SUPER SATURDAY: own goals, injury time, four goal sprees and angry Tunisians

REFFING HELL! Sahel players at work
on Zambian referee Janny Sikazwe

FOOTBALL. It’s a silly old game. Saturday was an absolute extravaganza of eccentricity. From those mysterious seven minutes of injury time at the Harry Gwala to the demolition of the Estadio Santiago Bernabéu.

It doesn’t end there of course. First we saw Manchester United go top of the Premier League thanks to a last-minute own goal scored by Watford’s scorer, then we saw Arsenal fail to go top after a Mikel Arteta own goal and a slapstick Santi Cazorla penalty miss straight out of the Three Stooges.

Let’s stick to the British Premier League for a moment for the sake of the ridiculous: Leicester City, more of a rugby town for decades, are top because Liverpool were, for the first time under Jurgen Klopp, too good. Manchester City inexplicably folded 4-1 against the mid-table Merseysiders.

And how about the irony of the Reds’ former Champions League winner Rafa Benitez being in charge of Real on a night of absolute El Clasico misery? Barca’s 4-0 win, with goals from Luis Suarez (two), Neymar and Andres Iniesta was achieved with the great Lionel Messi, back from injury, largely on the bench. And even with his cushion, he was better than his arch-rival Cristiano Ronaldo.

Back home, it was almost impossible to keep up. Gavin Hunt’s PSL leaders Bidvest Wits were all at sea against Serame Letsoake’s Golden Arrows. Yes, they utterly outplayed the visitors but couldn’t get past Namibian goalkeeper Maximilian Mbaeva.

At half-time I exchanged rare messages with PSL communication director Luxolo September. We agreed it was a superb first half with Arrows 1-0 up.

But in what turned out to be perhaps the game of the season so far, Bidvest Wits equalised through 18-year-old Phakamani Mhlambi only to go behind again.

And then came real drama. Mbaeva was sent off, rightly, for a handball outside the box. With Ricardo Goss still warming his gloves, Daine Klate smacked his free-kick, not for the first time, straight in to the corner for 2-2.

And within minutes Klate, 30, let go by Orlando Pirates and SuperSport United in recent seasons, conjured the winner to go top of the PSL scoring charts and make clear his intention to add a SIXTH championship medal to the record FIVE he had already garnered at Supersport and Pirates.

Hunt was hilarious afterwards. Six points clear at the top of the PSL, he moaned: “This is what always happens after an international break. The players are away, eating too much and lazing around, they come back here and they’re sluggish.”

Bloody hell, Gavin, SLUGGISH? It was magnificent.

It was Kaizer Chiefs who appeared to have a real problem with sluggishness, falling behind to rock-bottom Maritzburg United and never really looking like recovering. While Steve Komphela looked increasingly crest-fallen, Clive Barker, at 72, appeared to have out-thought and out-fought the mighty AmaKhosi in front of a sell-out crowd at the Harry Gwala.

But then up goes the injury-time board: SEVEN MINUTES. Gasps all round. And what happens with the final touch of the game? Chiefs equalise. Injustice. Utterly unfair. The Dog’s tail should have been wagging.

But before we could even react to that salvage operation, with El Clasico and Liverpool rampaging on nearby channels, Orlando Pirates were up and ready to play the first leg of their CAF Confederations Cup final first leg in front of a nearly full Orlando Stadium.

ES Sahel, from the Tunisia holiday resort of Sousse where 38 tourists were shot in June, have won just about everything there is to win in Africa. But they looked out of sorts in the final footballing saga on Saturday night.

Tamsanqa Gabuza produced a remarkable left-footed first half finish to give Eric Tinkler’s men the advantage and really, the visitors - who arrived by charter flight on Wednesday and barely spoke to a soul - were anything but classy. Their treatment of the officials - at one point they shoved a man-handled the Zambian referee Janny Sikazwe - was matched only by their failure to pick up the mood of the evening.

On both Jacaranda FM and SAFM I predicted a two-goal margin for Pirates. After all, Etoile du Sahel had failed to beat anybody away from home in the entire tournament apart from Esperance, about 130km down the road. A late equaliser ruined the night. Jemal was the fox in the box. It was a night of poor replays, so I can't say if it was off-side. The Pirates players certainly called for it.

Ultimately, it ended 1-1. Job undone by a late away goal. The second leg will be a struggle next week, but they have a fighting chance, these Buccaneers.

Tinkler said: "It was exactly what we expected. A good team defensively, but we could have come in at half-time 2-0 up. It was a gutsy performance. We let ourselves down in the dying minutes.

"I thought their behaviour was shocking. Should have had some red cards. And that includes the guys on their bench."

Can we predict the outcome in Sousse? Hardly. Who would have predicted Barcelona and Liverpool scoring four away from home? Who would have foreseen the own goals at Manchester United and Arsenal?

Best just let it unfold. It's a funny old game.

Tell the missus Saturday night's sorted: It's Messi v Ronaldo. One day you'll tell the grandchildren about them.

All-white chalk & red-and-blue cheese

Right, drop whatever it is you’re doing Saturday night. Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo are on the box. Together. The Flea and CR7. Our goalden gods of the electronic age. The miracle workers of our times. One day, circa 2032, we will be able to look back and tell our grand-children: I was alive and spellbound when those two were ripping up record books.

Apparently impervious to injury or exhaustion, they are red-and-blue cheese and all-white-on-the-night chalk: one a tiny Argentine with twinkling toes who needed growth hormone therapy to reach 1.69m (5ft 7in), the other a Portuguese colossus, 1.86m (6ft 1in), and capable of sheer perfection.

They have dominated the best league in the world for three years, two foreigners inspiring a football-fuelled nation which currently boasts both the World Cup and European Championship. Though Messi and Barcelona have had the edge, Ronaldo and Real Madrid are threatening an astonishing comeback this season.

On Tuesday night, CR7 and Real went to Bayern Munich in their Champions League semi-final first leg. Jose Mourinho’s men lost 2-1 to a late Mario Gomez strike but that Mesut Ozil away goal – made by Ronaldo - should see them safely through to the final with the second leg at the Bernebeu.

On Wednesday, Messi and Barca lost 1-0 at Chelsea – for once the Flea, though dangerous, failed to score as the Spaniards hit the woodwork twice and succumbed to an oft-inspired but oft-tumbling Didier Drogba. You still wouldn’t bet against an All-Spanish final in Munich come May.

The fact that neither Messi nor Ronaldo managed a goal this week has been widely highlighted. But their unexpected blanks will only serve to heighten expectation on Saturday night at the Nou Camp, when the Spanish giants meet in the long-awaited El Clasico.

It’s a showdown which will surely decide the destination of La Liga, with Real a precious but precarious four points ahead in the bitter battle between southern Catalan and central Castillian, two nations in one. Three if you include the northern Basques.

The battle between them holds such irony. Messi has on the Ballon D’Or as the world’s best for three years on the trot, but we all know Ronaldo is only a shade adrift since he won it in 2008; he’d be head-and-shoulders better than the rest – Iniesta, Gomez, Van Persie, Robben – if Barca hadn’t spotted an undersized 13-year-old with magic feet a decade ago.

The truth is, there has simply NEVER been anything like these two in the 150-year history of professional football. You can throw up some names. Dixie Dean, who scored 63 goals in a season for Everton just after they changed the off-side rule in 1927-28. Ferenc Deak who scored 66 goals for Hungary's Ferencvaros in 1948-49. Or the great Pele, who equalled that for Santos in 1958. And how about Der Bomber? Germany’s Gerd Muller struck 67 for Bayern Munich in 1972-73.

You can forget those records now. Messi, still only 24, has scored 63 goals in all competitions for Barcelona this season. Ronaldo, 27, has got 53 for Real Madrid. And they’ve both got plenty to come this season, with five to play in their head-to-head battle for La Liga and a probable two more in the Champions League.

Last weekend, fittingly, they broke the Spanish scoring record together. Ronaldo, who reset the mark last year with 40, nodded home an Angel Di Maria cross in the 74th minute of a 3-1 win at the Bernabeu against Sporting Gijon to reach 41 League goals. Two hours later, Messi joined him on 41 with both goals in Barca’s 2-1 win at Levante.

Afterwards the ever-modest Messi, who has never cut his hair fashionably, said: "Luckily things are going well for me, but the important thing is that the team performs well so we can challenge for the title.”

The more flamboyant Ronaldo, crasher of sports cars and father of a mystery child, went for: “I always believe in myself, knowing that from one moment to the next I can do important things. We are very confident and we have our fate in our own hands which is crucial for the final stages of the season.”

Any further confirmation of the Messi/Ronaldo effect can be seen in the goals scored column. Though both global stars have failed to inspire international success – that could change when Portugal compete at Euro2012 this winter and Argentina chase the Copa de America – Real Madrid now have 107 goals, Barca offer 99. Both have played 33 times. In Germany’s Bundesliga, the leaders Dortmund and second-placed Bayern have 69 from 31. In England, Manchester City lead the way with 85 from 34. The Dutch are closest with Ajax registering 84 goals in 30 games. In South Africa, second-placed Mamelodi Sundowns are the best on offer, with a meagre 40 from 25 matches.

Problem is, no other league boasts a pint-sized fireball like Messi. Or an all-singing, all dancing act like Ronaldo. To have both scoring when they want in the same division is something of a modern sporting miracle.

So, Saturday night. Put it in the diary. In front of the telly, with SuperSport3 and HD2 from 7.55pm. Share an evening with the world’s best paid footballers, Messi ($660,000 a week) and Ronaldo ($584,000 a week), and one day you, too, can tell the grandchildren: I remember them well.

Football’s rich list (Daily Mail, 12 March 2012) Includes salaries, bonuses and endorsements

£27.5m Lionel Messi (Barcelona)

£26.2m David Beckham (LA Galaxy)

£24.3m Cristiano Ronaldo (Real Madrid)

£19.4m Samuel Eto'o (Anzhi)

£17.2m Wayne Rooney (Man United)

£15.7m Sergio Aguero (Man City)

£14.7m Yaya Toure (Man City)

£13.9m Fernando Torres (Chelsea)

£12.9m Kaka (Real Madrid)

£11.9m Philipp Lahm (Bayern Munich)

This story first appeared in The New Age as part of my Neal & Pray series. You can read Neal every Tuesday in www.thenewage.co.za and follow him on twitter at www.twitter.com/nealcol.