Alex Ferguson leapt to Clattenburg’s defence – insisting with absolutely no basis that Clattenburg would “never do that” – there can be no question a display of very poor refereeing was punctuated by very poorly chosen words.

But the FA appear to feel that doesn’t matter. Punishing Mikel for his righteous indignation does. Do 

they give a monkey’s?

Clattenburg's clangers: Still trying to verify veracity of this picture!

United we stand: I suspect this is a dodgy picture

A REFFING DISGRACE. There is no other way to describe a weekend of enthralling – but highly controversial – action in the English Premier Division.

In two days of screaming injustice, the so-called greatest football league in the world contrived to produce THREE questionable results thanks to the whistle-while-you-work brigade.

At Arsenal, Mikel Arteta’s scrambled winner over QPR was shown to be off-side when the Spaniard hit the bar with a header before ramming the ball over the line on the rebound.

At Everton, Liverpool were denied a clear last-minute Merseyside Derby winner when the unloved Luiz Suarez was robbed of a last-minute hat-trick and a 3-2 win.

And most infamously of all, there were two incidents at Stamford Bridge which suggest the top-of-the-table clash between Chelsea and Manchester United was radically altered by a man in black called Mark Clattenburg.

This morning Clattenburg, the man chosen to referee the Olympic final between Brazil and Mexico at Wembley a month ago, stands accused of abusing two Chelsea players, one of them racially.

Before that the 37-year-old from Newcastle had sent off two Chelsea players with the match evenly balanced at 2-2, the Blues staging a remarkable comeback after United had taken an early 2-0 lead.

The first sending off of Branislav Ivanovic was fair enough but the second – a second yellow for Fernando Torres “simulating” after being clearly fouled by Johnny Evans – was simply ridiculous. And though the referee can always blame his assistant, Javier Hernandez’s winner was certainly off-side too.

Remember, Clattenburg is the guy who was told he would never referee again in January 2009 after “breaching his contract” and sending threatening emails to business associates  over debts of £175,000 (R2million).

A few months later Clattenburg was at it again, sending off Craig Bellamy and telling the Manchester City bench at Bolton: “How do you work with him all week?”

In 2010, Clattenburg was the referee who controversially allowed Manchester United’s Portuguese star Nani to score when Tottenham goalkeeper Heurelho Gomes had placed the ball for a “ghost” free-kick.

Now Chelsea are claiming Clattenburg called Juan Mata, scorer of a wonderful free-kick on Sunday, “a Spanish twat” when he was cautioned in the 76^th minute.

Chief executive Ron Gourlay, with Mikel and manager Roberto Di Matteo, demanded an apology after the game but Clattenburg refused and Chelsea released a statement yesterday saying: “We have lodged a complaint with regards to inappropriate language used by the referee and directed at two of our players in two separate incidents.”

For all Clattenburg’s past we can make no real allegations of bribery or match-fixing. As Sir Alex Ferguson said afterwards: “The boy was touched and he made a meal of it. He could have carried on and scored. But the winner was off-side, we had a bit of luck there.”

With previously unbeaten Chelsea boss Roberto di Matteo complaining “all the decisions went United’s way”, the usual accusations against United began. Are they justified? Well, yes, if you consider how many penalties and red cards go the way of the ageless old Scotsman Ferguson.

It’s not corruption, it’s just the Fergie way. Officiate poorly in Sir Alex’s eyes and you’ll never referee a big game again – and you can expect a dressing-room visit not to mention a satanic choir of complaing Red Devils.

Referees like Howard Webb have long been accused of being on a United contract, but the truth is they are just scared to offend the 70-year-old who has been in charge for 26 highly-successful years.

What the weekend’s injustices demand is not an investigation in to United but a review system for football. Both codes of rugby, all forms of cricket and Grand Slam tennis use various replay systems, and as I 

suggested on eNews yesterday, football has to follow suit.

Give the referee a 30-second time-out to ask the television official if an incident is as it looked, let him make 

a considered decision with replay evidence. Most top-flight matches go in to six or seven minutes of added time anyway, surely the game has time for a quick break to avoid catastrophic refereeing errors?

If FIFA and the FA continue to ignore such demands, the questions around United will never be answered.

Why Liverpool finally apologised over Suarez and the non-handshake

SO exactly why did Liverpool’s Luis Suarez and his boss Kenny Dalglish apologise a day after the Uruguayan had appeared unrepentant over the storm of outrage they sparked across the football-speaking world?

Why, after an eight-match, unappealed ban for racist abuse, did Suarez suddenly appear contrite after refusing to shake hands with the wronged Patrick Evra during Manchester United's 2-1 win on Saturday?

While United boss Sir Alex Ferguson raged "Suarez could have caused a riot" and insisted "he should never play for Liverpool again”, Dalglish told us on Saturday: “I think you are bang out of order to blame Luis Suárez for whatever happened today.”

But by Sunday, Suarez and Dalglish were grovelling on the official Liverpool FC website. Dalglish, who has just one black face in his current first team squad, even went as far as saying: “I did not conduct myself in a way befitting of a Liverpool manager during that interview and I'd like to apologise for that.”

According to the Daily Telegraph it was a scathing article from English football writer Rob Hughes for  the New York Times which provoked an immediate reaction from Liverpool's owners, the Fenway Sports Group, to act before their club's reputation was seriously damaged by the actions of one ignorant Uruguayan and an old-fashioned Scottish manager.

The NY Times and Fenway have major financial links, the company was formed when they teamed up with Liverpool owner John W Henry to buy the Boston Red Sox in the US. Once they became involved, both Suarez and Dalglish were left with no alternative but to apologise.

Remember, Henry and Fenway chairman Tom Werner had already flown over to Liverpool when the Suarez storm first broke. They held a series of meetings at Anfield and met with Premier League chief executive Richard Scudamore in an attempt to ease the tensions caused by Suarez, Dalglish and his unrepentant team who wore t-shirts supporting the Uruguayan despite his conviction by the FA.

The three-pronged apology on the official Liverpool website went way beyond the usual level on these issues. There was nothing half-hearted about it.

As the BBC’s ex-Liverpool talkshow host Stan Collymore, himself the subject of huge abuse over the Suarez saga on twitter, tweeted: “Liverpool Football Club have now pulled the rug from under any idiot who looked for Suarez excuse on the handshake. Well done LFC.”

Both Collymore and the Telegraph claim it was after reading the story below that John W Henry made the call that defused the whole situation, prompting Suarez to say: “I have spoken with the Manager since the game at Old Trafford and I realise I got things wrong. I've not only let him down, but also the Club and what it stands for and I'm sorry. I made a mistake and I regret what happened.

"I should have shaken Patrice Evra's hand before the game and I want to apologise for my actions. I would like to put this whole issue behind me and concentrate on playing football."

The suddenly-contrite Dalglish added: "It is right that Luis Suarez has now apologised for what happened at Old Trafford. To be honest, I was shocked to hear that the player had not shaken hands having been told earlier in the week that he would do.

"All of us have a responsibility to represent this club in a fit and proper manner and that applies equally to me as Liverpool manager.

"When I went on TV after yesterday's game I hadn't seen what had happened, but I did not conduct myself in a way befitting of a Liverpool manager during that interview and I'd like to apologise for that."

And Liverpool’s managing director Ian Ayres said: “We are extremely disappointed Luis Suarez did not shake hands with Patrice Evra before yesterday's game. The player had told us beforehand that he would, but then chose not to do so.

"He was wrong to mislead us and wrong not to offer his hand to Patrice Evra. He has not only let himself down, but also Kenny Dalglish, his team-mates and the Club. It has been made absolutely clear to Luis Suarez that his behaviour was not acceptable.

"Luis Suarez has now apologised for his actions which was the right thing to do. However, all of us have a duty to behave in a responsible manner and we hope that he now understands what is expected of anyone representing Liverpool Football Club."

Here’s what Hughes reported: If the Fenway Sports Group is to be the responsible team owner in soccer that it has proved to be in baseball, it needs to get hold of Liverpool, its club in England’s Premier League, and repair its global image fast.

On Saturday, Liverpool lost at Manchester United, 2-1, allowing United to temporarily move into first place in the Premier League. There is no disgrace in such a loss; United, the defending English champion, is vying to keep that title this season, and it very rarely loses at home.

Another ugly incident mars Liverpool's good name, New York Times

But there was disgrace, witnessed by television viewers around the world, in the refusal of Liverpool’s Luis Suárez to shake the hand of United’s Patrice Evra before kickoff.

The hand might not always be offered with sincerity. It might often be less than the noble sign of pregame respect between opponents that Fifa would like to have us believe it is. But in this case it was important to show a global audience that Suárez and Evra were man enough to touch palms and bury the enmity between them.

This was the first time that Suárez had started a game since he was barred for eight matches for repeatedly calling Evra racist names when they competed against each other last October. Suárez claimed that the words he uttered, as used in his Uruguayan hometown, were not racist but could be affectionate. Evra, who is black and French, but understands Spanish well, said he was deeply offended.

Both players are feisty, provocative, volatile characters, as their records for their clubs, and their national teams, have long shown. Evra led the French team that mutinied against its coach and refused to train during the 2010 World Cup. Suárez was the player who made no apology for deliberately handling the ball that led to Ghana’s elimination from that tournament, and he was purchased by Liverpool after he was suspended in the Dutch league for biting an opponent.

It would seem that each of them would wish to show that, for the sake of their team if not their own reputation, they could abide by the rules and rituals of the game that makes their fortune.

Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson began the week by publicly asking his players to rise above any bitter feelings they had and display sportsmanship on the field. He said he spoke with Evra on Saturday morning.

“Patrice and I had a chat,” Ferguson said, “and he said: ‘I’m going to shake his hand. I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. I want to keep my dignity.’ ” When the moment arrived, it was beyond Evra’s grasp.

Suárez shook hands with the referee, and then with the child who was United’s mascot for the day. He then stared at the ground, ignoring the hand extended by Evra and walking toward the next man in line, goalkeeper David de Gea.

Evra grabbed the arm of Suárez, who shrugged him off. De Gea seemed to try to ask Suárez to shake Evra’s hand, and he again refused. The next United player in line, Rio Ferdinand, then withdrew his hand as Suárez passed.

“After seeing what happened, I decided not to shake his hand,” Ferdinand said after the game. “I lost all respect for the guy.”

Ugly repercussions followed. The United crowd booed Suárez, as the Liverpool crowd had booed Evra in its stadium when the teams met in the FA Cup two weeks ago.

In the tunnel as the teams headed to halftime Saturday, the teams scuffled after Evra attempted to say something to Suárez. The police and stewards intervened to separate the players.

The Suárez-Evra feud overshadowed the top-class soccer these teams are capable of. United quickly took a 2-0 lead on two goals by the Liverpool-born Wayne Rooney.

The first was from a corner by Ryan Giggs, when Rooney’s sharp anticipation and reflexes led to a short-range volley in a poorly defended penalty area. The second started when Antonio Valencia preyed on an error from Jay Spearing and with split-second vision teed up Rooney, who put a shot between the legs of goalkeeper Pepe Reina.

A late consolation goal by Liverpool, with Suárez reacting like lightning to Ferdinand’s failure to control a deflection, highlighted Suárez’s immense talent. It is that talent that everyone should be talking about, and not racism, especially in a game in which 11 nationalities were represented.

Long after the lights were switched off at Old Trafford, Suárez wrote on Twitter that he was “sad” because of the loss and “disappointed because everything is not that it seems.”

Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish claimed he did not see Suárez refuse the handshake, or the shoving in the tunnel at halftime. He had said earlier in the week that Suárez should not have been barred for what he said about Evra, but that he had spoken to Suárez and he knew that Suárez would shake the hand of Evra.

When he was asked on Sky TV after the game why Suárez had not, Dalglish avoided directly answering the question.

“I think you are bang out of order to blame Luis Suárez for whatever happened today,” Dalglish said.

Shortly before that, Evra was whooping to all corners of the stadium. The referee, Phil Dowd, who had managed the game commendably, at that point physically restrained Evra and asked him not to further inflame the players or the supporters.

Ferguson was less charitable. “He is a disgrace to Liverpool Football Club,” he said of Suárez. “That certain player should not be allowed to play for Liverpool again.”

It is time for John Henry and Tom Werner, leaders of the Fenway Group that controls Liverpool, to state clearly the direction the team will take on this issue."

Don't panic: Sir Alex Ferguson goes all Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on us

IN many of the less relaxed football clubs on the Inner Rim of the Footballing Galaxy, Sir Alex Ferguson has already supplanted the great Sir Alf Ramsey as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for he scores over the older, more pedestrian (and now dead) manager in two important respects.
First, Sir Alex is Scottish; and secondly he now has the words DON’T PANIC inscribed in large friendly letters on his forehead.
After earth-shaking Festive season defeats against rock-bottom Blackburn Rovers (3-2) and Newcastle United (3-0), the Manchester United boss goes in to today’s FA Cup third round clash against neighbours City with the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy mantra firmly in mind.
Sir Alex, who turned 70 on December 31, said: “We have the experience to cope, we need to get the show on the road.
”It’s not a time for panic. Losing a game at this time of the year can sometimes happen.”
The Scot, not averse to the odd Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster (the effect is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick, according to the Guide), is only too aware of Roberto Mancini’s last outing: a universally acclaimed 3-0 win over Liverpool on Tuesday.
He said: ”Advantage to them, of course.”
Sir Alex, who could do with a towel (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on the subject of towels. A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitch hiker can have. Partly it has great practical value — you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble‐sanded beaches of Santraginus Ⅴ, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand‐to‐hand‐combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or to avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal - a mindbogglingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you, daft as a bush like Joey Barton, but ravenous; you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough, but that's enough about towels) and a few goals from returning Boxing Day Gargle Blaster Wayne Rooney at The Etihad Stadium on Sunday (live on SuperSports 3, 5pm South African time) adds a few words for arch-rivals Liverpool, who rank alongside Vogon Constructor Fleets in Mancunian affections.
Under pressure to ease tensions over the racist abused heaped on United full back Patrice Evra by Uruguayan Luis Suarez, Sir Alex growled: “It is nice of Liverpool to call for peace talks through the press. You would have thought they would come to Manchester United first.
”I do not see why there is any need for it. I have nothing to say about it.”
Suarez has been banned for eight games after using the N-word nine times and telling Evra “I’m Spanish I don’t speak to blacks”.
Ironically, his return from suspension is likely to fall at Old Trafford on February 11 where the Uruguayan will be about as welcome as an appearance from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.
As for reports of Chelsea's unhappy Frank Lampard moving to Old Trafford, you might have well as suggested Zaphod Beeblebrox was planning a move to Manchester. Sir Alex grunted: "Do you really believe that? There is no foundation to it. We won't get the players that we would like. What can you get in January? What do you do? Do you take a second-rate player? No, of course you don't."
So if not Lamps, then what exactly IS the answer for gloomy United as the transfer window opens? That's easy. 42.
For this and more stories like it, read South Africa's new Sunday tabloid SCOOP! this Sunday, available from all good newsagents, supermarkets and street vendors. See www.scoopnews.co.za.

Any Porto in a storm for Arsenal as all eyes turn to David Beckham and Manchester United

ANDREI ARSHAVIN'S hamstring. Alex Song's knee. William Gallas's back. Thomas Vermaelen's leg. Manuel Almunia's hands. Cesc Fabregas's future. Porto are laughing before tomorrow's Champions League clash against once-mighty Arsenal at the Estadio do Dragao.

Guess who's gone on standby for the biggest match of the season in the one competition the Gunners could yet win to end their five-year silverware drought?

Yes, Sol Campbell. Picked up for free in the transfer window. Arsene Wenger's only signing last month. Aged just 35, walked away from Notts County, eager to extend his career, but probably not at the Emirates.

And while Wenger, ever the tightwad, was picking up one of his cheap rejects, he was allowing Luke Wilshere and Phillippe Senderos to spend the rest of the season with Bolton and Everton.

Luckily he kept the great Denilson, who will make his usual inadequate effort to help homesick Spaniard Fabregas in the midfield tomorrow night. Oh, and Nicklas Bendtner, kept while Emmanuel Adebayor was sold, may get a run too. Or perhaps the ever-improving Theo Walcott?

While all eyes will be on Old Trafford tonight and David Beckham's return to Manchester United with Milan, for belly laughs we will turn to North London before the week's European action begins.

If this were a footballing sitcom, it would be just about unbelievable. Belly laughs all round as Arsenal fly off to Portugal with a bunch of kids and the star man already planning his move home to Barcelona next season. The Carling Cup and FA Cup have already been thrown away and in the Premier League and in Europe, Wenger's comedy decisions on and off the field keep us constantly amused.

Inept in the 3-1 defeat against Manchester United, incapable of a meaningful shot on goal when they dominated possession in the 2-0 defeat against Chelsea, Wenger made a big deal of the 1-0 win which followed over Liverpool, pretending the previous fortnight hadn't happened.

But now, with the excellent Song unable to hold the midfield together, with Arshavin the pint-sized but talented striker out and problems for both Gallas and Vermaelen at the back, Arsenal are really up against it.

And so we turn to good old Sol. He last played in the Champions League in the 2006 final against Barcelona - and if my memory serves, he scored in Paris (he must have, look at the picture above).

But everything has changed since then. From that substantial, experienced squad Wenger has got rid of Thierry Henry, Robert Pires, Gilberto Silva, Kolo Toure, Adebayor... and lost Mathieu Flamini, Freddie Ljungberg and Alex Hleb. The list of departures is so long, we don't have room.

Most worrying of all? Jens Lehmann has been replaced in goal by the even more unstable Manuel Almunia. Against Chelsea, when Drogba's free-kick hit the bar two feet from his head, the bemused Spaniard barely moved. Just watched it. He's still capable of great saves Almunia, but the consistency is gone. And in a goalkeeper, that's everything.

Still Almunia is another casualty tomorrow night, so you might hope to see a return for Vito Mannone, the Italian who had a good run in mid-season. But no, the Pole Lukasz Fabianski has been ear-marked for the No1 shirt.

Plenty of money has been made with all the famous "Invincible" departures of course. and Gooners must consider themselves fortunate that, despite the cost of the new stadium, Arsenal aren't among the Portsmouths and Cardiffs, struggling against foreclosure for overspending.

But somehow, Wenger, in his bid to prove the most profitable manager in the history of English football, has taken his eye off the ball. Anybody who has seen his side's last three attempts at winning will know that. Despite having Robin van Persie, Johan Djourou and Kieran Gibbs on the long-term injured list, he didn't dip into the alleged £40m Arsenal claimed he was allowed to spend in January.

Wenger seems to have forgotten what it's all about. He's forgotten about scoring goals. He's forgotten about finding young, English talent, He's forgotten about the fans, who pay over the odds without the prospect of silverware.This from Arshavin, who was exposed when he was played up front alone in the awful defeat against United: "If all goes well, I will get back on the pitch as early as the next league match against Sunderland. However, I will miss the game against Porto."

So no strikers at all then. Not really. No sign of Eduardo, who never really recovered from the ankle break. His hamstring injury, supposedly nearly better last week, remains a problem. Bendtner will lead the line we are told tonight. Mexican Carlos Vela? He's out too. But they're all lightweights. If ever a club needed a striker, it's Arsenal. But Wenger did nothing in January, other than chat about how all the goal-getters were pricing themselves too high.

And at the back, half a defence. Vermaelen, evidence of Wenger's ability to buy when he really wants to, says of his badly bruised leg, picked up against Aston Villa last month: 'It turned out that I could play against Manchester United, but after that game I had some more problems, so I went for another scan.

"We could see then that there was a big bruise on the bone, and that's all - so it is painful but that can be controlled with medicine and when it is not broken, you can't do too much wrong. It is not a big problem to play - yes it is still there and will take some time to go away, but it is not dangerous.'

Yup, just like his forward line. A big problem, but it's still there and it's certainly not dangerous.