The Hand of Yid: Defoe cheats to see Spurs through. You just can't deny it.

After the Hand of God and the Hand of Frog, it would be deeply unfair to ignore the latest great footballing injustice: The Hand of Yid.

Look, there’s no denying it. Just because he’s a lovable little Englishman, Jermain Defoe can’t be allowed to get away with the blatant handball which turned last night’s Champions League qualifier Tottenham’s way at White Hart Lane. It’s cheating. It’s wrong. UEFA should look at the tapes and punish both the player and the club.

Isn’t that what we English cry whenever Johnny Foreigner uses a hand to gain advantage?

Argentina’s Diego Maradona has never been forgiven for punching one in against England in 1986, Frenchman Thierry Henry is still roundly condemned for his basketballing antics against Ireland in last year’s World Cup play-off and Luis Suarez was castigated (but not castrated) for briefly becoming an extra goalkeeper when Uruguay scraped through their quarter-final against Ghana at the World Cup in July.

Throw them out, we cried. Ban them forever, the headlines proclaimed.

So why should Defoe’s cheating be treated any differently? Can you imagine if the boot had been on the other erm... hand? Spurs fans, who like to call themselves Yids in the club’s faintly self-parodying Jewish tradition, love to complain. Ever since the double in 1961, they’ve been going on and on. Their manager, Harry Redknapp, never has enough over-paid players and always has more traumatised injury victims that an episode of Casualty.

I say it’s time for neutrality, since we’re dealing with the harmless (and armless) Swiss. Imagine how Young Boys, 3-2 after up the first leg in Bern, must have felt with that lucrative place in the group stages at stake? Peter Crouch headed the opener to level the “£20million” tie after just five minutes, then Defoe committed his unforgiveable sin.

With the ball dropping behind him, the 5ft 7in mini-dynamo clearly controlled the ball with the crook of his left arm before turning neatly past protesting Swiss defenders to slot home the winner. Great finish, clear handball.

Crouch made it 3-1 after an hour (5-3 on aggregate), and Defoe then found himself substituted while goalkeeper Heurelho Gomes, who had been begging to be subbed after an early injury, was left out in the rain by boss Redknapp. Curious.

Crouch was given the ball when the ever-impressive Gareth Bale was brought down in the box with ten minutes left, and duly scored his third – only the second European Cup hat-trick in Tottenham’s history.

But to focus on Crouch’s scoring ability – on and off the field – would be to miss the point.

Defoe did his best to explain away the use of his arm in scoring, and the guilty look before he commenced celebrating his goal. He said: "There may have been a bit of an arm, but you take them all. I did have a glance at the referee." With the ref, linesman and new-fangled “sixth official” next to the goal all missing his one-armed banditry, Defoe had little choice but to grin sheepishly at the post-match cameras. Before the game of course,

Defoe had let it be known he needed a hernia operation (he will have surgery tomorrow and misses England’s first two Euro 2012 qualifiers against Bulgarlia and Switzerland) but was prepared to play through the pain against Young Boys. He added: "Everyone wants to play in the Champions League. On Tuesday nights, you don't want to be at home watching Eastenders.”

But Spurs provided the soap opera moments in the teeming rain of north London last night. The little sinner, the cockney market trader shouting the odds from the sidelines, the massed ranks of anxious extras... and a starring role for the the lanky bloke caught in the love triangle. It was all there, complete with the fairy-tale ending.

It's Argentina v Germany in Cape Town and the real World Cup may start right here

Just down the road from me at the Velmore Estate, the Germans have left for Cape Town and their biggest challenge of this World Cup. Argentina in the quarter-final at Green Point on Saturday. Some game.

In 1986 and 1990, these two old rivals contested the final. Germany won a forgettable showdown 1-0 in Rome amid much referee-pushing and controversy.

This World Cup can’t afford another debacle like that. Too many games – Spain’s tired win over Portugal, Paraguay’s penalty shoot-out defeat of Japan – have left fans hoping for better.

I think they are be about to see that as the quarter-finals roll out across South Africa.

The Germans, normally such thorough planners, have had a few set-backs here. First came news that their luxurious Velmore base near remote Erasmia had no planning permission and had been built on the Hennops River flood plain.

They got over that, settled in... and crushed Australia 4-0 in their opening game. But then came a shocking 1-0 defeat against stubborn Serbia and everything was back in the balance. Their final group win over Ghana sent them through as Group D winners against Group C runners-up England.

A cracking 4-1 win dismantled the old enemy, with Wayne Rooney and Co travelling home in disgrace after “that” goal from Frank Lampard was disallowed, in the style of 1966.

And now the German’s topsy-turvy campaign moves to Cape Town, 1,000 miles south, a two-hour flight... where they must meet Argentina, who boast perhaps the most talented squad at this World Cup.

Argentina have been preparing about 20 miles away at Pretoria University’s High Performance Centre. South Africa’s administrative capital has been buzzing with Argentines for three weeks now. They’re everywhere, lapping up the South Africa experience.

And while England, France and Italy went home under a cloud, the atmosphere under the slightly crazy Diego Maradona has been awesome. At the end of every training session, dodgy Diego lines up his five-a-side losers and allows his victors to pelt their victims proffered bottoms with a firmly struck Jabulani.

It may be a super light World Cup ball, but boy it can sting. But cigar-puffing Maradona’s levity appears to work a lot better than the strict discipline and unsmiling regime of Fabio Capello and Ramond Domenech.

Capello appears to have avoided the chop for misreading the World Cup campaign, Domenech may yet face the guillotine for his part in France’s nearly pointless appearance at this World Cup.

But for Maradona, who has been bitter criticised throughout qualifying, everything is turning up roses.

After struggling to emerge from the exhausting CONMEBOL qualifying campaign in fourth place, Argentina started with a 1-0 win over Nigeria, then came wins over South Korea and Greece. Along with Holland, they were the only perfect group winners with nine points, scoring seven goals and conceding just one.

Then came a rousing 3-1 win over Mexico in their first knock-out game at Loftus Versfeld on Sunday. Argentina appear ready to join the Latin American party at this World Cup, with a CONMEBOL nation contesting every quarter-final.

Like Ghana, Holland and Spain, the battle to overcome Latin American opposition and reach the last four is about to begin in earnest.

Maradona refused to get involved in a war of words with the Germans, saying simply: “They said I had no idea about how to coach. But suddenly I am winning matches and I am still the same guy."

But how about this from Germany’s Bastian Schweinsteiger. He witnessed the unseemly row after a clearly off-side Carlos Tevez goal in the win over Mexico and said: “You could see their behavior at half-time against Mexico. When you look at their body language and gesticulations, the way they try to influence the referees, they have no respect. It's their mentality and character, and we'll have to adjust.”

And this from Thomas Mueller, scorer of two goals in as many minutes in the epic win over England. Maradona thought he was a ball-boy when they first met, and Mueller growls: "Now I have won two titles and played in the Champions League with Bayern, so a few things have changed. As a coach I can't judge him but the results and the convincing way Argentina are playing means he is doing things right.”

Germany, fielding their youngest World Cup squad in 70 years, are the unpredictable side in the last eight. Maradona’s once-inconsistent squad appear to be the dominant force. For once, I’ll back the Germans. But only because Maradona is bonkers!

Neal Collins is in South Africa to mourn for England and promote his first novel A GAME APART. See www.nealcollins.co.uk.

The first penalty shoot-out of the World Cup: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kM8TJJ6RIqo

To see him perform at the National Arts Festival on July 4, go tohttp://www.computicket.com/web/event/neal_collins_a_game_apart/148367625.

Argentina and South Korea through from World Cup Group B as Nigeria rue their greatest miss and Greece park their bus

SO Greece, as the joke goes, slipped up. They parked their bus, double-deckered by all accounts, in front of their goal and let Argentina throw the lot at them in Polokwane.

On a night that will be remembered for Ayegbeni Yakubu’s unbelievable miss (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wg_4GcYOD3A) in Nigeria’s 2-2 draw against South Korea, football has triumphed. Just.

The Koreans go through with Argentina, Nigeria restored their reputation, the gruesome Greeks failed. Their defensive dullness led to their demise. That’s the beauty of World Cup football when you get down to the sharp end.

That Argentina would top Group B was never in doubt. Their opening 1-0 win over Nigeria was okay given Diego Maradona’s team selection and tactics. Their 4-1 over South Korea saw real flashes of brilliance, to be expected given the talent they have at their disposal.

Demechelis’s 78^th minute goal followed by Martin Palermo’s 36-year-old strike in the dying seconds, ensured a 2-0 win, the crazy coach toppling the bus. Dodgy Diego produced another dazzling dance of celebration. They could just go all the way.

While were two late goals in Durban, Polokwane offered far more excitement. Kala Uche nipped in to make it 1-0 after 41 minutes, but South Korea went ahead through Jungsoo and Chouyong (the first direct free-kick of the tournament with the Jabulani ball) before Everton striker Yakubu stepped up after his horrendous two-yard miss to bravely slot home from the penalty spot.

At 2-2 they needed a goal to go through, despite ending pointless after their opening two games. But a point was not enough for the Super Eagles. South Korea go through with Argentina.

Greece have spent the last three weeks camped in Durban’s luxurious Beverley Hills hotel – standard rooms start at £300-a-night even when they’re not hosting a World Cup – while their economically stricken nation tightens belts.

That they prepared in KwaZulu Natal – where winter is a concept rather than a reality – was always ridiculous. Given that they were playing all three Group B games at higher altitude or in colder climes, somebody somewhere cocked-up.

And tonight they did it again. Their unadventurous finale might have worked if they’d managed a goalless draw and Nigeria had beaten the courageous Koreans.

But no. Despite Yakubu’s blunder, the woodwork and a late miss from former Newcastle striker Obafemi Martins, Nigeria could not conjure that win.

Pity that. Africa could have done with a surprise qualifier after hosts South Africa went so close earlier in the day. They beat France 2-1 but went out on goal difference to Mexico, beaten 1-0 by Group A winners Uruguay.

Neal Collins is in South Africa to complain about England's performance and promote his first novel A GAME APART. See www.nealcollins.co.uk.

To see Neal at the National Arts Festival on July 4, go to http://www.computicket.com/web/event/neal_collins_a_game_apart/148367625.

Higuain hat-trick for Argentina and Greece smashing plates... but anybody can still make it from Group B

The real World Cup is upon us. After the phoney war of the opening games, the goals are flying thick and fast as the second round demands blood, guts... and victories.

For Greece and Nigeria, the Group B warning had already been fired in emphatic fashion by Argentina on day seven of the World Cup. The Argies beat South Korea 4-1 in South Africa 2010’s first five-goal showdown. Then the Greeks edged out the 10-man Super Eagles 2-1 to the din of smashing plates across the world.

But they’d best not celebrate too soon - all four sides can still qualify from Group B.

A surprisingly big turn-out of 31,593 in chilly Bloemfontein saw Nigeria, with huge migrant support here, opened the scoring through Kalu Uche, whose free-kick wormed it’s way through a busy box and into the net after just 16 minutes.

But Greece – also blessed with a huge ex-pat community in South Africa – didn’t collapse as they did against South Korea in their opening game. Their cause was helped by Sani Kaita’s needless red card after 33 minutes for kicking out at Vassilis Torosidis. Stupid. Referee Oscar Ruiz was left with no option.

The Greeks relished playing ten men. First Celtic striker Giorgos Samaras had his effort cleared off the line by Haruna Lukman then, with the first half nearly done, Dimitris Salpingidis fired home – but only after a huge deflection off the luckless Lukman.

And the winner came as an embarrassment to the excellent Nigerian goalkeeper Vincent Enyeama. After a series of stunning saves he could only palm out Alexandros Tzioli’s shot and there was Torosidis to finish and send Greece into raptures.

Poor old Enyeama, brilliant in the 1-0 defeat against Argentina, simply held his head. That Jabulani ball has plenty more to offer as the World Cup hits top gear. We saw just 25 goals in the 16 first round matches – a record low – but there have been 11 in the three second round games so far.

Interestingly though, the Nigerians are still in it, despite ending pointless after two games. Thanks to Enyeama restricting the Argentines to one goal at Ellis Park, a win by more than two goals against South Korea in Durban on June 22 could put them through as runners up. But that’s assuming Argentina could be bothered to beat Greece on the same day in Polokwane.

Diego Maradona’s men crushed South Korea 4-1 in the highest-scoring encounter of the tournament so far in the early kick-off in front of a throbbing Soccer City. And of course, the Koreans beaten Greece in their opening game, while Nigeria lost to the Argies.

Gonazalo Higuain was the hero of the hour – and takes his place at the top of the scorers’ list with a hat-trick against the men from Seoul.

Born in Brest, France, the 22-year-old chose to play for his father’s Albiceleste when Les Bleus tried to get him to fly the Tricolour. And before this game, the Real Madrid striker was quoted as saying: “I’m sure the goals will come.”

El Pipita did just that. After Park Cho Yung’s opening own goal for Argentina, Higuain headed his side into what looked a comfortable lead after 32 minutes. Korea pulled one back just before the break when a defensive error – which could be an otherwise impressive outfit’s Achilles heel – let Lee Chong Yong in.

But Higuain had soon restored the two-goal cushion, finishing easily after Lionel Messi had hit a post – and he completed his hat-trick and the World Cup’s best scoreline so far with Sergio Aguero, Diego Maradona’s brother-in-law, setting up the goal.

All inspired, of course, by the little genius who is Messi. And the equally tiny coach Maradona, who was leaping about on the sidelines.

Argentina have all but won this group. But the battle for second will rage on.

Neal Collins (nealcol on Twitter) is in South Africa to promote his first novel A GAME APART. For more information see www.nealcollins.co.uk. If you think the Scottish bagpipes should be banned rather than the Vuvuzela, see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p1hrMRk5FnY.

Argentina 1 Nigeria 0, a classic World Cup encounter thanks to the goalkeeper Arsenal never signed

And so to our first classic World Cup encounter. Argentina’s 1-0 win over Nigeria was no yawn-a-minute yomp for the Latin Americans with the billionaire stars. It was a victory for art over craft, blood over sweat.

From the hairstyles to the coaches, you couldn’t have asked for a greater contrast. Argentina were all Messi skills and messy hair, Nigeria kept the score down through last-gasp tackles and last-ditch defending, not to mention a string of saves from man of the match Vincent Enyeama.

Clad in canary yellow, the Nigerian goalkeeper – who once agreed a £2m fee with Arsenal a year ago - denied Barcelona’s masterful Lionel Messi three times in the first half and produced two further superb saves in the second. How he denied the little master in the 81^st minute, we’ll never know.

The 27-year-old from Hapoel Tel Aviv in Israel, was winning his 54^th cap and hard put a finger wrong. Arsene Wenger, you missed out on a super-duper Super Eagle.

But there was nothing Enyeama could do when, after just six minutes, the German-speaking Argentine Gabriel Heinze stormed in to head what turned out to be the winning goal. Quite a day for Manchester United fans. Ji-Sung Park scored a cracker for South Korea in their earlier win against Greece, and here was Heinze, a former Old Trafford star, full of beans.

Almost from the kick-off, this one oozed global quality and excitement, so unlike last night’s awful bore-draw between France and Uruguay. Another former Manchester United man, 35-year-old Juan Sebastian Veron, prompted and probed while Manchester City’s former Old Trafford striker Carlos Tevez just never stopped harrying, probing, working.

Detailed to stop this vast array of talent? One Danny Shittu, formerly of Watford and QPR, who failed to get a game in the Premier League for Bolton Wanderers last season. And he made a fair fist of it.

But it was Messi, the little man who needed growth hormone treatment to reach 5ft 6in, who glittered and shone. How many times did the Nigerians have to stop him with ghastly tackles and desperate lunges, not to mention Enyeama’s golden gloves?

And throughout, there was demented Diego Maradona, shouting and screaming, while Nigeria’s ice-cool Swedish coach Lars Lagerback whispered and prodded.

In the end, we will say Argentina have all it takes to win the World Cup, aside from a sane coach. But that doesn’t tell the story of how close Nigeria came to a leveller on the break as they struggled for 40 percent of the possession.

A day of contrast, green vuvuzelas... and a vast gathering of increasingly desperate Nigerians. They caused 15 injuries when the local migrant population attempted to gain access in a crush during their friendly against North Korea in Tembisa last week. The jolly green army were no less passionate at Ellis Park yesterday, where South Africa won the 1995 rugby World Cup, as portayed by Hollywood and Clint Eastwood in the film Invictus.

But there was to be no last-minute drop goal to change things here. Though former Newcastle striker Obafemi Martins tested Sergei Romero in the Argentine goal 12 minutes from time, it always looked like Argentina, ranked 7 in the world, were going to be a little too slick for Nigeria, ranked 21.

In truth, there were chances at both ends as the altitude burned the lungs late on. And you suspect both these sides will be too strong for South Korea, 47, who beat Greece, 13, in the opening Group B clash earlier in the day.

Especially when you consider they were able to bring on Diego Milito, the two-goal hero of Inter Milan’s Champions League final win over Bayern Munich last month, as a late sub. You have been warned, these Argentines are the best of the eight teams we’ve seen so far.

Diego Maradona: bottoms, bidets and bonkers as Nigeria game looms at Ellis Park on Saturday

DIEGO MARADONA, we have been assured, has learned to be calmer, more careful, as he prepares for Saturday’s opening World Cup clash against Nigeria and their migrant population at Ellis Park on Saturday.

So best we just forget the training pitch antics this week, when the man who won the 1986 World Cup on his own had his winning five-a-side team blast the balls at the buttocks of the losers at Pretoria’s High Performance Centre. Oh, and forget the days when he threatened to do something extremely nasty to disrespectful journalists. And the demands for expensive “bidet-toilets” in his room at one of South Africa’s top sports bases. Perhaps he just has a thing about bottoms.

The bottom line for Saturday’s opening Group C clash is that he’s planning to use all three strikers – Manchester City’s Carlos Tévez, Atletico Madrid’s Sergio Aguero and Inter Milan’s Champions League winner Diego Milito – up front against the Super Eagles. That’s some take. Winner-take-all, caution-to-the-winds, 3-4-3.

His take on arriving here this week? “You have to put all your heart into winning the World Cup. You've got to give your life."

Given the scenes at Tembisa on Sunday, when thousands of local Nigerians attempted to gain access to their friendly 3-0 win over North Korea – leaving 15 in hospital – he may be about to do just that. Ellis Park saw 43 die in a similar crush in April, 2001. Lightning won’t strike twice. But it was a sign of just how well supported the Nigerians will be at this tournament.

This morning in Brooklyn, near the Argentine camp at Pretoria University, I spent my time helping their Spanish-speaking fans book tickets for the latter stages. They are still available. I spent some time explaining to the charming South African ticket sellers that one of the moustachioed Argies had accidentally booked the last 16 clash in Port Elizabeth on June 26 instead of the one at Loftus Versfeld on the 29^th.

I attempted to explain in Spanglish: “But if you finish second in the group, you may have the right ticket!” Mr Moustache and the Argentine fans, here in surprising numbers, were having none of it. Argentina are going to win Group C, Nigeria, Greece or South Korea (who play each other earlier on Saturday at the Nelson Mandela Stadium) will have to battle it out for that second spot.

They are prepared to forget – rather quickly – the struggle Diego’s Argentina had to qualify for this World Cup. He used 107 players, failed to get the best out of the magical Lionel Messi, and they just sneaked in ahead of play-off bound Uruguay.

Maradona was accused of being muddle-minded, having no idea what system to play, of favouring his old pals in the squad. No longer. This is World Cup time. Maradona left Inter Milan’s Champions League winning defenders Javier Zanetti and Esteban Cambiasso at home and is promising to go for that revolutionary 3-4-3 formation.

Unfazed, Nigeria’s former Newcastle striker Obafemi Martins says: “There will be 150 million people at home watching the game. Messi is a good player, they’ve got Tevez too, but this is the World Cup we know it's important for all of us. That's why we're here, we've got to give our best."See Maradona's crazy training session:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_LoAwbDsk4

Flushed with success: Maradona prepares for World Cup hot seat

CONTROVERSIAL Argentina coach Diego Maradona will be flushed with success whatever happens at the World Cup in South Africa next month – after having new toilets worth R14,000 (£1,400) installed at Pretoria’s High Performance Centre.

Maradona’s team have also demanded six PlayStations, 10 hot dishes a day, three choices of pudding and a constant supply of ice cream.

Argentina are not the only team making bizarre requests of the bemused South Africans. Brazil are demanding “lots of hot coffee, cookies... but no chocolate” and a swimming pool heated to “exactly 32 degrees”. According to the Johannesburg Sunday Times, the Italians “will be bringing their own pasta”, New Zealand have called for “golf lessons for all players” while Slovakia are after “two table tennis tables and an electronic dartboard.”

Mexico, headed for a luxury venue south of Johannesburg, will bring their own priest to conduct church services in a chapel at the Thaba Ya Batswana lodge.

But as always, Maradona’s bizarre tastes are grabbing the headlines.

The bathroom facilities were good enough for England’s cricket performance squads over Christmas but Maradona demanded “E-Bidet luxury toilets” as he prepares to take the hot-seat after his side struggled to qualify for the tournament.

Maradona has had two rooms knocked together to cater for his “high standards” – sports teams generally pay R3,000-per-night for a room at the HPC.

Maradona’s specialist loos offer a heated seat, a warm air blow-dryer and front and rear bidet “wands”. Available on www.sandman.com, they are described as “the best toilet seats in the world.”

Felix Aguinaga, sent over a fortnight ago to assure all goes smoothly for Argentina said: “We made a special request about the toilet facilities. Otherwise everything is in place.”

The High Performance Centre in the centre of Pretoria is known worldwide for having superb sports facilities at an altitude of nearly 5,000 feet. Nobody has complained about the toilets before.

Colin Stier, boss of the HPC, said: “Bidet toilets are quite hard to get hold of here but we managed to track down a seat which has bidet nozzles, but to make it fit we ended up having to replace the whole bathroom too.”

“Of course we were happy to do it. If it makes Diego more comfortable during his stay then it's worth the effort.”

Maradona and his controversial Argentina squad – which includes Inter Milan’s Champions League-winning hero Diego Milito and Barcelona’s FIFA Player of the Year Lionel Messi, arrive in South Africa on Friday. Brazil will be the first squad in place when they take up residence at the brand new Fairways Hotel in Rand Park on Thursday.

So you think England have got World Cup problems... have a look at this little lot!

SO YOU thought England had problems in the build-up to the World Cup. David Beckham, Wayne Rooney, Aaron Lennon, Ashley Cole, a half-built training base, no room at the inn for the wives and girlfriends. Believe it or not, our rivals in South Africa have problems too, and their football writers aren't letting them forget it. With the provisional 30-man squads due to be named by May 11, the rumblings are being felt across the world. Have a look at this little lot with 44 days to go before the big kick-off...

GERMANY

For once the old mantra: “How come the Germans always do well at the World Cup?” is looking dodgy. Anybody who saw their awful 1-0 defeat at Munich against Argentina in March will know they’re not looking their normal efficient selves in the build-up – and they’ve got Australia, Serbia and Ghana to see off in Group D.

Let’s start at the back. Problem No1 – the goalkeeper. With Oliver Kahn retired and Stuttgart's former Arsenal goalkeeper Jens Lehmann soon to join him, Arsenal target Rene Adler is their first choice – but he broke a rib this month. The Bayer Leverkusen stopper has returned to training but Schalke's Manuel Neuer and Tim Wiese of Werder Bremen remain on standby.

At centre-back Robert Huth is a contender – but he can hardly be brimming with confidence after recent experiences at Stoke, where he saw seven goals fly past him against his former club Chelsea on Sunday.

In the midfield, Michael Ballack is hardly lighting up Stamford Bridge and his dislike of Germany assistant boss Oliver Bierhoff is public knowledge.

It’s up front they have real problems. Miroslav Klose is struggling for game time at Bayern, while LukasPodolski and Mario Gomez are struggling for goals.

Their form goal-getter, Kevin Kuranyi at Schalke 04, hasn’t played for Joachim Loew since since October 2008, when he walked out at half-time during the German clash with Russia.

Loew is under pressure to forgive Kuranyi, but he may be more concerned about the fact his contract expires on June 30, just before the quarter-finals in South Africa. And the German Federation are showing precious little enthusiasm over a new deal.

Loew says: "The situation is serious. As I have said before, our task must now be to get the players back to top form as quickly as possible. A lot can change in the coming weeks."

ITALY

Ah, the defending champions. Drawn in Group F alongside Paraguay, New Zealand and Slovakia, they’ll have no problems getting to the qualifying stages – or will they?

The football-mad Italian press are writing their side off as “Italy’s weakest ever”. Jose Mourinho’s assault on the Champions League with Inter Milan doesn’t count – he fields precious few Italians in his sizzling San Siro line-ups. Roma captain Francesco Totti finds himself being begged to go back on his international retirement at 33 – but coach Marcello Lippi has not joined the chorus.

Lippi, who announced today he will allow families in their camp at unspectacular Leriba Lodge near the Centurion cricket ground, is also reluctant to pick Sampdoria’s in-form but temperamental Antonio Cassano.

And then there’s striker Luca Toni, frozen out at Bayern and on loan at Roma, who pleads in true Peter Crouch style: "There's many of us in contention for the Italy shirt, Lippi already has his ideas on his squad. I hope to go, he knows me well.”

Way back in 1966, when North Korea sent them home early from England, the Italians were pelted with fruit when they arrived in Rome. Surely we aren’t in for a repeat?

ARGENTINA

Diego Maradona, who eased his side through South American qualification by the skin of their teeth, admits: "It's going to hurt to leave out players who have given it their all, or who are having a great season. But when you have to make a choice, someone has to be eliminated."

True. But experts in Buenos Aires fear the little man with the big hand (and the tiny dog who bites his face) will mess it up in Group B against Nigeria, Korea and Greece, choosing his elderly favourites rather than the trio of in-form Argentines show casing their talent for Jose Mourinho’s Inter Milan in the Champions League.

Inter full-back Javier Zanetti looks likely to stand aside for former Manchester United defender Gabriel Heinze, now at Marseille. And Esteban Cambiasso, responsible for keeping compatriot Lionel Messi quiet in the Champions League semi-final against Barcelona, appears to be behind another Manchester United veteran, Juan Sebastian Veron, now 35.

San Siro striker Diego Milito fears for his ticket to Johannesburg too - 36-year-old Martin Palermo has just become Boca Juniors' all-time top scorer and Maradona refers to the older man as a living legend.

The press in Buenos Aires dread Maradona making the same mistakes as he made in qualifying... too much chopping and changing, no clear tactical plan – and the world’s form player Messi will find himself lost in the chaos. Maradona’s response: "We're going to have a team that knows how to wear the Argentine colors."

BRAZIL

England may worry about the state of Wayne Rooney’s knee and gluteus maximus, but in Brazil, it’s all about Kaka’s chronic groin hernia.

Ricardo Izecson dos Santos Leite, signed by Real Madrid from Milan for a then-record £57m, was already under incredible pressure in March when Lyon came to town and put them out of the Champions League.

Florentino Perez hinted he may have made a mistake buying Kaka while his coach Manuel Pellegrini – labelled a coward by Kaka’s representative Diogo Kotschko – then announced Kaka was injured.

We saw little of the world’s greatest Brazilian until he resumed training on April 22 – his 28th birthday – but the whole of the Samba nation heaved a huge sigh of relief when he returned to action against Real Zaragoza on Sunday.

And what did he do? He scored the winner to keep the pressure on Barcelona – with a little help from Christiano Ronaldo, who laid the ball through for him to score.

But that doesn’t end the problems. Kaka is still reported to be likely to leave the Bernebeu at the end of the season, the Spanish press accuse him of saving himself for the World Cup and he has been told by doctors he will require treatment on that groin for the rest of his life.

With Ronaldinho’s powers on the wane Brazil boss Dunga is also under pressure to bring in the Brazilian-based young guns – Neymar, 17, and Paulo Henrique Ganso, 20. Both play for Santos, with Neymar scoring five goals in an 8-1 win earlier this month. But will they play ahead of experienced performers like Inter striker Adriano and Wolfsburg’s Bundesliga-winning Grafite?

Still, they’ve always got Chelsea’s man mountain Alex at the back. Tottenham's reborn Heurelho Gomes is only third in line on the goalkeeper front, behind Inter Milan No1 Julio Cesar and Roma's Doni.

FRANCE

Raymond Domenech famously told Arsene Wenger he was “pissed off” when William Gallas’s calf went one game into his comeback against Barcelona a month ago.

Perhaps that’s just a sign of the pressure the French boss is under. Two of his big names, Lassana Diarra at Real Madrid and Barcelona’s aging former Gunner Thierry Henry, are struggling for time on the pitch in La Liga, while world-weary Patrick Vieira is hardly setting the world alight since his move to Manchester City.

Nicolas Anelka is struggling for goals in the shadow of Didier Drogba at Chelsea, though Florent Malouda was looking good until his awful miss in the 7-0 win over against Stoke on Sunday. The French press talk of André-Pierre Gignac, the Toulouse forward, but he has been struggling with injury.

And Domenech’s mood wasn’t helped by last week’s problems which saw Franck Ribéry, Karim Benzema and Sidney Govou caught up in a row involving courts and under-age prostitutes. That one could run and run.

HOLLAND

On the face of it, the Dutch should be happy. The normal divisions in the camp appear to have eased and Arsenal striker Robin van Persie has returned to full fitness at just the right time for his World Cup crusade in orange.

Arjen Robben is looking imperious at Bayern while Wesley Sneijder has been magnificent for Inter, the pair of them are dominating the Champions League.

Blimey, there’s even the old warhorse Rutgerus Johannes Martinus van Nistelrooy - Ruud for short - looking fit again and banging them in for Hamburg.

But Dutch boss Bert van Marwijk fears his defence will creak in Group E against Denmark, Japan and Cameroon.

Former Arsenal man Giovanni van Bronckhorst, now at Feyenoord, is 35. So too is former Blackburn centre-half Andre Ooijer at PSV. In goal, Edwin van der Sar did what all loyal Manchester United players do and retired from international football and is resisting calls for a return at 39.

Ryan Babel, supposedly the future of Dutch football after his starring role for their Under 21 European Championship-winning side all those years ago, has not impressed again at Liverpool this season.

Oh, and that traditional Dutch split? Van Persie and Sneijder don’t get on. Fact.

PORTUGAL

Former Manchester United assistant boss Carlos Queiros has already lost three key plays in the build-up to South Africa. Chelsea right-back Jose Bosingwe and Porto pair Ruben Micael and Silvestre Varela are all crocked. Real Madrid’s Pepe is struggling and Chelsea’s Deco is getting no younger.

To complicate matters further, the Portuguese press have never forgiven Queiros for replacing their beloved Luiz Felipe Scolari at the helm. Which is probably why Queiros has situated his side in the remote Magaliesburg mountain range for the World Cup, where the Portuguese share Group G with Brazil, Korea and the Ivory Coast. No prisoners will be taken there.

Sporting Lisbon's Brazilian striker Liedson now has a Portuguese passport and is likely to team up with a certain Cristiano Ronaldo, the £90m man who has scored another glut of goals this season at new club Real Madrid.

SPAIN

It’s hard to create a crisis around the World Cup favourites with the depth the Euro 2008 champions boast. But Vicente del Bosque does have season ending injuries to Arsenal’s Cesc Fabregas and Liverpool’s Fernando Torres to deal with.

Andres Iniesta has similar problems as they head to South Africa and an easy Group H, featuring Chile, Honduras and Switzerland.

Del Bosque must also decide on his goalkeeper. Real Madrid’s Iker Casillas has been around for years and carries the captain’s armband – but the Spanish press are clamouring for Barcelona’s in-form Victor Valdes, who rarely features in the Spanish squad.

The midfield throws up similar problems, with the age-old Castillian/Catalan split likely to merit a mention as he attempts to perm four from these six: Real’s Xabi Alonso, former Barca boy Fabregas, Nou Camp’s three musketeers Xavi, Sergi Busquets and Iniesta plus Valencia's David Silva.

Truth is, the Spanish have no real weaknesses, but I thought I’d throw them in as a last-ditch attempt to upset the side most likely to lift the World Cup at Soccer City on July 11. Oh, they’re staying Potchefstroom. Last time I visited that little university town, it was as dead as a doornail. But I don’t think it will hinder them!

VERDICT

In truth, you can pick holes in the preparations of most of the footballing superpowers. My verdict? Germany, Portugal and Italy may well disappoint, Argentina will surprise despite the deadweight of Diego Maradona while Brazil and Spain, as expected, will be the major contenders. Holland? You just never know. They’ve got the firepower. I think I'll trot down the village bookies and have a punt on them at 12-1.

THE ODDS

4/1 Spain, 5/1 Brazil, 11/2 England, 8/1 Argentina, 12/1 Italy, 12/1 Germany, 12/1 Holland, 18/1 France, 25/1 Portugal, 25/1 Ivory Coast, 66/1 Ghana, 66/1 Paraguay, 66/1 Chile, 66/1 Serbia, 66/1 Mexico, 80/1 USA, 80/1 Cameroon, 100/1 Uruguay, 100/1 Greece, 100/1 Denmark, 125/1 Nigeria, 125/1 Australia, 125/1 South Africa, 150/1 Switzerland, 200/1 Slovenia, 200/1 Slovakia, 250/1 Japan, 250/1 South Korea, 350/1 Algeria, 1000/1 Honduras, 1500/1 North Korea, 2000/1 New Zealand.

The good, the mad and the Messi: Barca outgun Arsenal 4-1

WE are now able to confirm Lionel Messi is, as we have long suspected, the world’s greatest footballer. At 22 and barely 5ft 7in, he can happily claim that accolade 65 days before the World Cup kicks off in South Africa.

A quite stunning 21-minute hat-trick at the Nou Camp tonight – and a fourth goal in the dying minutes to make it 4-1 - simply beggared belief. Breathless, bemused, bewitched, we watched as he took Barcelona smoothly from doom to boom. The Champions League quarter-final second-leg against Arsenal belonged to one man, one little genius.

Arsenal's goalscorer Nicklas Bendtner admitted afterwards: "If you have to lose a game, you want to lose because the other team is playing you off the pitch. It's difficult to be behind at the Nou Camp. Messi is a phenomenal player."

A remarkably calm Arsene Wenger, facing the prospect of a sixth trophy-free season, said: "The difficulty with Messi is he’s not always in the game. But when he is, he’s unstoppable. He’s the only player who can change direction at such a pace. He is the best player in the world right now. What can you do?”

It’s hard to offer this summary of his goals for a sports journalist who named his dog Charlie George in 1972, but here it is:

THE GOOD: On 21 minutes, he crashed the equaliser into the top corner from the edge of the box with his right foot barely a minute after Arsenal had gone ahead.

THE MAD: After 37 minutes, he poached the ball in the box and chipped in with his right after a deft touch with his left to give the home side the lead.

THE MESSI: After 37 minutes, clear through, he produced the outrageous, slipping his boot under the ball to lob a flummoxed Almunia and lift the Nou Camp’s 90,000 to a mighty victory roar.

THE TERRIBLY MESSI: Just three minutes to go and Messi mesmerises the Arsenal defence, first Eboue, then Vermaelen, Almunia saves but is beaten on the rebound - through his legs.

And that really was the story of a grim night for Arsenal – it would be churlish to mention they were also plagued by another display of fussy refereeing from the whistle-happy Wolfgang Stark.

Again, like the 2-2 draw at the Emirates Stadium last week, it was a game to remember. Twenty minutes in, with the ref ruining it and Manuel Almunia making a sharp early save, Abou Diaby committed a foul on the halfway line.

For once, Stark waved play on, Samir Nasri made a nifty tackle, fed Abou Diaby... who found Theo Walcott just on-side. He broke clear but, inexplicably, decided to play in Nicklas Bendtner with only the goalkeeper to beat. Bendtner's first effort was blocked but the long leg of the floored Great Dane stretched out and bang, 1-0 to silence the whole of Catalunia.

That fiver on Arsenal to win 1-0 at 12-1 looked a good investment. Briefly. Incredible scenes in the Collins lounge and all over north London (and a small corner of the Nou Camp). Seconds later, Diaby might have found Walcott on the break again... but he chose Bendtner down the left and good possession was squandered.

Up the other end surged Barcelona and there was Messi, that giant in every aspect other than height, to crash home the equaliser barely a minute after Arsenal's unexpected opener.

Walcott certainly had the Catalans quaking. Sergio was required to bring one lesson in Theology to a premature end but escaped a yellow card.

Seconds later, Denilson’s shrewd slide tackle clearly took the ball but Messie did the old double roll and Arsenal’s Brazilian was in the book. Disgraceful refereeing. But then, as Charlie George will tell you, I am one-eyed with rose-tinted glasses.

And of course, footballing justice dictated that it was Messi who got on the end of Barca’s second with 37 minutes gone with Gael Clichy scrambling to cover and Almunia gone to ground. A great finish, Arsenal out-numbered.

Still, the first half-an-hour hadn’t been as bad as the first 30 minutes at the Emirates. Arsenal were in it, Barca weren’t having it easy.

As their boss Pep Guardiola said in the build-up: “There’s no point in being the best side in the world and losing.”

So they didn’t. Messi’s hat-trick,his fourth this year, came before half-time as he broke clear past a creaking defence bereft of William Gallas and Sol Campbell. With the world watching, he refused to take the easy route. As he swept in, the Argentine simply lobbed the advancing Almunia, face on, escaping his outstretched gloves by inches to find the net. Incredible. Andy Gray on Sky was loving every moment, but then he is Scottish. Clearly, Messi is world class. But, as the Denilson incident had indicated earlier, he’s a cheat. I'm taking stick for saying that but hey, I can only write it as I see it.

Messi was clear again before the break but his touch was heavy. He’s not perfect. But at 22 after spending puberty on growth hormones, the bloke is pretty damn close to it. He doesn't need to do the full lottery roll-over every time somebody tackles him.

Four minutes into the second half he was a touch away from goal number four as Arsenal, understandably rattled, attempted to unflabber their gasts.

In the 50^th minute, Bendtner had the ghost of a chance but he was too slow pulling the trigger. The Dane is a tad short at this level, oh for a fit Robin van Persie or an elderly Thierry Henry, left on the bench by Barca against the club for whom he still holds every major scoring record.

In the Sky commentary box, Gray assured us Barca are just too good, Messi just too perfect. Why are there so many Jocks doing English commentary? This was a time for the old bulldog spirit.

A week before at this stage, Arsenal had been two goals down but rallied to draw 2-2. And a 3-3 draw at the Nou Camp would have put the Gunners through to the last four against Inter Milan, who had earlier seen off CSKA on the artificial pitch in Moscow.

After 72 minutes, Gael Clichy’s cross found Bendtner’s head with what looked a great chance. He hit the post when it looked easier to score – but the offside flag had been raised.

The awful Tomas Rosicky was then replaced by striker Eduardo as Arsene Wenger attempted to work the miracle.

But by then, it was too late. The spell had been cast by the tiny wizard. Thank God Messi’s got Diego “Hand of God/Face of Dog” Maradona running the show for Argentina in South Africa later in the year, otherwise he’d be nailed on to win the World Cup too.

But he wasn’t finished with Arsenal yet. With three minutes left and the game over, he turned the otherwise impressive Emmanuel Eboue, beat the unimpressive Thomas Vermaelen and forced Almunia into yet another save. But the rebound was stuck firmly through the fellow-Spaniard’s legs to make it 4-0.

That was his first four-goal burst in football. Just another stage in the growing process for the little lad from Rosario. Barca 4, Arsenal 1. That made it 6-3 on aggregate. And as Arsene Wenger contemplates a sixth year of dusty trophy cabinets, Barca can contemplate just how wise they were to provide growth hormone treatment to an 11-year-old crying out for growth hormone treatment.

That’s not a tall story. That’s the miracle of Messi.

See also: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eqck5JuZtuc

And: http://bleacherreport.com/articles/374426-the-good-the-mad-and-the-messi-barca-out-gun-arsenal-in-style

I'm not like Maradona says Henry, the mouth of God

THIERRY HENRY should not be judged in the same bracket as fellow Hand-of-God user Diego Maradona. And who says so? Erm... Thierry himself.

Today we are assailed by another avalanche of self-justification and bluster from the man who cheated to put France through to the World Cup finals in South Africa next year, courtesy of a blatant handball.

Maradona did the same for Argentina in the World Cup quarter-final against England in Mexico 23 years ago but never admitted he cheated, preferring to refer to his deft finish over Peter Shilton as "the Hand of God".

Henry apparently feels he has the Mouth of God as he attempts to wriggle out of the situation he has created for himself.

The 32-year-old Frenchman has been under pressure ever since his basketball-style move helped make the crucial goal for William Gallas in Paris last week, but as the 450,000 strong Facebook petition to have the game replayed fades in FIFA's memory, the Barcelona striker says: "I was in a situation where, whatever happened, I couldn't have won. At a certain point I thought I had done something very seriously wrong. After the game I went to a press conference to say I had touched the ball with my hand.

"That is not like Maradona or Messi (his Barcelona team-mate Lionel also scored with his hand once, perhaps the Nou Camp has an expert on hand to explain this), I could have easily avoided it and not said a word.

"But I did not run away from my responsibilities. On Friday, when everything went too far, I was really upset."

Hold on a bit Thierry, most of Ireland and the rest of the football-speaking world were upset too. With you. And it hasn't helped that the perfectly acceptable idea of a replay - agreed as "the fairest solution" by you and a million others - appears to have been firmly shelved by FIFA.

Despite yesterday's claim that he nearly quit playing for France over the incident, Henry adds: "I've always fought for Les Bleus. Like a dog. I won't let my country down."

No, Thierry, you've already done that. Last Wednesday. With your left arm.

And like Maradona, that single act will define your career.

Latest on France v Ireland... the three options

Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen has called on Fifa, football's world governing body, to order a replay, saying he would raise the issue with French President Nicolas Sarkozy at a Brussels summit.
But France's Prime Minister Francois Fillon responded that the Irish government should not interfere in footballing decisions.
I'm on Sky News at 8.45am talking about this subject, please scroll through what I've written below and feel free to comment. If good points are made, I'll mention them on Sky tomorrow.

Facebook's petition for a replay has reached over 105,000 people, many of them French and backing the bid. There are over 100 pictures of Thierry Henry in various astonishing poses too... see left as a part of the ever-popular Jedward from X Factor. Some of them are not quite suitable for a family website!
The way I see it there are three options:
1: Ban Henry for intentional handball, a red card offence. First two matches of the World Cup finals?
2: Replay the game. They got the unscheduled third clash between Algeria v Egypt on in four days, why not this, when you consider Uzbekistan v Bahraine and Arsenal v Birmingham (FA Cup, after Kanu neglected to stop for an injury).
3: Issue a public apology to the Irish people and put France through, punish the Swedish officials by throwing them out of the World Cup.
I'm afraid the last option is the most likely. But wouldn't it be bloody wonderful if, for once, the cheats were taught a lesson and a replay was awarded, at a neutral venue, with a 0-0 scoreline? Next thing you know, England will get a replay against Argentina to make up for 1986!

Replay? Justice? It's not going to happen

SO the Irish, like most other right-minded football fans, want a replay. They feel Thierry Henry's blatant handball - understandable but unforgivable - robbed them of their place at the World Cup finals in South Africa next year.
As of now, the Republic of Ireland are out, beaten 2-1 in extra-time thanks to Henry's basketball-style move just wide of the right upright which resulted in a cross to make William Gallas's decisive header.
Henry can be clearly seen explaining afterwards that he had cheated as he sat with distraught Irishman Richard Dunne. He hasn't gone quite that far since, simply admitting: "I did handle the ball, but I am not the referee."
And as the clamour for justice mounts, the Republic's charming Italian manager Giovanni Trapattoni insists: "This situation has to give a chance to who is responsible to rethink. It can be repeated in the future and we have to stop it."
But he accepts: "When a referee decides a game has finished I know it is impossible to replay the game."
Even the Swedish press have blasted their trio of officials for failing to spot the greatest handball since Diego Maradona circa 1986. Aftonbladet said: "There are approximately 80 million Irishmen around the world. We guarantee they all feel pretty bad today.
"But I sincerely hope there are three Swedes that feel even worse.
"They are Martin Hansson and (referee's assistants) Stefan Wittberg and Fredrik Nilsson. There will be no World Cup for Ireland and I assume that Team Hansson has also forfeited its right to continue to take charge of major international matches.
"Anything else would be a further insult to the Irish nation."
A replay might ease the pressure on the three Swedes too, but Fifa have already released a statement saying: "The hand ball was recognised by the Fifa commissioner, the referee observer and the match officials, as well as by the player himself.
"There is precedent for the invalidation of such results. In 2005, the bureau of the Fifa World Cup organising committee reached a decision to invalidate the result of a World Cup qualification match between Uzbekistan and Bahrain on the basis of a 'technical error by the referee of the match'.
"But Law 5 of the Laws of the Game states that: The decisions of the referee regarding facts connected with play, including whether or not a goal is scored and the result of the match, are final.
"The referee may only change a decision on realising that it is incorrect or, at his discretion, on the advice of an assistant referee or the fourth official, provided that he has not restarted play or terminated the match."
So that's it. No replay unless you're Uzbeki or Bahraini.
The FAI hit back with a terse: "We hope Fifa and its disciplinary committee will, on behalf of football fans world-wide, act in a similar fashion so that the standards of fair play and integrity can be protected."
Trapattoni questioned their competence of the Swedish trio and still wants to know why Fifa seeded the play-off draw at late notice, making things, theoretically, easier for the French (at this point most people would mention UEFA president Michel Platini hails from just across the channel, but that would be very provocative), though they made heavy weather of it.
Trapattoni's final verdict: "All sports lose credibility with this situation - it affects the integrity of the game. For me it's bitter. There are many questions.
"There are many doubts that have to be eliminated. Out of the non-seeded teams we were the only ones to play the second game away - why?"
La Figaro quotes Henry saying this: "I know what it is you want me to say and I am not going to lie - there was hand.
"The ball hit my hand and I continued to play. The referee didn't blow his whistle and there was a goal. Obviously I would have preferred that things panned out differently but I am not the official. I do not think we have stolen qualification."
Sorry Thierry, you're wrong. In the digital age, which so much at stake, either you get banned for cheating... or the match gets replayed.
But we all know neither will happen. France are through, it's what the big guys wanted.