PROUD TO BE MR MASHABA'S MONKEY: Why BafanaBafana need more guerrillas, less yes men

MONKEY BUSINESS: BafanaBafana coach Shakes Mashaba

TODAY I am a monkey. A footballing guerrilla. One who sits on the back of our national coach, awaiting eviction. This is my tail.

As South Africa basks in the glory of a come-from-behind 3-1 win over Angola, Ephraim "Shakes" Mashaba did the talking for himself this weekend rather than relying on a series of questions from his son, as he did during a run of eight competitive defeats in charge of BafanaBafana.

To recap: There was the epic 2-2 draw in Nigeria, followed by three failures at AFCON 2015, then COSAFA penalty shoot-out defeats on home soil against Botswana and Malawi, followed by 0-0 against Gambia and 1-3 in Mauritania to kick-off AFCON 2017 qualifying. Tough times, by any standards.

There’s almost no point in mentioning CHAN, the competition for home-based players, where we crashed out to Angola last month, despite an away win in the second leg.

Clearly though, nothing is going to change. Selection will be eccentric, team talks will be confusing, flights to and from Bafana games will continue to be chaotic with barely an independent journalist making the trip to tell us what's really going on.

With SAFA president Danny Jordaan ruling Port Elizabeth and Technical Director Neil Tovey limiting his involvement to critical television performances, I decided to change tack.

I spent last week in #shakysupport mode (though I could never quite get it trending on twitter) despite the inexplicable absence of Kermit Erasmus and Keagan Dolly on the trip to Benguela and the inclusion of four injured players.

I stuck to #shakysupport even when Brilliant Khuzwayo refused to replace Itumeleng Khune in the squad (the Sunday Sun suggests he was partying in Umlazi rather than attending to family matters, but that’s another story) and wished Wayne Sandilands well when he was called up as the third goalkeeper.

When Jackson Mabokgwane of Mpumalanga Black Aces was named as captain, again, a public pat on the back. When Andile Jali got sent off after scoring from the penalty spot, there was no need to slam the man. Job done. The Moses Mabhida Stadium on Tuesday night should be one long celebration, Angola need a 3-0 win and they’re NOT going to get it.

No need for monkey business. So here’s what Ephraim Mashaba said when Bafana returned (on the same flight, remarkably) from Angola to the Maharani Hotel in Durban on Sunday: “I want those monkeys to sit on my back and I don't want them to jump off, please.

“The weight that they’re putting on me, it keeps me on my toes, because I'm also saying 'I've got to feed them, these monkeys' and how do I feed them? I deliver, that's all. Feed them by delivering.”

And of course, he’s right. No national coach deserves to escape criticism. Early on in his reign, the Sunday Times Sports Editor Dr BBK Shortarse claimed Mashaba was under scrutiny because of his “levels of melanin”. He has since been nominated for journalist of the year.

Mashaba did the same, claiming he is discriminated against because of his skin colour. Utter bunkum of course. Gordon Igesund has low melanin levels but got so tired of this monkey he tried to sue.

Truth is, like Gord and Pitso before him, Shaky DOES need monkeys on his back. His ability as a coach is completely unproven at any level, his tactical acumen is a little old-fashioned. His substitutions are eccentric, his eagerness to rotate captains and goalkeepers is legend. Clearly Tovey’s appointment, months later than Jordaan promised, has had no impact.

But hey, we beat Angola, and we’ll probably beat them again on Tuesday night. But hold on, Mr Mashaba, the monkeys won’t be going anywhere. Next up? The group stages of the 2018 World Cup. And because we have the disadvantage of being a CAF nation, only the winners go through from the five groups of four. At least, unlike 2014, there will be no play-off against a seeded group winner to follow.

The road to Russia 2018 is a long one, a cold one... especially for Africa, where only FIVE out of 54 nations can qualify.

So too is the road to AFCON 2017 in Gabon, where one point from two games leaves Bafana needing to beat Cameroon TWICE to stand any chance of topping the group.

Braver primates will continue to plague Mashaba, even after this fantastic win in Angola. The yes men, and there are plenty of them, will say he’s evolved beyond gorilla warfare.

Me? I’ll just carry on pointing out the rights and wrongs, with a minimum of gibberish. That’s the job. Right on the monkey.

ONE POINT AND NO HOPE: The Bafana Bafana verdict. Warning: contains criticism.

ONE POINT: Shakes Mashaba promised FIVE

The sickness that lies at the heart of South African football can no longer be ignored. Bafana Bafana’s epic failure in Equatorial Guinea has reduced the proud diski nation to a laughing stock, a model for rival African nations to ignore.

Ephraim Mashaba, a coach tried several times before at the pinnacle of our game, epitomises the failings, the blind spots, the weaknesses. After a strong performance in qualifying where AFCON 2013 champions Nigeria were left behind by unbeaten Shakes and his new model army, we were just starting to believe.

Then the arrogance crept in. The arrogance that makes South Africa the team to beat all over the continent. And boy, do we take a beating up north. And not just on the football pitch.

Rather than pushing on with SAFA’s vision of a new, young Bafana Bafana, Mashaba led us straight up the garden path and in to the rickety shed marked “Same old mistakes”. Or is it “Same old Shakes”?

He said he’d win it. He shrugged off the Group of Death. He promised us success, like a punch-drunk boxer trying to extend a canvas-licking career. Laughable really, from a man who complained about being described as the “cheap but sensible” option by this writer (quoting SAFA president Danny Jordaan) from the outset.

Going in to a distinctly dodgy tournament where the banned hosts were offered the easiest of draws and South Africa were pooled with three of the toughest nations on the continent, Shakes sneered: “This is not the Group of Death, this is the Group of Life. It’s not about "will we go through?" but who will go through with us.”

He said we would pick up five points and remain unbeaten against Algeria, Senegal and Ghana. When he departed Oliver Tambo International, he told us: “I’ve packed for six weeks, I’m not coming back early, no way.”

And here we are, on a bleak morning lightened only by the blessed relief of Eskom load shedding in many areas and obscuring our view. We ended with ONE POINT. We ended BOTTOM OF THE GROUP. We ended WITH THE SAME OLD EXCUSES.


The Mashaba explanation this morning: "We want to win, we just don't know how to."

Shakes went to the tournament defying all conventions. In his arrogance, those who, like me, asked questions about his bizarre 34-man provisional squad found themselves blocked by SAFA and Bafana Bafana on twitter. He picked nine players belonging to one agent, several of whom weren’t even playing regularly for their clubs in the PSL.

At a loss: how South Africans feel this morning

Time and again he refused to listen to reasonable pleas for sanity. May Mahlangu was banned for being fatigued. FC Twente’s Kamehelo Mokotjo had already been dumped and told he “looked heavy” after travelling 12000 miles and not making an appearance early in his reign. The final straw? Thulani Serero, our only Champions League star, was booted out when he “didn’t report to camp”. Thing was, SAFA had told him to report on January 4. He was axed on December 30. Work that one out.

And then, of course, the ridiculous hype before the tournament. The dodgy friendly wins so reminiscent of the pre-World Cup era in 2010. Zambia, Cameroon, Mali all too comfortably dealt with, encouraging a tidal wave of Shakes-mania with no questions asked. For a nation still living under the shadow of unpunished match-fixing the naivety was – is – astonishing.

By the time Sports Minister Fikile Mbalula arrived to assume his role as sport’s least attractive – and loudest – cheerleader, Bafana had already thrown away the opening game against Algeria. Mbalula was allowed to strut around the camp, with no questions asked. He was “calming the nerves” and “entertaining our troops” according to one of our top broadcasters. What a joke.

Criticism, even at that point, was condemned as unpatriotic. Inaccurate reports from within the camp, where only “approved” journalists dared to tread, gave us hilarious tales: Rivaldo Coetzee was “too mentally weak to recover from his knee problem”; Brilliant Khuzwayo was “aloof and arrogant”; Oupa Manyisa was “dropped after a late afternoon training injury”.

All utter balderdash. With lickspittle assistants Owen Da Gama and Thabo Senong (and the SAFA media men) egging him on, Shakes could do no wrong. Refusing to confirm his captain until the last possible minute, changing goalkeepers for all three games (and the preceding friendlies), playing Manyisa on the left, calling up Ayanda Gcaba, a THIRD Orlando Pirates right back, when Patrick Phungwayo’s injury struck.

These were the actions of a man out of control, unable to contain his enthusiasm for his own voice, his own bizarre views on football. He acts like Sir Alex Ferguson but has the talent of Vladimir Vermecovic.

Three times at AFCON 2015, Bafana went 1-0 up. Three times Mashaba failed to adjust to the situation, hold on to a lead, show even an ounce of modern tactical acumen. He went in to the tournament with two-and-a-half centre-backs and no left-footed talent.

SAFA president Jordaan promised me Mashaba’s appointment would be followed by the naming of a “fully-qualified, big-name” Technical Director. Danny said Shakes would have sessions with FIFA’s guru Gerard Houllier, the former Liverpool boss. Instead, Mashaba was left to do his own thing, have his own way.

Instead, fuelled by the growing crowd of yes-men surrounding him, Shakes completely lost the plot. Any advantages gained in a qualifying campaign which defied the loss of Senzo Meyiwa and Itumeleng Khune are lost. The youngsters – apart from Rivaldo Coetzee, who isn’t half the man Tefu Mashamaite is – have faded from view.

While his beloved AmaJita blossomed at the Commonwealth Cup in Russia under caretaker David Ntoane, Mashaba was fiddling with players who have simply passed their best-by date. In the end, the average age in Equatorial Guinea was barely a year younger than Gordon Igesund’s squad in 2013, who surged through their AFCON group and went out in the quarter-finals on penalties.

There are no signs of improvement from the dark days of #ingordwetrust. #shakesknowsbest reveals no real crusade for youth, no departure from the agent collusion confirmed by PSL chairman Irvin Khoza before Christmas.

All I see is a repeat of 2003, when Mashaba was fired for refusing to pick our overseas stars for a friendly against England. Speak to those lads today, ask them about Shakes and his methods. Or have an off-the-record chat with most of the top PSL coaches. What was it Mark Fish said to me the day Shakes got the job? “This is a massive step backwards”.

After the disastrous failure against Ghana, Shakes emerged with this: “I think we need to go back to our basics of playing football, knowing when to do things, how to do things, and where to do them.

"Why rush when you're one goal up? Why were we were knocking it back to them? That's where the problems lie."

The problem lies of course with Mashaba himself. Our top European stars, playing at a level far better than you’ll ever see in the PSL, aren’t just absent. They are banished.

The heart of South Africa’s brave new world – Serero, Mokotjo and Mahlangu with Siyanda Xulu and others barely mentioned – has been torn out. They’re all under 25 and on the Bafana scrapheap.

We have no idea who our best goalkeeper is this morning. Neither does Shakes. We have no idea why Kermit Erasmus and Lehlohonolo Majoro were left behind. Does Shakes?

We will cling on to Mandla Masango’s cracking volley last night but in truth: how many shots did we have? I have yet to see a nation capable of taking this AFCON by the scruff of the neck but we’re going home with the sniggers of the continent ringing in our ears.


Then this from Mashaba: "Thanks to the people back home, they are sad today. But next time they will be happy." Really? Next time?

Shakes, of course, is going nowhere. The yes men and chubby cheerleaders will see to that.

So we look forward to what? A PSL, resuming on February 10, racked by dodgy agents and “club managers”; a domestic game with falling attendances and academies closed by age cheating. A transfer window dominated by a failure to extend contracts rather than a search for new talent. A top flight where the unbeaten leaders are 18 points clear without the need for a real striker.

Our only hope of reclaiming respectability? Strong performances from Mamelodi Sundowns and Kaizer Chiefs in the African Champions League.

I won’t be holding my breath.