Tell the missus Saturday night's sorted: It's Messi v Ronaldo. One day you'll tell the grandchildren about them.

All-white chalk & red-and-blue cheese

Right, drop whatever it is you’re doing Saturday night. Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo are on the box. Together. The Flea and CR7. Our goalden gods of the electronic age. The miracle workers of our times. One day, circa 2032, we will be able to look back and tell our grand-children: I was alive and spellbound when those two were ripping up record books.

Apparently impervious to injury or exhaustion, they are red-and-blue cheese and all-white-on-the-night chalk: one a tiny Argentine with twinkling toes who needed growth hormone therapy to reach 1.69m (5ft 7in), the other a Portuguese colossus, 1.86m (6ft 1in), and capable of sheer perfection.

They have dominated the best league in the world for three years, two foreigners inspiring a football-fuelled nation which currently boasts both the World Cup and European Championship. Though Messi and Barcelona have had the edge, Ronaldo and Real Madrid are threatening an astonishing comeback this season.

On Tuesday night, CR7 and Real went to Bayern Munich in their Champions League semi-final first leg. Jose Mourinho’s men lost 2-1 to a late Mario Gomez strike but that Mesut Ozil away goal – made by Ronaldo - should see them safely through to the final with the second leg at the Bernebeu.

On Wednesday, Messi and Barca lost 1-0 at Chelsea – for once the Flea, though dangerous, failed to score as the Spaniards hit the woodwork twice and succumbed to an oft-inspired but oft-tumbling Didier Drogba. You still wouldn’t bet against an All-Spanish final in Munich come May.

The fact that neither Messi nor Ronaldo managed a goal this week has been widely highlighted. But their unexpected blanks will only serve to heighten expectation on Saturday night at the Nou Camp, when the Spanish giants meet in the long-awaited El Clasico.

It’s a showdown which will surely decide the destination of La Liga, with Real a precious but precarious four points ahead in the bitter battle between southern Catalan and central Castillian, two nations in one. Three if you include the northern Basques.

The battle between them holds such irony. Messi has on the Ballon D’Or as the world’s best for three years on the trot, but we all know Ronaldo is only a shade adrift since he won it in 2008; he’d be head-and-shoulders better than the rest – Iniesta, Gomez, Van Persie, Robben – if Barca hadn’t spotted an undersized 13-year-old with magic feet a decade ago.

The truth is, there has simply NEVER been anything like these two in the 150-year history of professional football. You can throw up some names. Dixie Dean, who scored 63 goals in a season for Everton just after they changed the off-side rule in 1927-28. Ferenc Deak who scored 66 goals for Hungary's Ferencvaros in 1948-49. Or the great Pele, who equalled that for Santos in 1958. And how about Der Bomber? Germany’s Gerd Muller struck 67 for Bayern Munich in 1972-73.

You can forget those records now. Messi, still only 24, has scored 63 goals in all competitions for Barcelona this season. Ronaldo, 27, has got 53 for Real Madrid. And they’ve both got plenty to come this season, with five to play in their head-to-head battle for La Liga and a probable two more in the Champions League.

Last weekend, fittingly, they broke the Spanish scoring record together. Ronaldo, who reset the mark last year with 40, nodded home an Angel Di Maria cross in the 74th minute of a 3-1 win at the Bernabeu against Sporting Gijon to reach 41 League goals. Two hours later, Messi joined him on 41 with both goals in Barca’s 2-1 win at Levante.

Afterwards the ever-modest Messi, who has never cut his hair fashionably, said: "Luckily things are going well for me, but the important thing is that the team performs well so we can challenge for the title.”

The more flamboyant Ronaldo, crasher of sports cars and father of a mystery child, went for: “I always believe in myself, knowing that from one moment to the next I can do important things. We are very confident and we have our fate in our own hands which is crucial for the final stages of the season.”

Any further confirmation of the Messi/Ronaldo effect can be seen in the goals scored column. Though both global stars have failed to inspire international success – that could change when Portugal compete at Euro2012 this winter and Argentina chase the Copa de America – Real Madrid now have 107 goals, Barca offer 99. Both have played 33 times. In Germany’s Bundesliga, the leaders Dortmund and second-placed Bayern have 69 from 31. In England, Manchester City lead the way with 85 from 34. The Dutch are closest with Ajax registering 84 goals in 30 games. In South Africa, second-placed Mamelodi Sundowns are the best on offer, with a meagre 40 from 25 matches.

Problem is, no other league boasts a pint-sized fireball like Messi. Or an all-singing, all dancing act like Ronaldo. To have both scoring when they want in the same division is something of a modern sporting miracle.

So, Saturday night. Put it in the diary. In front of the telly, with SuperSport3 and HD2 from 7.55pm. Share an evening with the world’s best paid footballers, Messi ($660,000 a week) and Ronaldo ($584,000 a week), and one day you, too, can tell the grandchildren: I remember them well.

Football’s rich list (Daily Mail, 12 March 2012) Includes salaries, bonuses and endorsements

£27.5m Lionel Messi (Barcelona)

£26.2m David Beckham (LA Galaxy)

£24.3m Cristiano Ronaldo (Real Madrid)

£19.4m Samuel Eto'o (Anzhi)

£17.2m Wayne Rooney (Man United)

£15.7m Sergio Aguero (Man City)

£14.7m Yaya Toure (Man City)

£13.9m Fernando Torres (Chelsea)

£12.9m Kaka (Real Madrid)

£11.9m Philipp Lahm (Bayern Munich)

This story first appeared in The New Age as part of my Neal & Pray series. You can read Neal every Tuesday in www.thenewage.co.za and follow him on twitter at www.twitter.com/nealcol.

Fireworks from Balotelli... but is he crackers? Everything you need to know about Super Mario

Mario Balotelli is backing firework safety as England’s Guy Fawkes day – November 5 – draws near. If that sounds like a boring PR stunt, read on. Balotelli is no damp squib, he’s a raging bonfire of the vanities.

Manchester City’s madcap striker – the first African to play for Italy after he taken from his penniless Ghanaian parents aged two – is never boring. Just last Saturday night, BEFORE scoring twice in Sunday’s “Six in the City” Manchester derby win over United, Balotelli’s house was set alight when “a friend” let off fireworks in his luxury home.

Yesterday’s Manchester Evening News reports that Balotelli will NOT face legal action after the fire in plush Mottram St Andrew. A fire brigade spokesman said: "The blaze was investigated and as there didn’t appear to be any criminal intent, the matter was closed."

Then the controversial footballing icon came out in support of the “Treacle Fire Safety Drive For Bonfire Night”, saying: "Fireworks are dangerous. I didn't set any fireworks off, it was a friend of mine. I didn't know anything about it until I heard the shouting coming from the bathroom.

"Luckily, nobody was injured, and my friend apologised to me for the damage to my house. It was a really stupid thing for him to do... and I was really, really angry with him about it. Be careful out there on November 5.”

And all these burning issues had to be addressed before Sunday’s cracker when he was booked following his first rocket in the 6-1 win over United when he stripped off his light blue shirt to reveal the legend: “Why Always Me?” on a carefully printed undershirt. He left the ground afterwards high-fiving city fans from his convertible Bentley, worth an estimated £250,000 (R3m). But more about those cars later.

City travelled to Wolves for a Carling Cup clash expected to produce further fireworks last night, but Balotelli may be rested for the clash. The £120,000-a-week star is currently staying in a 5-star Manchester hotel while his simmering house is repaired, at a cost of around R5m.

Before the Manchester derby, Balotelli reassured anxious City fans: "The real Mario is coming now and it isn't the same Mario as last year. This year it's going to be better, I hope. It has to be better.

“ Last year, because of my injury, I couldn't play at the top but I train good now and I feel good and that's how it should be always. I'm getting better all the time.”

Showing remarkable prescience before scoring his sixth goal in five games, he added: “It's four goals in four games now and I hope to God it will be five goals from five after Manchester United on Sunday.

"I’ll try to stay at home more. Maybe I'll stay in with my family, my brother or girlfriend.

"They weren't here last year. That's definitely helped. I am also growing up."

Growing up? Aw, come on! Balotelli is still capable of just about anything – and in a world of boring platitudes, the man stands out like Joey Barton and Herschelle Gibbs as a personality who spices up our sporting lives.

Still just 21, few doubted Roberto Mancini’s foresight when he swooped to lure the sulky striker from Inter Milan for £24m (R280m). After all, he was constantly barracked by his own fans at the San Siro, then-boss Jose Mourinho described him as “unmanageable” and a new start was just what he needed.

Italy holds grim memories. Balotelli’s Ghanaian parents, Thomas and Rose Barwuah, were forced to put young Mario in the care of Italians Francesco and Silvio Balotelli when he was just two.

Mario claims “they abandoned me”, but the Barwuahs insist their son had intestinal problems which needed expensive treatment, so they allowed him to be fostered by the rich Milano family – daddy Balotelli was a lawyer. The Barwuahs found themselves shunned by their son and unable to intervene as his behaviour grew increasingly more bizarre.

Things came to a head in June, 2010 when police officers in Milan found Balotelli and three friends in an Audi car with a gun, amid reports of gunfire. It turned out to be a toy cap gun. Not long afterwards, Balotelli was forced to apologise to Inter fans for appearing on TV in the shirt of hated rivals AC Milan.

And so off he went to join Sheik Mansour’s multi-billion revolution in Manchester a mere 14 months ago. It didn’t take long for the tall Ghanaian-Italian to make his mark, with his bizarre hairstyles and collection of expensive cars.

Mancini insisted he could tame the “wild child” but so far he has picked up £300,000 in club fines and been sent off twice.

Though he helped City win the FA Cup last May with a goal-happy Man of the Match performance, his highlights have to be contrasted with the low points: a Carrington training ground punch-up with fellow former Ghanian Jerome Boateng, another fight with captain Vincent Kompany and an infamous incident where he threw a dart at a youth team teenager.

In July, Mancini was seething again, when Balotelli attempted to back-heel a penalty against David Beckham’s LA Galaxy – and missed.

And then there are the cars. He has a collection, currently estimated at eight. So far he’s been fined over £10,000 for various offences and has had various motors impounded 27 times for parking in the wrong place.

He crashed his £120,000 Audi R8 sports car in Manchester last August and was then stopped by police who found £25,000 (R275,000) in cash in the glove compartment. Asked why he was carrying such sums, he replied simply: "Because I can". And all that after having his £150,000 Maserati ruined by a bagful of kippers left in the boot by his team-mates at the training ground.

And then there are the women. He arrived in England with Miss Italy finalist Melissa Castagnoli, then dated Sophie Reade, who shot to fame on the reality show Big Brother. He allegedly went off with her best friend before opting for his current squeeze, Italian actress Raffaella Fico.

With his five-finger hat, bizarre outfits and punk hairstyles, Mario is a tabloid dream for the celebrity hungry British press. And the quotes just keep on coming. When asked what he thought about Arsenal midfielder Jack Wilshire, he replied: "What's his name? Wil... ? No, I just don't know him."

But Mancini keeps the faith. After the “Six in the City” derby triumph, he said: "I hope we arrive at the day when Mario has changed because, after this, he becomes one of the best three players in the world, like Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo."

For a more balanced assessment – Mancini is currently consumed by his spat with striker Carlos Tevez - perhaps David Platt, the extremely well-behaved former Arsenal and England midfielder, is worth listening to. Now Mancini’s No2 at City, Platt reckons: "He will lose concentration but you can snap him back out of it. He is never down for a week — it is 10 seconds and then he is out of it. He is an enigma."

"I don't think Mario is a difficult player to manage. He is not someone who sulks. People saw his talent but they perhaps saw it in fleeting moments last season.

"His behaviour has always been good but there have been too many ups and downs in terms of his concentration levels. But they are there and have been for a good two to three months now."

And the “Why Always Me?” t-shirt? Here’s Balotelli’s take: "I did it for many reasons but I'll leave it for other people to figure out what it means. I'm sure people can work it out.

"Chappy, our kitman did it for me, I told him the words and he printed them. He is a good guy Chappy, one of the best!

"Will I do it again? No, because otherwise I'll get booked every week, so it was a one-off for United!"

The Real Truth: Jose Mourinho will put up with the Catalan v Castilian hypocrisy for a while longer

“I am learning to be a hypocrite and I don’t want to be one.”

With that short phrase Jose Mourinho, the much-maligned coach of Porto, Chelsea, Inter Milan and Real Madrid, has restored sanity at the Bernebeu – whilst admitting he won’t be there for long.

The papers were full of Mourinho leaving the Madridistas after last week’s inglorious incident, above, which left Spanish football up in arms after Barcelona’s tempestuous Spanish Royal Cup triumph.

Mourinho moved quickly to quell reports of his imminent demise – but in the subtext of his official statement on the Real Madrid website lies the root of his unhappiness in a nation where Catalan and Castilian speakers live under the same flag while enthusiastically flying their own colours at sporting events.

It was the Special One’s spokesman Eladio Parames who first suggested Mourinho may leave after poking a finger in the eye of Barcelona assistant coach Tito Vilanova. With reports of a 12-match ban for that wayward digit being bandied around, Mourinho was clearly unhappy with a lack of support from the board at Real, who appear to find Jose’s passion undignified and slightly embarrassing.

Similar rumours surrounded his Champions League winning spell at Internazionale, where Italian journalists hounded the Portguese boss, who started his managerial career as Bobby Robson’s interpreter at Barcelona of all places, for being “over the top”.

In England, where he broke the 52-year Chelsea title drought but not London’s Champions League hunger strike, there were no such doubts. His wild-eyed passion was applauded, they miss him still. Many believe he may yet return, perhaps to Manchester United when Sir Alex Ferguson finally retires in 2057, or to Arsenal, where Arsene Wenger pronounced himself “drained” yesterday after seeing Samir Nasri join Manchester City just a week after Cesc Fabregas finally departed for, irony of ironies, Barcelona.

But yesterday, as his spokesman claimed his mobile phone had been hijacked, creating the furore around Jose's future, Mourinho assured Bernebeu fans in an open letter on www.realmadrid.com: "Only those who don't know me can dream, make up or believe I may leave Real Madrid at this stage…

"I believe many people were surprised by the quality football showcased by Real Madrid during the preseason and it would be surprising news to them if I left the club now. Impossible!

"I have a fantastic president who is very intelligent and with whom I have a great friendship. I also have a director general who works for the club 24 hours a day, so my motivation is enormous and my Madridismo is even greater than that of some pseudo-Madridistas…

"There is no way I'm leaving. No way!

"I also wish to apologise to Madridistas, and only to them, for my attitude in our last game. Some people are better adapted to the hypocrisy in football than I am, and they hide their faces and speak in whispers deep inside tunnels.

"I'm not learning to be a hypocrite, and I don't want to.

Best wishes to all. We'll see each other tomorrow at the Santiago Bernabéu Stadium."

Though the whiff of hypocrisy surrounds yesterday’s assertion of loyalty to Real, the pain of continual humiliation at the hands of Barcelona – and the diving, conniving, dramatic nature of such defeats against a Barca side steeped in chip-on-the-shoulder Catalunacy – does not sit easily with the Special One.

Mourinho may stay with Real for now. But one more frenzied Barca showdown may end his fragile affair with Spanish football.

See also http://neal-collins.blogspot.com/2011/05/real-truth-why-mourinho-and-ronaldo.html written on May 4 this year.

Inter conquer Europe... can Milito conquer the world?

It’s over. Nine months of gestation, indigestion and gesturing. The long-running European season bore its final fruit with Inter Milan carving out an emphatic 2-0 win over Bayern Munich in the first ever Saturday night Champions League showdown. JoseMourinho, you truly are the Special One. Another continental triumph against the odds.

Now, we should concentrate on the World Cup. Not a bad thing given the performance of a certain Diego Milito last night. We may have a new global star in the making.

But before we go, there are many sub-plots to unravel. There they were in Madrid, where Barcelona longed to conquer. A crowd of 75,500 at the Bernebeu to see two coaches who worked together under the late, great Sir Bobby Robson at the CampNou.

Louis van Gaal, the Dutchman who went on to coach Barca, lined up against close friend Jose Mourinho, the former interpreter who crushed the Catalan dream with a stonewall semi-final display – and is reported to be headed to Real Madrid next season.

Aarjen Robben starring for Bayern, Wesley Sneijder the vital goal-maker for Inter – two Dutchmen who could dominate the World Cup for the orange-shirted Netherlands side rated at only 12-1 to win the global event which kicks off in South Africa next month.

And there, at Soccer City where it all starts on June 11, we saw Johannesburg's Wits beat Durban's Amazulu 3-0 in front of the deafening Vuvuzelas yesterday, while just down the road in Soweto’s Super Stadium, rugby was played in the notorious township for the first time. A sell-out crowd of 42,000 saw Pretoria’s Bulls beat the New ZealandCrusaders to reach the Super 14 final without a hitch.

And next week, they return to Soweto – forced out of their home ground at LoftusVersveld by the World Cup – to play Cape Town’s Stormers, who beat Australia’sWaratahs at Newlands last night.

Have we mentioned enough countries? Involved enough rivalries? Exploited enough schisms? Confused? You will be. Just read it slowly.

In the end, the last great milestone of the winter – after Blackpool won the long-awaited right to return to the English Premier League against Welsh hopefuls Cardiff atWembley – was won by Mourinho’s relentlessly miserly approach. His Inter sat back while Bayern probed. Just as they had against Barca’s billionaires.

There was a possible handball in the box as Robben exploited weaknesses down the right, constantly whipping around the back to set up the play against an Inter side who became the first team in the European Cup not to field a single player from the country they represent.

Sub-plot numero infinito. Exactly where does that leave Italy, the holders, in SouthAfrica next month? And Bayern’s German internationals are hardly thrilling their critics before the big one either.

More rivalries, more ironies, more nagging questions than anybody can keep up with.

Suffice to say the great occasion among many big sporting events yesterday failed to capture the imagination for 35 yawning minutes, despite a feverish opening ceremony of dancing Castillian Senoritas which opened the night’s events.

The first half was finally enlivened by a well-taken goal from Argentina’s Diego Milito. Took it well, his 28^th of the season, against the run of play. But of course, he has a story too. Controversial Argentine coach Diego Mardona is said to be thinking of playing creaking veterans like Juan Sebastian Veron – who played for Manchester United eons ago – ahead of Inter’s current Argentine stars. He hasn’t even picked Inter pair Esteban Camibiasso and Javier Zanetti. But he did remember Milito.

Before the goal, Inter had been in deadly defensive Mourinho mode, barring a rifled free-kick from distance from Sneijder.

It was Sneijder who got on the end of their long-ball goal, Milito winning the flick on and taking the return to score with glee past Hans Joerg Butt, the veteran 35-year-old goalkeeper who will probably be Germany’s custodian when they open their World Cup campaign against Australia in Durban.

Butt’s story? Oliver Kahn and Jens Lehmann have retired, Robert Enke committed suicide last year and Rene Adler is injured. Some tale. Some route to becoming your nation’s No1.

Two minutes before half-time, Milito and Sneijder combined again but this time the Dutchman was through, failing to beat Butt’s knee from 12 yards.

The second half saw both goalkeepers – Butt and Inter’s Brazilian No1 Julio Cesar - at full-stretch in the first five minutes and it looked like we were in for a real thriller.

On the Bayern bench Miroslav Klose, who can’t even get in the starting eleven, kicked his heels. He’ll be leading the German line in the Group of Death against the Aussies, Serbia and Ghana. Another sub-plot, number ninety-nein.

In all there were 18 probable World Cup players in evidence. Around 280 million people watching last night. Not to mention 180 photographers and 600 journalists. But we had only one goal to savour.

Is that why “The Special One” was finally discarded by Chelsea’s billionaire owner Roman Abramovich? The Russian wanted to spend his £500m on craft, not graft.

Mourinho, who conquered Europe seven years ago with an otherwise unremarkable Porto, produces results, not masterpieces.

Another Chelsea discard, Robben, kept us on the edge of our seats, as he has throughout Bayern’s Euro run. Christian Chivu, responsible for the earlier handball and booked for his efforts to keep in touch with the Dutchman, simply couldn’t cope withthe man who is clearly more creative than Lionel Messi and his diddy dallying. Europe’s player of the season by a country mile, is Robben.

Cesar’s 65^th minute save from a Robben curler was superb – now we begin to understand why Tottenham’s ever-improving Heurelho Gomes may not see much game time in South Africa.

But ultimately the night belonged to Milito. With 70 minutes on the clock, he turned theBayern defence inside out to wrap things up with a brilliantly taken second. Inter last triumphed at this level in 1966-67. Hardly worth mentioning England last won the World Cup around that time. Or that referee Howard Webb, the only Englishman on the park, had a superb evening.

Game over. Even Maradona can’t ignore a talent like Milito, who has 48 goals in 67 games for Inter. Can he?

Inter Milan see off Barcelona, and it's a triumph for football over dramatics. Finally.

BARCELONA plunged out of the Champions League last night in a dramatic, frantic clash at the Nou Camp, which saw Inter Milan boss Jose Mourinho celebrate like a man possessed.

And little wonder. His side, 3-1 up after the first leg, had held Barcelona to a single goal despite going down to 10 men after less than half an hour. What a night. What an incredible night.

Inter's Wesley Sneijder said: "Yeah, Jose was screaming at the end, it was an emotional moment. We defended so well with 10 men for so long so a big compliment to the team.

"We were compact, we fought for every metre and gave everything and that's what we said to each other before the game. So we go to Madrid. The manager always has a tactic to destroy the opponent."

Inter's Thiago Motta was right all along. What was it he said in the build-up? "I am not worried about the referee, I am worried about the players who complicate the life of the referee. We're used to seeing Barcelona players diving a lot, so we want to help him."

Sadly, the Brazilian's fears proved founded. After 28 minutes of Barca domination Motta, who spent five years with the Catalan giants, was sent off by fussy Belgian referee Frank de Bleeckere for pushing a hand into the face of Sergio Busquets (see picture above).

True to form, the Barca man went down like a sack of spuds. He'd fall over if a mouse sneezed, that one.

Motta, already booked, was shown a straight red and looked stunned. Rightly. Then he grabbed Busquets by the neck before being dragged away. Rightly. And Barca coach Jose Mourinho, loudly abused by the Catalan hordes on his arrival at the stadium yesterday, applauded the Barca fans, suggesting they might have had something to do with it. Rightly.

On twitter, Derby County's former Wales international Robbie Savage—who knows a thing or two about red cards—raged, "Shocking decision by the ref, come on Inter!" and even Britain's No. 1 tennis player Andy Murray described it as "maybe the worst decision I have seen in sport this year."

Sadly, incidents like that reduced this clash of the titans to a battle of the divers in typical over-fussy European style, with plenty of handbags being thrown. But fortunately, football triumphed over dramatics and Inter got the result they needed to make it to the final.

At halftime, when Barcelona coach Pep Guardiola was having a word with Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Mourinho came up and let his feelings be known—with some gusto. In some parts of the world, we'd call that a pep talk. In East London, it would be labelled a right telling off.

But somehow, Inter, 3-1 up after the first-leg, had got to the break at 0-0 with 10 men. Oh, and they also suffered two yellow cards. Goalkeeper Julio Cesar—who made a great first-half save from Lionel Messi—was cautioned for time-wasting after just 34 minutes. Then Christian Chivu joined him in the book for a tackle on Messi—though he clearly got the ball with his sliding challenge.

Mourinho took off striker Gabriel Millito for full-back Maxwell, making his intentions clear as he attempted to end what he called the "obsession" Barca have about reaching the final against Bayern Munich on May 22 at the Bernebeu, home of their arch-rivals, Real Madrid.

But in the BBC commentary box, prophetic former England international Chris Waddle observed: "There's no zip about Barca. Messi looks tired, Xavi hasn't got that bit extra, Ibrahimovic hasn't given anything so far. They've got to go and have a go, get the ball wide, raise the tempo - because they're comfortably going out as it stands."

With two goals needed in the final half-hour, Guardiola did as Waddle had suggested and took off the 6'6" Ibrahimovic, the Inter striker swapped with Samuel Eto'o last season, and brought on Jeffren. Left on the bench? A certain Thierry Henry.

There goes his World Cup then. And deservedly so after "that" handball in the play-off for France against the Irish in Paris.

With Barca's players—Messi prominent among them—diving in the box like it was an 18-yard swimming pool, Inter held on grimly.

And a note for Arsenal fans. Yaya Toure, brother of Kolo, the man who should have signed for the Gunners four years ago, was having a stinker. Every touch was elephantine, and two of his shots hit the corner flag.

But still, Barca had the upper hand, as they had all game. Referee De Bleeckere needed a chat with Mourinho, who responded by taking off Wesley Sneijder—the Dutchman twisted a knee in the first half—and bringing on the temperamental Sulley Muntari, who got out of Portsmouth before it all went belly-up.

Not since AC Milan 20 years ago has a side successfully defended the European Cup. And holders Barcelona could see their chances going up in smoke as the clock hit 70 minutes with no sign of a breakthrough.

They resorted to throwing the ball in for Messi, 5'5", to win the headers. Never going to happen. The side that dismantled Arsenal looked clueless, even when confronted with 10 men. How does Mourinho do it? Psychology? Presence? A little black magic?

There was still time for teenager Bojan Krkic to miss a glorious chance with his head after a delightful cross from the otherwise formless Messi.

Then, with seven minutes to play, centre-back Gerard Piquet produced the moment of the match. Narrowly onside from Xavi's pass, he took the ball down and delayed his shot, preferring to turn like a giant-sized Messi. He coolly beat the veteran Colombian Ivan Cordoba and planted the ball into the net. Not bad for a big defender.

With 100,00 Catalans roaring, we finally had an atmosphere. And still the Barca stars dived. Daniel Alves tried a full-length effort with half-pike after 88 minutes. The ref, mercifully, waved his pleas for a penalty away.

Then, with 90 minutes played, a dubious corner. Defended. Four minutes of injury time. Bojan, in a desperate attempt to make up for his earlier miss, latched on to a chance and slammed in what looked like the winner. Deafening noise. But referee De Bleeckere had spotted a hand from Toure—a slightly unfortunate ball-to-hand, but a hand nevertheless. No goal. Phew.

Seconds left, the referee gives a bizarre bounce-ball to Barca. One final corner. Fluffed. Full-time. Oh how Mourinho loved it! A special triumph for the Special One.

Victor Valdez tried to spoil his finest moment, but Jose was gone. A nutter in the Nou Camp. Incredible. Screaming, hugging, finger-pointing. And then somebody turned the sprinklers on in an effort to spoil the celebration. But it couldn't dampen Jose's joy. He said: "We were a team of heroes. We sweated blood. That defeat was the best result of my life. This was even better than winning the Champions Leagues."

Come back Jose, we miss you.

Who the hell is Neal Collins (nealcol on twitter)? See www.nealcollins.co.uk.

Terrible times for Terry: Never tell England's driving force to "break a leg"

IT'S not been a great year for John Terry, the Chelsea captain who saw his side crash out of the Champions League against his old boss Jose Mourinho's Inter Milan last night.

Not only did he have a distinctly average game last night, leaving the pitch with a verbal volley at referee Wolfgang Stark, he also erm... ran over a Stamford Bridge security guard on the way home. I've just seen the video, lots of screaming and "oh my God's."

According to his spokesman Phil Hall on Sky Sports News: "John was surrounded by photographers and a bit of a media scrum. Some of the stewards were trying to keep people away and John drove off."

According to Hall, Terry had no idea he'd hit anyone until he got home in his Range Rover with wife Toni (she's had a bad year too, but we'll get to that later). Hall insisted: "John only found out when a pal of his called and told him. I can assure you, John Terry had absolutely no idea he had hit anyone."

So this morning, as those videos emerged of a screaming 35-year-old Chelsea employee left in the Terrys' wake, Surrey police questioned big John and breathalysed him. He was found to be under the legal limit.

You'd have thought things were bad enough for the former England captain. The 29-year-old, whose mother was charged for shop-lifting with his mother-in-law (both called Sue) and whose father was filmed peddling drugs by the News of the World last year, was in trouble earlier this year when he tried to hush-up an affair with Vanessa Perroncel.

She was the mother of his old team-mate Wayne Bridge's son. She and Toni, mother of father-of-the-year John's twins, used to be quite close. They were near-neighbours in plush Oxshott in Surrey.

Sadly for John, a judge overturned his attempted "super injunction", Bridge was furious, Terry was forced to miss a game to placate his wife in Dubai and England boss Fabio Capello stripped him of the captaincy.

The latest incident hardly helps calm the big fella as Chelsea push for the Premier League and FA Cup double - their Champions League bid was ruined by last night's 1-0 defeat against Inter - and the World Cup campaign in June.

England's driving force may have to be a little bit more careful in future. Question is: can he keep on performing at the top level under all this pressure?

Forget the Wayne Rooney, Barcelona, the World Cup, the FA Cup replays... Jose is all that matters tonight. And he's taking on the world.

TWO of the best sides in Europe meet at the San Siro tonight. But Jose Mourinho has made sure only one man matters. And he won't be on the field of play.

Ah, the Special One. Not content with his third ban of the season in Serie A (this one a three week suspension for showing a hand-cuffed salute after a referee's decision last weekend), Mourinho has seen fit to accuse Chelsea's Italian boss Carlo Ancelotti of being a member of Italy's footballing mafia.

The Italians are up in arms about Mourinho's behaviour as he apparently angles for a move to Real Madrid next season. And there he was at Internazionale's training ground at Pinatina yesterday making sure we knew who the focal point of tonight's clash really is.

Responding to Ancelotti's claim that the whole of Italy will be backing Chelsea tonight because of him, Jose said: "If Ancelotti says that it's because he knows or because somebody told him. Or because he belongs to the clan."

There was more of course. There always is with Mourinho, the man thrown out in his days as a player because his dad - a Portuguese international goalkeeper - put him in the first team. The players revolted. Then he was promoted again, from Bobby Robson's interpreter to top European manager. Further revolt.

The Champions League with Porto followed, then two Premier League titles with Chelsea. Still revolting though. And now, widespread revulsion in Italy: "I'm offering them a challenge. I'm waiting for a referee to come here and say I insulted them.

"To my face. I'm interested to see if they would be brave enough."

Never forgetting that he is the man who made Chelsea great of course, even though Roman Abramovich eventually turfed him out: "You ask me what system Chelsea will play. The same systems Chelsea have played since I joined the club in 2004. Nothing has changed.

"Then I look at my old players - men like John Terry, Frank Lampard and Didier Drogba. John and Frank perform week after week, year after year.

"They look as if they are never tired of playing well. Did I make a little contribution towards that? They say yes and I think they are right.

"I thank them because they never forget my contribution. They are good players because, yes, they are good anyway and because they have worked very hard.

"When I speak with people at Chelsea they always say that the culture of working very hard every day has not changed.

"The players have kept their strong mentality. The years may be passing but they are like Port wine - the older the better."

"The most beautiful thing in football for a coach is the passion and respect of his players - and the passion and respect of his supporters.

"That happens with me all the time - in Porto, Chelsea and Inter. That makes me proud."

"But I know what will happen in the San Siro in this match. I know Didier will break his legs for his team. And it's the education I gave to the players."

So yes, forget European Cup holders Barcelona, held by Stuttgart last night. Forget Manchester United's Wayne Rooney, scorer of two more headed goals against West Ham as he heads for the Golden Boot. Forget England's training camp in Rustenburg. In fact, forget the whole looming World Cup. And you can certainly ignore the FA Fifth Round replays - Aston Villa v Cyrstal Palace, Stoke v Man City, Spurs v Bolton, West Brom v Reading - which aren't even on the television tonight.

There is only one subject of fascination in the footballing globe. Tonight on ITV. Jose. The Special One. Taking on the world.