The Hand of Yid: Defoe cheats to see Spurs through. You just can't deny it.

After the Hand of God and the Hand of Frog, it would be deeply unfair to ignore the latest great footballing injustice: The Hand of Yid.

Look, there’s no denying it. Just because he’s a lovable little Englishman, Jermain Defoe can’t be allowed to get away with the blatant handball which turned last night’s Champions League qualifier Tottenham’s way at White Hart Lane. It’s cheating. It’s wrong. UEFA should look at the tapes and punish both the player and the club.

Isn’t that what we English cry whenever Johnny Foreigner uses a hand to gain advantage?

Argentina’s Diego Maradona has never been forgiven for punching one in against England in 1986, Frenchman Thierry Henry is still roundly condemned for his basketballing antics against Ireland in last year’s World Cup play-off and Luis Suarez was castigated (but not castrated) for briefly becoming an extra goalkeeper when Uruguay scraped through their quarter-final against Ghana at the World Cup in July.

Throw them out, we cried. Ban them forever, the headlines proclaimed.

So why should Defoe’s cheating be treated any differently? Can you imagine if the boot had been on the other erm... hand? Spurs fans, who like to call themselves Yids in the club’s faintly self-parodying Jewish tradition, love to complain. Ever since the double in 1961, they’ve been going on and on. Their manager, Harry Redknapp, never has enough over-paid players and always has more traumatised injury victims that an episode of Casualty.

I say it’s time for neutrality, since we’re dealing with the harmless (and armless) Swiss. Imagine how Young Boys, 3-2 after up the first leg in Bern, must have felt with that lucrative place in the group stages at stake? Peter Crouch headed the opener to level the “£20million” tie after just five minutes, then Defoe committed his unforgiveable sin.

With the ball dropping behind him, the 5ft 7in mini-dynamo clearly controlled the ball with the crook of his left arm before turning neatly past protesting Swiss defenders to slot home the winner. Great finish, clear handball.

Crouch made it 3-1 after an hour (5-3 on aggregate), and Defoe then found himself substituted while goalkeeper Heurelho Gomes, who had been begging to be subbed after an early injury, was left out in the rain by boss Redknapp. Curious.

Crouch was given the ball when the ever-impressive Gareth Bale was brought down in the box with ten minutes left, and duly scored his third – only the second European Cup hat-trick in Tottenham’s history.

But to focus on Crouch’s scoring ability – on and off the field – would be to miss the point.

Defoe did his best to explain away the use of his arm in scoring, and the guilty look before he commenced celebrating his goal. He said: "There may have been a bit of an arm, but you take them all. I did have a glance at the referee." With the ref, linesman and new-fangled “sixth official” next to the goal all missing his one-armed banditry, Defoe had little choice but to grin sheepishly at the post-match cameras. Before the game of course,

Defoe had let it be known he needed a hernia operation (he will have surgery tomorrow and misses England’s first two Euro 2012 qualifiers against Bulgarlia and Switzerland) but was prepared to play through the pain against Young Boys. He added: "Everyone wants to play in the Champions League. On Tuesday nights, you don't want to be at home watching Eastenders.”

But Spurs provided the soap opera moments in the teeming rain of north London last night. The little sinner, the cockney market trader shouting the odds from the sidelines, the massed ranks of anxious extras... and a starring role for the the lanky bloke caught in the love triangle. It was all there, complete with the fairy-tale ending.

A great day in Pretoria... and Port Elizabeth. England and the USA emerge from Group C

WHEN I was kid I had this nightmare. I'm walking through Pretoria with an England shirt on and the cross of St George waving over my head. I last about ten minutes before large Blou Bulle rugby fans leave the Limey trampled underfoot with my flag stuck somewhere painful.

I used to wake up sweating.

That nightmare came to pass today at the heart of Afrikanerdom, where they used to be more bothered about the Boer War than the World Cup. Video evidence will soon be available. I had no choice. England playing for their lives against mighty Slovenia in Port Elizabeth but I'm assigned to the USA's battle for survival against Algeria at Loftus Versfeld.

What a day. There were 35,000 at the home of what I once knew as Northern Transvaal, where Englishmen, Americans and certainly Algerians might have been in for a frostry reception in the 1980s.

And here we were, thirty years later, flags resplendent, celebrating perhaps the most colourful World Cup in history. For a taster, see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ryvtZP9qnk

Africa's first effort at hosting the global extravaganza could have done with an African victory - and certainly the Algerians, who claim to represent the whole of the Arabic northern power block - were out in numbers.

And the Yanks? Incredible. Thousands of them draped in their stars and stripes. Yes, thousands of Yanks and their dollars loving South Africa. And there's me and the missus, the only ones with the red cross waving and England emblazoned across our chests.

To provide context: I lived in what was known as Verwoerdburg from 1970 to 1985. Tough place to grow up with my accent. Even tougher place to play rugby against schools like Menlo Park and Affies.

But today the centre of what is now known as Centurion was home to a thriving fan zone. The centre of Pretoria was alight with World Cup fans, the beer was flowing, FIFA's licensed hot-dogs were selling like hot cakes and I thought to myself... what a beautiful World Cup. How far this nation has come in the 16 short years since democracy.

Not that the game between the US and Algeria glittered too much at the start. A chap called William Clinton took a seat near me. Well, within 400 yards. It's on the video! Former American president Bill (we're familiar now we've been to the same game) said: "South Africa is bursting with pride. They think they've done a good job, better than everyone said they would. It's been good for this country and this continent and I believe in them."

Okay, he didn't tell me that. He told the SABC cameramen. Me? I was talking to Algerians, Pretorians and Americans. Neither side could produce the early goal which might have swung Group C. And then the mobile phone twanged. My brother at home in Centurion. Jermain Defoe had scored for England after just ten minutes against group leaders Slovenia, that mighty nation of 2,030,000 who prefer skiing to football.

England (pop 52,000,000 with football the national sport under the patron saint St David of Becks) were finally playing. Glimpses of the action on the screens in the boxes. How to take in two games at once?

Conversation flowed, flags waved and all I got in response to the dreaded England shirt was a sea of smiles and chants of "Eng-er-land".

When Algeria hit the bar, England responded in distant Port Elizabeth with a Wayne Rooney effort which hit the post. As the US began to wrest control of the game at Loftus, Slovenia were starting to play after half-time at the Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium.

Two huge crowds gripped by Group C action - and a global audience of billions tuning in to see South Africa host day after day of perfectly run international football.

Okay, Bafana Bafana were squeezed out on Tuesday, but the nation should not mourn. The French have gone home to rotten fruit to be told they have put their nation back 50 years. President Sarkozy will meet with Thierry Henry today to tell him so.

But for the rest of us, this World Cup keeps on giving. England hung on for victory, improved but still way short of what we expect from our millionaires in boots.

But just when it looked like they would win the group despite John Terry's press conference tantrum on Sunday, the US came up with the goal we'd all been waiting for.

America's greatest footballer threw himself into the melee with the 91st minute winner which broke Algerian hearts and put the US through on top of the Group. Landon Donovan, some geezer.

A goal like that might have led to trouble at some of the games I've seen over the years. But not here, not at the Rainbow Nation's grand party. The thousands of Algerians laughed and sang with the cockahoop Yanks. They didn't react to the over-the-top celebrations by the American players. They simply took it on the chin. Incredible. Try that at West Ham or Millwall.

And it went on. Through the Pretoria night, flags waving, vuvuzelas blasting. The much-derided park-and-ride system moved smoothly into action and an hour later, everyone's been there, done that. England and the US through from Group C. Slovenia and Algeria go home with heads held high.

Another great day from the World Cup that keeps on giving.

Neal Collins is in South Africa to complain about England's performance and promote his first novel A GAME APART. See www.nealcollins.co.uk.

To see Neal at the National Arts Festival on July 4, go to http://www.computicket.com/web/event/neal_collins_a_game_apart/148367625.

Nine? Nein! Nine! Be very afraid of Spurs and Jermain man

GOONERS everywhere be afraid. Be very afraid. Tottenham stuck nine, yes nine, past Wigan at White Hart Lane today. And Jermain Defoe, the little big guy who should play every England game alongside Wayne Rooney, stuck away five of them, including three in eight minutes, the second fastest hat-trick in the history of the Premiership.

Not since Manchester United put nine without reply past Ipswich in 1995 has the Premier League seen anything it. And Wigan... well, they've just never seen anything like it.

Remember, Roberto Martinez's side beat runaway leaders Chelsea 3-1 on 26 September. Incredible. I tend to put two quid a week on seven results as an accumulator, often at odds of 500-1... but this one scoreline was a 750-1 shot at Corals.

It was one of those rare results that come up on the teleprinter (aka the internet) with the score in words next to the number. Just so we know it's not a typing mistake.

There's no point trying to run you through it, this is a blog, not War and Peace. The goals went like this: Crouch 9, Defoe 51, Defoe 54, Defoe 58, Lennon 64, Defoe 69, Defoe 87, Kirkland (og) 88 and finally Kranjcar, four minutes into injury time.

Defoe (yes, he's the 5ft 6in one above, with Peter Crouch) said afterwards he was hoping "to score a few more" while Redknapp oozed "Jermain looked like that yesterday in training, he looks so sharp that I just thought if he can carry that into the game he's going to be a real handful today for their back four.
"All the strikers have been in great form. Robbie's (Keane) had a four this year, now Jermain's had five, Crouchy's had a three. So it's nice to have your strikers all scoring goals."

Martinez looked stunned, as well he should after an afternoon of chronically bad defending which will reduce Alan Hansen to a sloppy mess if he ever gets to review it. The Wigan boss groaned: "It was unacceptable and unexpected. The way we defended in key moments was not good enough.

"I am embarrassed as it's a result we don't want to be associated with. We need to move on quickly and give a good reaction in the next game.

"I've never been involved in a game like this. But the damage of this won't be carried into the next game."

Don't bet on it Roberto.

All this of course on a weekend when rivals Arsenal failed to score against Sunderland, who scored the only goal through Darren Bent. No prizes for guessing where he was before Defoe returned to White Hart Lane from Portsmouth to rejoin Redknapp - and left Bent surplus to requirements.

At the top, Chelsea crushed Wolves 4-0 and Manchester United were too much for Everton, with Darren Fletcher scoring a cracker in a 3-0 win. Liverpool dropped further off the top four and had to come from 2-1 down to draw 2-2 against Manchester City. On another goal-happy weekend, West Ham came back to draw 3-3 at Hull, Birmingham beat Fulham 1-0 and Aston Villa came from behind to draw 1-1 at Burnley.

Today's less one-sided games? Ricardo Fuller's first Premier League goal of the season was enough to see Stoke beat Portsmouth - without injured goalkeeper David James - and Blackburn beat Bolton 2-0 with goals from David Dunn and an own goal from Sam Ricketts. That makes 34 goals in 10 games, another corking weekend for goals in the Premier League. Unless you're Roberto Martinez.

Hey big spenders! How do Spurs do it?

BACK page of my beloved but soon-to-die London Lite today (e-edition.thelondonlite.co.uk) had to be all about Spurs and their record profits. Last year, according to the accountants, they made over £33m, up from a meagre £3m last year.
But further analysis reveals chairman Daniel Levy has done more than just balance the books with Harry Redknapp over the past 12 months. Miraculously, given this set of results, my sums show they have actually spent almost £150m in 16 months, with Juande Ramos (Roman Pavlyuchenko, Luka Modric, Heurelho Gomes) doing the early buying before Harry came in and re-signed departed Spurs favourites Robbie Keane and Jermain Defoe plus, more recently, Sebastien Bassong, Niko Kranjcar and Peter Crouch.
Yes, while North London rivals Arsenal scrabble for scraps (okay, Andrey Arshavin (£16m) and Thomas Vermaelen (£10m) were good buys, but we've hardly seen a mega-spree from Arsene Wenger) Spurs have splashed out £150m since the summer before last - only mega-bucks Manchester City in the Premier League and, further afield, Real Madrid can beat that.
Spurs spent £119.3m in the year ending June 2009, but their books don't show the further £29.4m spent on Crouch, Bassong and Kranjcar, which puts quite a big dent in that record profit of £33.4m.
Arsenal, Manchester United, Chelsea, Liverpool? Not even close on the spending front. How the hell do Spurs do it, on smaller crowds with recession-hit backers... and they're redeveloping White Hart Lane, building a new training ground and... I dunno.
Look, here's the Lite quotes from Levy, make of them what you will in the light of their spending: "We have made significant progress in delivering on our long-term vision for the club. We have always had three key priorities and you will have heard them oft repeated - investment in the first team, a new training centre and an increased capacity, state-of-the-art new stadium.
"We have assembled what we believe to be one of the most talented squads we have had during our time in the Premier League, the ground is being turned and pitches laid for the new training centre at Bulls Cross in Enfield and we have submitted a planning application for a stunning new stadium on a site next to our existing stadium."
Levy is in talks over a new shirt sponsorship contract from next season, with the deal with Mansion set to expire at the end of the current campaign. God on the shirts next year perhaps? They'll need Him to maintain those spending levels!
Oh, and son Harry has just called from the car. England's cricketers, after that bright start to their tour in South Africa, went into game three in Bloemfontein today - their first Twenty20 of the safari against South Africa A - expecting another stonking win. I hear they were all out for 89. Gulp. South Africa's also-rans got there with 15 balls and four wickets to spare. And what did I say in the Lite today? I quoted Graeme Swann saying they'd be fine without captain Andrew Strauss, who doesn't get on with the shortest version of the game. He got 72 and 117 not out in those first two 50-over wins. Only Alistair Cook (22), Eoin Morgan (11) and Paul Collingwood (18) got double-figures today. Ouch. Check out Swanny and James Anderson on twitter.com later. There may be belated fireworks!