SUPER SATURDAY: own goals, injury time, four goal sprees and angry Tunisians

REFFING HELL! Sahel players at work
on Zambian referee Janny Sikazwe

FOOTBALL. It’s a silly old game. Saturday was an absolute extravaganza of eccentricity. From those mysterious seven minutes of injury time at the Harry Gwala to the demolition of the Estadio Santiago Bernabéu.

It doesn’t end there of course. First we saw Manchester United go top of the Premier League thanks to a last-minute own goal scored by Watford’s scorer, then we saw Arsenal fail to go top after a Mikel Arteta own goal and a slapstick Santi Cazorla penalty miss straight out of the Three Stooges.

Let’s stick to the British Premier League for a moment for the sake of the ridiculous: Leicester City, more of a rugby town for decades, are top because Liverpool were, for the first time under Jurgen Klopp, too good. Manchester City inexplicably folded 4-1 against the mid-table Merseysiders.

And how about the irony of the Reds’ former Champions League winner Rafa Benitez being in charge of Real on a night of absolute El Clasico misery? Barca’s 4-0 win, with goals from Luis Suarez (two), Neymar and Andres Iniesta was achieved with the great Lionel Messi, back from injury, largely on the bench. And even with his cushion, he was better than his arch-rival Cristiano Ronaldo.

Back home, it was almost impossible to keep up. Gavin Hunt’s PSL leaders Bidvest Wits were all at sea against Serame Letsoake’s Golden Arrows. Yes, they utterly outplayed the visitors but couldn’t get past Namibian goalkeeper Maximilian Mbaeva.

At half-time I exchanged rare messages with PSL communication director Luxolo September. We agreed it was a superb first half with Arrows 1-0 up.

But in what turned out to be perhaps the game of the season so far, Bidvest Wits equalised through 18-year-old Phakamani Mhlambi only to go behind again.

And then came real drama. Mbaeva was sent off, rightly, for a handball outside the box. With Ricardo Goss still warming his gloves, Daine Klate smacked his free-kick, not for the first time, straight in to the corner for 2-2.

And within minutes Klate, 30, let go by Orlando Pirates and SuperSport United in recent seasons, conjured the winner to go top of the PSL scoring charts and make clear his intention to add a SIXTH championship medal to the record FIVE he had already garnered at Supersport and Pirates.

Hunt was hilarious afterwards. Six points clear at the top of the PSL, he moaned: “This is what always happens after an international break. The players are away, eating too much and lazing around, they come back here and they’re sluggish.”

Bloody hell, Gavin, SLUGGISH? It was magnificent.

It was Kaizer Chiefs who appeared to have a real problem with sluggishness, falling behind to rock-bottom Maritzburg United and never really looking like recovering. While Steve Komphela looked increasingly crest-fallen, Clive Barker, at 72, appeared to have out-thought and out-fought the mighty AmaKhosi in front of a sell-out crowd at the Harry Gwala.

But then up goes the injury-time board: SEVEN MINUTES. Gasps all round. And what happens with the final touch of the game? Chiefs equalise. Injustice. Utterly unfair. The Dog’s tail should have been wagging.

But before we could even react to that salvage operation, with El Clasico and Liverpool rampaging on nearby channels, Orlando Pirates were up and ready to play the first leg of their CAF Confederations Cup final first leg in front of a nearly full Orlando Stadium.

ES Sahel, from the Tunisia holiday resort of Sousse where 38 tourists were shot in June, have won just about everything there is to win in Africa. But they looked out of sorts in the final footballing saga on Saturday night.

Tamsanqa Gabuza produced a remarkable left-footed first half finish to give Eric Tinkler’s men the advantage and really, the visitors - who arrived by charter flight on Wednesday and barely spoke to a soul - were anything but classy. Their treatment of the officials - at one point they shoved a man-handled the Zambian referee Janny Sikazwe - was matched only by their failure to pick up the mood of the evening.

On both Jacaranda FM and SAFM I predicted a two-goal margin for Pirates. After all, Etoile du Sahel had failed to beat anybody away from home in the entire tournament apart from Esperance, about 130km down the road. A late equaliser ruined the night. Jemal was the fox in the box. It was a night of poor replays, so I can't say if it was off-side. The Pirates players certainly called for it.

Ultimately, it ended 1-1. Job undone by a late away goal. The second leg will be a struggle next week, but they have a fighting chance, these Buccaneers.

Tinkler said: "It was exactly what we expected. A good team defensively, but we could have come in at half-time 2-0 up. It was a gutsy performance. We let ourselves down in the dying minutes.

"I thought their behaviour was shocking. Should have had some red cards. And that includes the guys on their bench."

Can we predict the outcome in Sousse? Hardly. Who would have predicted Barcelona and Liverpool scoring four away from home? Who would have foreseen the own goals at Manchester United and Arsenal?

Best just let it unfold. It's a funny old game.

Cavin Johnson's first task as SuperSport United coach: MANCHESTER CITY live and dangerous at Loftus on Sunday!

CAVIN JOHNSON faces possibly the most frightening introduction possible to his new job as SuperSport United boss on Sunday – when he faces a club by the name of Manchester City.

The most expensively assembled team in the history of English football flew in to Durban’s King Shaka airport today before their Nelson Mandela Invitational opener against Matsatsantsa at Loftus Versfeld on Sunday.

And yes, Jesus is coming – Jesus Navas. Sheikh Mansour’s most recent acquisition from Spain's Sevilla is included in the City squad under the management of new Italian coach Manuel Pellegrini, who replaced Roberto Mancini despite their runners-up finish in the Barclays Premier League last season.

Speaking on my show BOLLOCKZ on www.ballz.co.uk, an excited Johnson – who moved to SuperSport last month after taking Platinum Stars to a surprising runners-up spot in the PSL last season – told me: “Neal, in all respects, yes, City players are among the highest-paid players in the world but for us at SuperSport it’s an honour to play them for Nelson Mandela.

“But on the other hand, in England, City are one of the top four teams. In South Africa, SuperSport United are one of the top four teams!

“Two different brands of football are coming together – hopefully on the day we’ll have the advantage. City have had to fly 11 hours to get to our country!

Johnson, who replaces three-time PSL champion Gavin Hunt at the helm, revealed: “Thuso Phala, the man I brought with me from Platinum Stars, is injured unfortunately, but you will see former AmaTuks Senegal strike Mame Niang.

“David Mathebula and Bennett Chenene from Moroka Swallows will definitely play. We have a new youngster called Morne Nel – he’s only 17. I might give him ten minutes against Manchester City! He’s a midfielder. Who knows, what a dream that would be for him! Dino Moketse is another youngster – but he played a few games last season.

OUT IN AFRICA: England captain Joe Hart and City's
Belgian captain Vincent Kompany on the
road from King Shaka airport yesterday

“We have agreed to allow eight or nine substitutions so we will be able to give a lot of players a run.”

Among his more established stars are Sameehg Doutie, rumoured to be wanted in Europe, South Africa’s fastest defender Bevan Fransmann – who will fly off to join Bafana Bafana’s COSAFA Cup campaign in Zambia after the game – and Mor Diouf, who memorably scored from 70 yards in the Tshwane derby against Mamelodi Sundowns last season.

Diouf told me after that goal he loves the long range efforts though England goalkeeper Joe Hart may be harder to beat from the halfway line than Wayne Sandilands!

“The question is, can my players get a hold on players like David Silva or their new Brazilian Fernandinho? That will bring a little bit of spark into our lives at Loftus on Sunday!

“For me it’s about giving the crowd a good display of football – and hopefully we’ll be able to score six or seven!"

England's 2012 champions City, like neighbours United and Chelsea, start the season under new management too.

Their new Italian boss Manuel Pellegrini arrived in Durban today insisting: "I am here to work with young players and the professional team. Winning trophies is important but it is not just about that." 

Johnson grins: “At the present moment, considering what Manchester City have done in the Premier League, it couldn’t be a better start for me at SuperSport.

“We’ve had Engen join us as sponsors and we have exciting development programmes in place.

“I don’t actually support any club in England, as a coach I need to see all the other teams and what they do!

“I’m enjoying this job to the fullest right now. It’s one of the big teams in South Africa, we have a lot of personalities and I’ll see you on Sunday at Loftus!”

You can follow me on www.twitter.com/nealcol - or you can meet me at Eastwoods, the Loftus bar, at high noon before Sunday’s game with SuperSport United fanatic Trevor van Wyk and other twitter buddies!

EXCLUSIVE: How I revealed Cavin Johnson's move to SuperSport United in May:  http://neal-collins.blogspot.com/2013/06/miracle-worker-cavin-johnson-leaves.html

CITY'S PRE-SEASON TOUR IN FULL!

July 14 Supersport United (South Africa)

July 18 AmaZulu FC (South Africa)

July 24 South China (Hong Kong)

July 27 Tottenham/Sunderland (Hong Kong)

July 31 AC Milan (Germany)

August 1 Bayern Munich/Sao Paulo (Germany)

August 10 Arsenal (Finland)

All the predictions before a wicked weekend: from Chiefs to Pirates, Gunners to Blues

On target for Chiefs last week: Majoro

It's a massive weekend for football here and abroad. In South Africa, Kaizer Chiefs must attempt to resume their all-conquering Q1 form at Maritzburg United tonight while lowly AmaZulu go to Orlando on Sunday hoping to plunder the Pirates in a battle of the jolly Rogers.

In Cape Town tomorrow, coachless Ajax are out to halt the Johan Neeskens revival at Mamelodi Sundowns which actually resulted in a Telkom KO goal against AmaTuks during the week, the Msandawana's first strike since Noah began boat-building.

In England, the two European crisis clubs are in action tomorrow. Arsenal must end their slump against rock-bottom QPR and Manchester City simply have to overcome Swansea. The Merseyside derby and Chelsea v Manchester United suggest a Super Sunday lies in wait.

And just to prove I do notice La Liga, I can't see Barcelona producing anything less than a rampant win at Rayo Vallecano on Saturday night at 10pm South African time but Real Madrid, beaten by Borussia Dortmund in the Champions League this weekend, may stutter again when they go to the holiday island of Mallorca on Sunday night at 9.30pm.

My predictions for the weekend’s fixtures below, with a line of explanation:

PSL

TONIGHT

Maritzburg United 2-2 Kaizer Chiefs

Maritzburg is no longer an easy trip, not even for the table-topping Amakhosi

TOMORROW

SuperSport United 0-1 Bidvest Wits

Gavin Hunt’s bus may not deny the big-spending, new-look Clever Boys

Platinum Stars 0-1 Free State Stars

A meeting of Stars eclipsed by Steve Komphela’s travellers from Bethlehem

Ajax Cape Town 1-3 Mamelodi Sundowns

Still without a coach, Ajax may struggle to stop Neeskens’ Msandawana revival

Golden Arrows 2-0 Chippa United

Former Chippa boss Manqoba Mngqithi is back to fire the Arrows

Moroka Swallows 2-1 Black Leopards

Birds should swoop in a week over-shadowed by Sunday Chidzambga’s life-ban

SUNDAY

Bloemfontein Celtic 0-0 University of Pretoria

Steve Barker’s early charge appears to be stuttering, Celtic blooming

Orlando Pirates 3-1 AmaZulu

Jolly Roger de Sa takes on Rogered Palmgren. Only one result.

PREMIER LEAGUE

TOMORROW

Aston Villa 0-1 Norwich (1:45pm South African time)

Coming off the back of their victory over the Gunners, Canaries are flying

Arsenal 3-1 QPR (4pm)

Arsene Wenger simply cannot leave the Emirates pointless tomorrow night. Can he?          

Reading 1-1 Fulham  (4pm)   

Defeat for relegation-threatened Reading unthinkable at home

Stoke 2-1 Sunderland (4pm)    

After the draw with Newcastle, Sunderland may not relish a trip to Potteries

Wigan 0-2 West Ham (4pm)    

Sam Allardyce’s promoted Hammers secure their place in the top half

Man City 3-0 Swansea (6.30pm)

Roberto Mancini’s under enough pressure, time for the millionaires to perform      

SUNDAY

Everton 1-3 Liverpool  (2.30pm) 

Liverpool show no Mersey in their bid to catch the arch-rivals

Newcastle 2-2 West Brom  (4pm)    

Toon in tune in Europe this week, but Baggies are a stubborn bunch

Southampton 0-2 Tottenham (4pm)    

After the 4-1 surrender against the Hammers, Saints in trouble against Spurs

Chelsea 3-2 Man Utd (5pm)

THE BIG ONE: got to be a Blue day, despite Champions League failure this week

Idols winner Khaya Mthethwa on God, singing, his dad, Orlando Pirates... and Mario Balotelli

Champ: Khaya and me this morning

Khaya Mthethwa is South Africa’s shiniest new star. But a single sleepness night after winning the biggest reality show in the history of South African broadcasting there he was, an ordinary bloke with a beaming smile.

A Buccaneer. With a touch of Mario Balotelli thrown in.

Truth is, the man crowned winner of Idols is a thoroughly nice chap – and an ardent supporter of English Premier League Champions Manchester City, not to mention South Africa’s PSL treble champions Orlando Pirates.

I caught up with him in the cramped lobby outside my producer’s box at 702 in Sandton. There was the usual congratulatory hug then I asked the vital question: which football team do you support?

“It’s got to be Manchester City,” he grinned, “They’re the best team I’ve seen. Mario Balotelli? Oh yes!”

But locally? “Orlando Pirates… I’m a Buccaneer! I love my football, I play when I can, always loved it. I played at school. And Andile Jali should be in the Bafana Bafana squad!”

Khaya is not typical starry-eyed wannabe using reality television to hit the heights. He’s a God-fearing lad from Durban. Eager to please, modest, grateful. He started his morning at 702 with my Early Breakfast host Shaka Sisulu, referring to him as “Mr Sisulu” and replying to questions about media pressure by recalling: “I got some valuable advice from one of the judges, Gareth Cliff. He said, as long as I live my life thruthfully, I have nothing to fear from anyone.

“Right now, at this moment in this studio at 10 to six in the morning, I am the happiest man in South Africa. And I hardly feel tired at all!”

Later, on John Robbie’s breakfast show, Khaya revealed: “I am a completely different person to the man I was three months ago. Then I was a musician struggling to make a living, to prove to my parents I could make it.

“At school we were all forced to audition for the school choir, my teachers would ask me to sing and I never really wanted to!

”But both my parents are pastors at our church and that’s where I fell in love with music and I decided that this is what I wanted to do.

“I remember the first audition in uShaka Marine World in Durban. I was nearly falling asleep, I’d been waiting for so long to do my piece, the queues were huge. But the judges gave me my chance.

“The most important thing was to convince my dad I was doing the right thing. But after the Theatre Week he was convinced. My whole family came to watch every one of my live Idols shows. Even when they should have been doing other things. I’m so grateful for that.

 “I look up my father, he is my hero. He taught me to be the man I am today.

“You won’t believe the amount of work DSTV do behind the scenes to make sure I am prepared for this moment. It’s enormous. They teach you how to deal with the hype, the social media, the attention. It’s like they stick you in a microwave, push a button and you come out ready.”

Robbie, the former Irish rugby player and tough-tackling, award-winning interviewer, didn’t take it easy on Mthethwa. When he compared him “all young and athletic” to the three men in court for the murder of former heavyweight boxing champion Corrie Sanders this week, Khaya didn’t flinch. He said: “I just hope I can be a role model for young people in South Africa, that they can see what can be achieved. There is another way.”

Robbie warned the devout Christian how his faith would be tested, how he would experience things he had never expected as a reality television star. But Khaya took it all on the chin, leaving Robbie raving: “Honestly, I’ve never watched Idols in my life. I only grabbed Khaya in the corridor outside because I knew he’d won, and I‘m always interested in winners.

“I have to say, after talking to him, he is one of the most impressive young men I have ever met. An absolute joy to talk to.”

There are political undertones of course. Khaya’s victory – the first Idols win by a black South African in eight attempts – came at the expense of the extremely attractive rival finalist Melissa Alison with a record THREE MILLION votes cast in the weeks building up to Tuesday night’s sparkling finale at Mosaiek Tatro in Fairland.

But Khaya, a staunch Christian and a member of Joyous Celebration, insists he “gets sad" about the race issue. It was left to his close pal and radio presenter Akhumzi Jezile to say: “I’ve never seen so many black people excited about Idols.”

And as Khaya prepares for a new life armed with a winners’ cheque of R1m and a recording contract with Universal Music, Jezile added: "I believed in Khaya from his first audition. When he decided to enter, he came to my mom's house carrying a stack of CDs. The only one I remember was Bruno Mars. And that was what got him through his first audition – Bruno’s The Way You Are."

Abandoned: If Bernard Parker is upset, imagine how seven-goal Denis Law felt!

Winter wonderland: Soccer City on Saturday night after the hail storm

KAIZER CHIEFS fans are understandably annoyed about Saturday night's hail storm, which saw their game against Leopards abandoned after 34 minutes at Soccer City.

When referee Daniel Bennett took the players off, Chiefs were leading 2-0 with a superb free-kick from Bernard Parker followed by a neat strike from Kingston Nkhatha.

If the players had got back on the ground on Saturday night, the match would have resumed with Chiefs 2-0 up 10 minutes before half-time.

But because match commissioner Stan Swart was unable to clear the surface, they'll have to replay Leopards on Wednesday night at Soccer City, kick-off 8.15pm.

And under SAFA rule 8.14 they will start at 0-0, 90 minutes to play. While I suspect certain sangomas are cackling away happily up north, my Twitter (www.twitter.com/nealcol) and Facebook feeds have been awash with aggrieved AmaKhosi claiming this is unfair. And if have to agree.

But if Parker feels hard done by, consider the case of the great Denis Law on January 28, 1961.

Playing for Manchester City against Luton Town, the Scotland legend scored a record SIX goals in an FA Cup tie – but his performance (and the 6-2 scoreline) was rubbed from the record books when the game was abandoned after 69 minutes due to a waterlogged pitch.

On February 1 the game was replayed – and Luton won 3-1. The scorer that day? A very unhappy Denis Law!

The statisticians claim Law is the only man to score seven times and lose a game. They also point out that those six goals would have him the 20^th century’s leading FA Cup goal-scorer. Instead, that record went to Liverpool’s Ian Rush (44) with Law second on 41.

Read the full story of Kaizer Chiefs sense of abandonment in www.thenewage.co.za in my Neal & Pray column on Tuesday.

You can also see my assessment of the weekend's action in South Africa and abroad during Classic Play on eTV Sunrise, DSTV 134, tomorrow morning at 7.15am.

Nerves, nails and underpants: all you need to know about the final round of Premier League action today

Gunner be tough: How I may look on eTV tomorrow morning

For those frantically chewing nails before the Premier League finale, some facts:

1 If QPR hold Manchester City to a draw today and United win, Sir Alex takes his 13^th title.

2 If QPR fail as expected and Sunderland lose to United, City take it on goal difference.

3 If both Manchester giants win (or lose), City win the title for the first time since 1968.

4 If Arsenal beat West Brom, they take third and a guaranteed Champions League spot.

5 If Spurs finish fourth, they must wait and see if Chelsea win in Munich.

6 The Blues will qualify for Europe if they lift the Champions League against Bayern.

7 Robin van Persie needs one goal to equal Alan Shearer’s record of 31 goals.

8 If Bolton win and QPR lose, the Hoops are relegated with Blackburn and Wolves.

9 If Spurs and Arsenal lose and Newcastle win, Alan Pardew completes his dream.

10 If Arsenal lose, I will wear underpants on my head on eTV Sunrise tomorrow.

Yes, d-day has dawned. At the top, middle and bottom of the most watchable football league in the world, fans are currently gathering with frayed nerves around the world.

In Manchester, as Nick Hornby might say, things are at fever pitch. Roberto Mancini’s expensive gathering of international stars, spearheaded by Yaya Toure, must win against QPR at the Etihad Stadium to guarantee their first championship since 1968, when Santa Claus was a lad.

Anything less than that – a draw or an unthinkable defeat – will leave the door wide open for United and Sir Alex Ferguson, who has won 12 of the 19 Premier League titles since the old First Division succumbed in 1992.

This morning, the BBC carry these quotes from City’s Argentine full-back Pablo Zabaleta: "We're only 90 minutes away from making history. If we succeed it is probably the start of a new era for this club."

More worrying than my underpants, Robert Mancini has promised to get a tattoo if City succeed.

United have dominated the Premier era, with Arsenal and Chelsea winning three each and Blackburn one since the dark, distant days of football highlights and terrestrial television coverage.

QPR are, of course, managed by one Mark Hughes. Sparky thrilled Old Trafford in his playing days and will be intent on producing the ultimate spring surprise against City, the club responsible for his unjust sacking and replacement by Mancini.

If the former United striker and City reject does the job and wins a point against City today, it will be perhaps the greatest shock in modern footballing history. But don’t bet against it.

A point will also secure Premier League status for QPR, who change managers more often than I change my Spiderman underpants.

If Bolton win against Stoke and QPR lose, the Hoops will join hopeless Wolves and Blackburn in League One next season.

Then we come to the battle for Champions League qualification, where a point could mean R200m today.

Arsenal are in poll position to take third place despite their woeful 3-3 draw against Norwich last week. Arsene Wenger has been unable to shore up his dodgy defence at the squeaky bottom end of the season and he faces a West Brom side saying farewell to new England boss Roy Hodgson today.

To find out my views on my old coach Woy, simply google “Neal Collins Roy Hodgson”. It’s gone global.

My desperate attempts to call Woy, who coached me when I was 13, have failed. He has no idea what a Baggies win will do to me. As a sideshow, Robin van Persie needs just one more goal to equal the Premier League record of 31.

And of course, if Spurs beat Fulham – and they should at White Hart Lane – Harry Redknapp and the Gooners’ arch-rivals will snatch third if Arsenal draw or lose. Lurking behind the pair of North London wannabes are Newcastle, who could take that third spot if they win at Everton and Spurs and Arsenal lose.

It’s all too much for some. I have promised to wear my nearly-unique and often-admired Spiderman underpants on my head tomorrow on eNews Sunrise’s Classic Play if Arsenal fail. If Mother’s Day prevents you from watching the action this afternoon at 3pm (4pm in South Africa) tune in tomorrow at 7.30am, DSTV channel 134 to find out. The underpants will be on my head. And I will be thoroughly miserable.

Should you miss that, try eNews and Collins Corner at 8.15am on DSTV 403. And read Neal and Pray in The New Age on Tuesday for the full extent of my misery. Arsene Wenger, please don’t do this to me.

You can follow me on www.twitter.com/nealcol and www.facebook.com/nealivorcollins.

The news every Gooner dreads: moneybags Manchester City keen on Robin van Persie

IT’S official. The news every Gooner has been dreading. Manchester City and their ridiculously rich backers have targeted Arsenal’s goalden Dutchman Robin van Persie. Arsene Wenger won’t be surprised. He’s already seen Kolo Toure, Emmanuel Adebayor, Gael Clichy and Samir Nasri head north to Eastlands, lured by the oil-soaked Dirhams on offer from Sheikh Mansour in Abu Dhabi. Arsenal’s bank balance may have improved, but as every Gooners knows, they’re struggling to compete without that handy quartet. Now Roberto Mancini, with his side top of the Premier League, had told The Sun in London: “All good teams are interested in him. At this moment, Robin van Persie is one of the best strikers in Europe with Lionel Messi, Cristiano Ronaldo, Sergio Aguero and Mario Balotelli.” Bloody Mancini. He’s already got Aguero and Balotelli on his books. Edin Dzeko isn’t bad. Adebayor is on loan at Spurs and Carlos Tevez is lurking somewhere in the twilight between an apology and Argentina. Five world class strikers is an expensive luxury. Six would be ridiculous. But Mancini is only too aware that without Van Persie, Arsenal would be taken out of the equation as a Premier League threat. With 25 goals this season, he leads the English goalscoring charts by seven from Wayne Rooney. Without those goals, Arsenal probably be languishing somewhere just blow the middle of the tables, with fans at the Emirates Stadium having a right go at Gervinho, Maroune Chamakh and Theo Walcott every week. Arsenal’s potential demise only encourages Mancini, who said: "We are interested in all good players. If there is a good player who wants to leave a club, then we are interested.” Mancini, like Pep Guardiola at Barcelona and Jose Mourinho if he stays at Real Madrid after winning La Liga this season, won’t be put off by Van Persie’s repeated claims of loyalty to Wenger. At 28, he’s out of contract at the end of 2013. The giants are waiting to swoop, with money no object if Van Persie doesn’t sign a new deal before the end of the winter. Mancini claims: "If Van Persie leaves I don't think he will be cheap because he has one year left on his contract. If, for example, you wanted to buy Napoli's Edinson Cavani he would be maybe £30million. "I think Van Persie will sign a new contract. He is Arsenal's best player and it is difficult for them to give him to another club. "I think he is a fantastic striker but I think he will remain with Arsenal." Then why talk about him at all Roberto?

Why Chelsea continue to dominate the headlines... for all the wrong reasons

MUST be a hell of a dressing room at Chelsea. If you believe everything the tabloids are currently throwing at us every morning, it's packed with international footballers taking pictures of themselves naked to blonde models.

First we had the John Terry story - his affair and subsequent abortion with Wayne Bridge's ex-partner Vanessa Perroncel resulted in him losing the England captaincy.

Then, when French underwear model Ms Perrroncel had been paid an alleged £750,000 to stop, The Sun switched targets to Ashley Cole, married to the nation's darling, Cheryl Tweedie.

Today were are told he sent naked pictures of himself to a SECOND blonde, and apparently Cheryl didn't spend much time together on Valentine's Day.

Page five of The Sun has a magnificent picture of ultraslim Cole, pictured from the chest down with just a pair of underpants on. Mouthwatering stuff it ain't.

Elsewhere, on page nine, Terry and wife Toni are pictured in a pool in Dubai, where they are patching up their marriage. Allegedly. In front of the cameras.

Other papers add further spin to the Chelsea goings-on. The Mail claims Ashley and Cheryl are now living apart and has accused Terry of play-acting throughout the trip to Dubai.

Of course the former England captain had to miss Chelsea's FA Cup fifth round tie over Cardiff to sort things out with Toni, his childhood sweetheart.

While he was away, having blundered in their last Premier League game against Everton (Terry was at fault for both Louis Saha's goals in a shock 2-1 defeat), the Blues crushed Cardiff to reach the quarter-finals on the road to Wembley.

And that of course, resulted in a last eight clash with Manchester City, who drew with Stoke over the weekend and will need a replay to reach Stamford Bridge next month.

Why is this relevant? Because Bridge moved to City last January, leaving Vanessa in London with his son. Somewhere around this point in our tawdry tale, his former pal Terry began stopping off at their Oxshott neighours for post-training hanky-panky.

Over the weekend, the News of the World assured us Bridge refuses to respond to Terry's calls or texts about his betrayal. But now we have the prospect of Bridge v Terry in the Premier League on February 27, the pair of them in the England dressing room together for the friendly against Egypt at Wembley on March 3, followed by the FA Cup quarter final the weekend after.

Yes, having been at loggerheads for a few months, they'll now be forced to see eachother three times in a week.

The tabloids are lapping it up. I assume the fans are too. A Man City source tells The Sun today: "Wayne acted with dignity and he doesn't need anyone to tell him what this FA Cup game would mean.

"If City needed any extra motivation to beat Stoke and get back to Stamford Bridge, this will be it."

Meanwhile Ashley Cole, whose broken ankle sustained against Everton last week has left a place for Bridge at left-back in the England team - possibly for the World Cup too - has to hope Cheryl will invite him for a let's-make-up holiday in an expensive overseas resort sometime soon. Though he will be in a plaster cast after undergoing surgery on Friday, so it may be uncomfortable for both of them.

The real football stories - like Crystal Palace being robbed of victory over Aston Villa by a dodgy decision , England struggling to overcome Italy in the Six Nations and David Beckham preparing to take on Manchester United for Milan in the Champions League tomorrow, must remain on the back burner.

That's what happens when you have the Premier League leaders’ high profile stars making silly mistakes away from home.

Battle of the Gunslingers: Wilshere the kid has the edge over Vieira the veteran... but City win, Pompey lose their Grant

MANCHESTER CITY'S predictable 2-0 win over Bolton Wanderers, courtesy of a Carlos Tevez penalty and an Emmanuel Adebayor clincher, equally predictably left Owen Coyle fuming.

But those of us of an north London bent were more intrigued by the midfield battle of Gunslingers: the veteran Patrick Vieira, recently arrived at Eastlands from Inter Milan, against Luke Wilshere, on loan from Vieira's old club Arsenal.

French World Cup-winner Vieira, born in Senegal 33 years ago, still has the height but lacks the legs of his Arsenal heydays next to Emmanuel Petit and Gilberto Silva. He looked, in his second appearance back in the Premier League, like the fire which once blazed so brightly had gone out.

Yet there he was, shuffling around the pitch ahead of the superb Steve Ireland. Curious.

Wilshere, making his first start for Bolton, was dynamic, busy and feisty as he eagerly sought to help Wanderers recover from the early penalty.

It came when the excellent Adam Johnson, the former Middlesbrough winger with one eye on a shock place in England's World Cup squad, was brought down by Paul Robinson.

But in the end it was Vieira's inch-perfect long-ball for another former Arsenal man, Emmanuel Adebayor, that clinched it as the Togo striker, caught up in the Cabinda shootings, made it 2-0 with a brilliant finish.

And that was it. Game, set and match to Vieira, despite his advancing years. Shortly afterwards Wilshere was taken off in the 77th minute - with Andy Gray admitting on Sky: "He brings quality to this side. He's a neat, tidy footballer."

Makes you wonder why the young Englishman isn't still at the Emirates Stadium playing ahead of expensive foreign non-entities like Denilson, Tomas Rosicky and Samir Nasri. But who am I to tell Arsene Wenger how to pick his side?

Vieira said: "It was hard but do I look that old? Obviously we're strong enough to finish in the top four."

Coyle, who abandoned Burnley for Bolton in January, felt his side were denied two penalties and claimed: "All the decisions went against us."

At Portsmouth, boss Avram Grant was sent off in their 1-1 draw against Sunderland. Grant, caught up in a Thai Massage row in recent days, rubbed referee Kevin Friend up the wrong way after seeing Ricardo Rocha sent off.

Friend originally showed Algerian Hassan Yebda the red card for the challenge which led to Darren Bent's goal (above) from the penalty spot - but, as a true Friend should do, he did the right thing and sent off the right man. But Grant was fuming and his half-time rant was enough to consign him to the grandstand, where he struggled to find a seat.

Sunderland had Cattermole sent off in the second half but even with ten versus ten, rock-bottom Pompey, facing a winding-up order today, couldn't find the net.

It was only when David Mayler's dismissal left Sunderland with nine they found the space for Jamie O'Hara to set up Aruna Dindane for the late, late equaliser.

Grant gathered his players in a huddle at the whistle and said: "I cannot fight against all the world."

Fulham had few problems, scoring three without reply against Burnley, much to my old coach Roy Hodgson's relief. Danny Murphy, David Elm and Bobby "Bobatov" Zamora got the goals at Craven Cottage.

Hardly a shock result though. Burnley last triumphed at Fulham when they were both Third Division clubs in October, 1980. Burnley's first scorer in a 2-0 win that night was an 18-year-old Brian Laws - now a very worried manager on the way home to Turf Moor.

At the JJB, Wigan went ahead through Paul Scharner but Tuncay levelled for Stoke in a 1-1 draw.

Oh, and what about the much-neglected Johnsons Paints Northern final? Leeds, slowly subsiding after their FA Cup shock over Manchester United, contrived to lose it and Carlisle will go to Wembley despite losing the match 3-2 on the night.

That result left the tie at 4-4 after extra-time and Carlisle won the penalty shoot-out 6-5 in sudden-death with defender Shane Lowry, on loan from Aston Villa, having the crucial spot-kick blocked by Adam Collin.

Greg Abbott, clearly in shock, said afterwards: "We have competed against a massive club and won. The penalty shoot-out was pretty scary but that's Carlisle all over."

Southampton join them in the final after being MK Dons 3-1 in the Southern Final at St Mary's to take the tie 4-1 on aggregate.

Best story of the night? West Brom - 2-0 winners against Scunthorpe - went top of the Championship on goal difference from Newcastle, beaten 3-0, yes 3-0 at Derby. What? The Rams were 18th in the table! Surely the Toon can't mess up their promotion charge now?

The story they've finally allowed us to print: John Terry: The full and awful truth

ENGLAND captain John Terry will have his life turned upside down this weekend after an injunction preventing allegations of an affair were lifted today.

Tomorrow I am tasked with appearing on Sky News to debate the morals on press freedom versus privacy at 9.10am. Even when we're talking footballers, it’s not an easy topic.

Terry, who has already seen his father Ted publicly accused of drug peddling and his mother Sue revealed as a shop-lifter, now faces accusations of an affair with a former team-mate’s partner.

According to most sources – including tomorrow’s Mirror, Sun, Daily Mail and Telegraph - the story involves his England team-mate Wayne Bridge’s long-term partner, French actress and model, Vanessa Perronce. Bridge was at Chelsea with Terry before he moved to Manchester City last year in a £14m deal.

Terry successfully prevented last Sunday’s News of the World from publishing details and photographs but today Mr Justice Tugendhat overturned that interim ruling, insisting the information was in "wide circulation amongst those involved in the sport in question, including agents and others, and not just amongst those directly engaged in the sport".

The judge added: "Freedom to live as one chooses is one of the most valuable freedoms, but so is the freedom to criticise".

News of the World legal manager Tom Crone welcomed the decision as "a long overdue breath of fresh air and common sense" and insisted: "Over recent years, there has been more prior restraint on freedom of speech in Britain than in any other democratic country in the world.

"Gagging orders like the one sought by John Terry have been granted to numerous other Premier League footballers and assorted celebrities."

But Chelsea responded: "This is a personal matter for John Terry. The club will give John and his family all the support they need in dealing with it."

Terry, 29, married childhood sweetheart Toni Poole in 2007 (see picture) and is the father of twins. He is expected to captain England at this summer's World Cup finals in South Africa. But according to websites, Terry’s actions have seen team-mate Bridge, also expected to be in the World Cup squad, to question his international future. He has won 36 caps for England. Bridge and Perronce had a son, Jaydon, in November 2006 but split last month.

Tonight the Mirror columnist Oliver Holt has already called for Terry to remain as England captain, suggesting only his performances on the field really matter. I beg to differ, as I will point out on Sky News tomorrow. To read the fully gory details, simply googe “John Terry Wayne Bridge abortion”. It’s not pleasant.

United and Fergie: defying all the laws of logic

MANCHESTER UNITED should be a club struggling to survive. Their elderly manager (right) has been in charge for 23 years and is always in trouble with referees. They are owned by penny-pinching American clock makers called Glazer. The News of the World claims today they paid 287 different companies a total of £94million over two years, quite apart from sorting the players' exorbitant salaries. And, right now, their defence is missing Rio Ferdinand, Nemanja Vidic, Wes Brown, Gary Neville, Jonny Evans and Edwin van der Sar.

But this weekend they moved to within two points of Chelsea at the top of the Premier League with an emphatic 4-0 win at West Ham inspired by Paul "I want to retire" Scholes. And that pensioner Sir Alex Ferguson, in charge for his 1,300th game, was all smiles after playing Patrice Evra as an emergency centre-back and grinning: "He's the smallest centre-half in the world but I would have no problems using him there in Europe this week."

United have already qualified for the knock-out stages of the Champions League of course. And while Chelsea and Arsenal crashed out of the Carling Cup this week, Fergie's fledglings surged into the semi-finals.

It just doesn't make any sense. Fergie should be writhing in discomfort, beset by injuries, foreign ownership, a dodgy hip and rich rivals. Instead, he's on top of the world and heading, after Chelsea's dramatic 2-1 defeat at Manchester City yesterday, for a successful Premier League title defence.

Year after year the Red Devils over-achieve, while Chelsea (new manager, sugar-daddy owner, hardly any injuries) slip in strange places - their goalkeeper Petr Cech did them no favours in at Eastlands and neither did Frank Lampard, who missed his first penalty in 22 attempts going back two seasons. City should have been pegged back to an eighth successive draw, instead they helped rivals United close that gap emphatically.

Arsenal (younger manager, well-run club, a few injuries) recovered from their devastating trio of defeats against Sunderland, Chelsea and Manchester City with a 2-0 win over Stoke but are a distant eight points behind the leaders. And anyone who saw Emmanuel Eboue's incredible goal-line deny his captain Cesc Fabregas knows Arsene Wenger's men remain in disarray. Only Andrei Arshavin, beavering away on his own up front, shows any real spark. With Robin van Persie and Nicklas Bendtner injured and Eduardo and Carlos Vela not up to the job, Wenger should have bought a replacement for Emmanuel Adebayor up front.

While Fergie was replacing Cristiano Ronaldo with the quality of Antonio Valencia, Wenger did nowt. While United blend Ryan Giggs and Scholes with the up-and-coming Darron Gibson, Arsenal and Chelsea sell off their young academy players and keep faith in moderate foreign youngsters. Perhaps now we are starting to see why United do it year after year.

And then there's Liverpool. Held 0-0 at Blackburn yesterday, they thought Rafa Benitez would be their Ferguson, the man to restore Anfield to the Euro-dominating Shankly/Fagan/Dalglish heights they reached 30 years ago. But that incredible early Champions League success in Istanbul proved a fluke. They are now 12 points off the top in seventh, leaving Manchester City, Aston Villa and Spurs to threaten their annual place in the top four.

Villa, who can perhaps claim Martin O'Neill has all the attributes of a young Fergie, crushed Hull 3-0 to maintain their top six form. But the main image at Villa Park was the tearful reaction of Jimmy Bullard, their record £5m signing from Fulham, to his latest knee injury. Meanwhile his old club continue to thrive under my old boss "Woy" Hodgson and Spurs failed to move past rivals Arsenal in third when they were held 2-2 by Everton. Ironically, American Tim Howard, Manchester United's old No1 sold off by Fergie, saved the late Jermain Defoe penalty which would have won it for Spurs.

Elswhere, Portsmouth and Wolves both produced their third wins of the season against Burnley and Bolton while Birmingham are looking secure in their top-flight status after a 3-2 win at inconsistent Wigan.

Hey big spenders! How do Spurs do it?

BACK page of my beloved but soon-to-die London Lite today (e-edition.thelondonlite.co.uk) had to be all about Spurs and their record profits. Last year, according to the accountants, they made over £33m, up from a meagre £3m last year.
But further analysis reveals chairman Daniel Levy has done more than just balance the books with Harry Redknapp over the past 12 months. Miraculously, given this set of results, my sums show they have actually spent almost £150m in 16 months, with Juande Ramos (Roman Pavlyuchenko, Luka Modric, Heurelho Gomes) doing the early buying before Harry came in and re-signed departed Spurs favourites Robbie Keane and Jermain Defoe plus, more recently, Sebastien Bassong, Niko Kranjcar and Peter Crouch.
Yes, while North London rivals Arsenal scrabble for scraps (okay, Andrey Arshavin (£16m) and Thomas Vermaelen (£10m) were good buys, but we've hardly seen a mega-spree from Arsene Wenger) Spurs have splashed out £150m since the summer before last - only mega-bucks Manchester City in the Premier League and, further afield, Real Madrid can beat that.
Spurs spent £119.3m in the year ending June 2009, but their books don't show the further £29.4m spent on Crouch, Bassong and Kranjcar, which puts quite a big dent in that record profit of £33.4m.
Arsenal, Manchester United, Chelsea, Liverpool? Not even close on the spending front. How the hell do Spurs do it, on smaller crowds with recession-hit backers... and they're redeveloping White Hart Lane, building a new training ground and... I dunno.
Look, here's the Lite quotes from Levy, make of them what you will in the light of their spending: "We have made significant progress in delivering on our long-term vision for the club. We have always had three key priorities and you will have heard them oft repeated - investment in the first team, a new training centre and an increased capacity, state-of-the-art new stadium.
"We have assembled what we believe to be one of the most talented squads we have had during our time in the Premier League, the ground is being turned and pitches laid for the new training centre at Bulls Cross in Enfield and we have submitted a planning application for a stunning new stadium on a site next to our existing stadium."
Levy is in talks over a new shirt sponsorship contract from next season, with the deal with Mansion set to expire at the end of the current campaign. God on the shirts next year perhaps? They'll need Him to maintain those spending levels!
Oh, and son Harry has just called from the car. England's cricketers, after that bright start to their tour in South Africa, went into game three in Bloemfontein today - their first Twenty20 of the safari against South Africa A - expecting another stonking win. I hear they were all out for 89. Gulp. South Africa's also-rans got there with 15 balls and four wickets to spare. And what did I say in the Lite today? I quoted Graeme Swann saying they'd be fine without captain Andrew Strauss, who doesn't get on with the shortest version of the game. He got 72 and 117 not out in those first two 50-over wins. Only Alistair Cook (22), Eoin Morgan (11) and Paul Collingwood (18) got double-figures today. Ouch. Check out Swanny and James Anderson on twitter.com later. There may be belated fireworks!