Swann will tear you apart... again

GRAEME SWANN'S press conference last night (above) at the end of day three was, as you might expect, a little out of the ordinary.

The Nottinghamshire spin bowler, 31, spent eight years languishing in exile after his debut in 2000. Because, apparently, the powers-that-be (also known as old farts) felt he was a little too cocky, loud, abrasive.

What a waste of the man who is rapidly emerging as England's finest current cricketer. Over the last three days of the first Test against South Africa at Centurion, he has been our player of the day every day. He spent two days bowling in the searing heat to take 5-110 then, after watching the rest of the so-called batsman, he emerged to thrash an astonishing Test-best 85 to put England back in the game.

And then came the chat afterwards. On Twitter last night, these little gems: "I'm going to have another room date with Cookie tonight. If it ain't broke..." (a reference to a jokey twitter over his feelings for one Alastair Cook earlier in the week). That came after: "In the words of George, in Blackadder goes forth as gorgeous georgina...i feel fantastic!"

And of course, he had every right to. Five wickets and 85 runs puts him at a level few of the world's all-rounders can hope to maintain. But he has always fancied himself as both a batter and a bowler. English cricket just tends to stifle those who believe they can do both.

There's a suggestion Swann might just be the

best No9 bat in the world. And on hearing Australia captain Ricky Ponting had batted in that position yesterday against the West Indies and made just 2, Swann gloated last night: "How many did he get? Draw your own conclusions."

And told it was the highest score from an England No9 for 38 years, he snapped: "I was kind of hoping it might be the highest ever. If I'd known, I'd have carried on pushing it round."

There was plenty more. How he was going back to lecture the early-order batters on their technique, how finger-spinning is the toughest job in the world, absolute entertainment. Pity the poor soul who talks after him, in this case the South African spinner Paul Harris, who didn't make a bad fist of it.But Swanny wasn't finished. This morning, by Twitter: "I am wearing my lucky pants again today, despite them being a trifle crusty. Let's hope for wickets this morning."It worked, just two overs in, nightwatchman Harris was caught with his knickers in a twist. Well, not literally.

Jimmy Anderson’s delivery was shaping just wide of his leg stump when the ball caught in his trousers and was dragged back onto the wicket. Bowled for 11, South Africa 20-2.

What was it Swannie said last night: “We’ll get the non-batsman out in the morning and go from there!” And that was with his arch-rival Harris standing at the back of the room, waiting to talk to the media!

South Africa lost their second of the morning, third of the innings when Graeme Onions produced a corker which might have bent a bit and captain Graeme Smith was gone for 12, a rare double failure for the man who ducked out so early in the first innings. South Africa 34-3. Anyone's game.

The drinks are on Ntini as England battle

FORGET Centurion, think Rourke’s Drift as England face the ferocious South Africans with the sun beating down, missiles whistling past and backs firmly to the wall. Unusually though, three South Africans in English colours – Andrew, Strauss, Kevin Pietersen and Jonathan Trott – were charged with leading the resistance.

By lunch, Strauss and Trott were gone leaving Pietersen – on 27 including a welcome six off spinner Paul Harris – and true Brit Paul Collingwood (5 not out) to guide the tourists to 142-3. England put on just 55 in the 27 overs of the morning session, they are still a distant 275 behind. But at least a massacre had been averted.

The once-docile first Test pitch, which allowed the home side to plod along to 418, has given way to a snarling day-three monster which claimed captain Andrew Strauss just seven overs into the morning session, having added just two runs to his impressive overnight 44.

It was drinks all round (above, at 11am here!) as Makhaya Ntini, on his 100^th appearance, got one to zip through low beneath Strauss’s desperate defence to rattle the furniture. Sponsors Castle lager were offering a free beer to everyone in the ground when Ntini takes a wicket.

The Barmy Army were first in the queue, despite their chronic disappointment – and there may be more to come as this pitch refuses to behave in a civilised manner. In his second over Morne Morkel got on to fizz low and deviate off an indentation, leaving the cautious Trott befuddled.

And four balls before Strauss eventually fell, Ntini did likewise. He pitched one on a length, Strauss played forward, and the ball slid beneath his blade and almost brushed the stumps. Strauss shrugged, defeat in his eyes. We all knew what he was thinking. It’s hot, it’s nasty and we’re 300 runs behind. How am I supposed to survive this?

Ntini promptly struck with England on 98, having added a paltry eight off the seven overs bowled. Suddenly the ease with which Strauss and Trott added 63 in 17 overs last night was forgotten. And so where the scathing remarks from non-bowling all-rounder Jacques Kallis last night, who slammed his bowlers for their initial efforts.

Kallis had said the South Africans had a plan for Strauss, who dominated England’s last tour here five years ago. But he complained: “Our bowlers let us down, they didn’t stick to the plan.”

They didn’t need a plan today. Just bowl quick and straight, let the dry, hardening pitch with nasty indentations do the work. Local hero Allan Donald, the retired quickie, said as much at the end of day one when captain Graeme Smith and coach Mickey Arthur went out to have a squint at the track. Donald said: “They’re looking for indentations. This will get harder and faster and it may suit South Africa. It’s a bit of a road at the moment, but it could become a real test of character.”

As Strauss’s wicket broke, Ntini ran to sun-soaked fans, arms raised. His 389^th wicket puts him one closer to Shaun Pollock’s South African record of 421 Test victims. Not a bad morning for South Africa’s first black cricketer, who had already received a congratulatory letter from Nelson Mandela, the former President who brought peace to this nation and added colour to their sports teams in 1993.

Following Strauss’s abject departure, Pietermaritzburg-born Pietersen came out to join Cape Town-born Trott. The only non-South African on the field? Paul Harris, born in Salisbury, Rhodesia, now known as Harare, Zimbabwe.

Pietersen got a remarkably quiet welcome from the Centurion fans, who are no great lovers of the English and their adopted followers, who built a Boer Concentration Camp which devastated the local populace barely a stone-throw from this ground just over a century ago.

The lack of boos was probably down to the free-flowing booze being handed out to the gathering of about 5,000 basking beneath this harsh African sun in honour of Ntini’s success.

Trott and Pietersen did their best to handle the conditions, surviving the odd shooter but looking distinctly uncomfortable until the arrival of the very ordinary spinner Harris.

Then, after an unbelievably patient 117 balls, Trott made the mistake of thinking Harris could turn the ball. He charged down the pitch, took a huge heave allowing for spin... and the ball simply kept dead straight and caught the top of his leg stump. England were 119-3 and Trott – who scored just four in a partnership of 21 with KP lasting 13 dreadful overs - will spend many nights thinking about the wisdom of that shot.

While England freezes and closes transport systems in five inches of snow, the brand new money-eating Gautrain rail system being built for the World Cup next year is shimmering in the heat.

And England look like their steam-powered victory bid, never likely to arrive on time, could soon be derailed by Ntini, the 32-year-old Mdingi Express or Harris, the 31-year old slow train from Harare.

ORGET Centurion, this is Rourke’s Drift as England face the ferocious South African hordes with the sun beating down, missiles whistling past and backs firmly to the wall. Unusually though, two South Africans in English colours – Kevin Pietersen and Jonathan Trott – were sent out to lead the resistance.

The once-docile first Test pitch, which allowed the home side to plod along to 418, has given way to a snarling day-three monster which claimed captain Andrew Strauss just seven overs into the morning session, having added just two runs to his impressive overnight 44.

It was drinks all round as Makhaya Ntini, on his 100^th appearance, got one to zip through low beneath Strauss’s desperate defence to rattle the furniture. Sponsors Castle lager were offering a free beer to everyone in the ground when Ntini takes a wicket.

The Barmy Army were first in the queue, despite their chronic disappointment – and there may be more to come as this pitch refuses to behave in a civilised manner. In his second over Morne Morkel got on to fizz low and deviate off an indentation, leaving Jonathan Trott befuddled.

And four balls before Strauss eventually fell, Ntini did likewise. He pitched one on a length, Strauss played forward, and the ball slid beneath his blade and almost brushed the stumps. Strauss shrugged, defeat in his eyes. We all knew what he was thinking. It’s hot, it’s nasty and we’re 300 runs behind. How am I supposed to survive this?

Ntini promptly struck with England on 98, having added a paltry eight off the seven overs bowled. Suddenly the ease with which Strauss and Trott added 63 in 17 overs last night was forgotten. And so where the scathing remarks from non-bowling all-rounder Jacques Kallis last night, who slammed his bowlers for their initial efforts.

Kallis had said the South Africans had a plan for Strauss, who dominated England’s last tour here five years ago. But he complained: “Our bowlers let us down, they didn’t stick to the plan.”

They didn’t need a plan today. Just bowl quick and straight, let the dry, hardening pitch with nasty indentations do the work. Local hero Allan Donald, the retired quickie, said as much at the end of day one when captain Graeme Smith and coach Mickey Arthur went out to have a squint at the track. Donald said: “They’re looking for indentations. This will get harder and faster and it may suit South Africa. It’s a bit of a road at the moment, but it could become a real test of character.”

As Strauss’s wicket broke, Ntini ran to sun-soaked fans, arms raised. His 389^th wicket puts him closer to Shaun Pollock’s South African record of 421 Test victims. Not a bad morning for South Africa’s first black cricketer, who had already received a congratulatory letter from Nelson Mandela, the former President who brought peace to this nation and added colour to their sports teams in 1993.

Following Strauss’s abject departure, Pietermaritzburg-born Kevin Pietersen came out to join Cape Town-born Jonathan Trott. The only non-South African on the field? Paul Harris, born in Salisbury, Rhodesia, now known as Harare, Zimbabwe.

Pietersen got a remarkably quite welcome from the Centurion fans, who are no great lovers of the English and their adopted followers, who built a Boer Concentration Camp which devastated the local populace barely a stone-throw from this ground just over a century ago.

The lack of boos was probably down to the free-flowing booze being handed out to the gathering of about 5,000 basking beneath this harsh African sun in honour of Ntini’s success.

Trott and Pietersen did their best to handle the conditions, surviving the odd shooter but looking distinctly uncomfortable until the arrival of the very ordinary spinner Harris.

Then, after an unbelievably patient 117 balls, Trott made the mistake of thinking Harris could turn the ball. He charged down the pitch, took a huge heave allowing for spin... and the ball simply kept dead straight and caught the top of his leg stump. England were 119-3 and Trott will spend many nights thinking about the wisdom of that shot.

While England freezes and closes transport systems in five inches of snow, the brand new money-eating Guatrain rail system being built for the World Cup next year is shimmering in the heat.

And England look like their steam-powered victory bid, never likely to arrive on time, could soon be derailed by Ntini, the 32-year-old Mdingi Express.

Swann ends Bore War but Cook overheats

GRAEME SWANN take a bow. Rarely in the history of spin bowling have so many overs been bowled in such heat for so few. And he ended with his third five-wicket haul in Test cricket. Ignore the fact England have lost Alastair Cook early in their reply, Swann is the man.

Not only did his 45 miserly overs in extreme temperatures keep England in touch with South Africa, who were all out for 418 when many were predicting a score of 500-plus. His 5-110 also ended the Bore War, which broke out around tea-time when the South African tail-enders decided to strangle the first Test.

In Perth this morning, Chris Gayle hit the fifth fastest hundred in Test history with a 70-ball whirlwind against Australia. In direct contrast, Paul Harris (38 off 89 balls) and debutant Friedel de Wet (20 off 67) barely produced an attacking shot in a ninth wicket partnership worth 37 off nearly 17 overs in a bizarre attempt to put a crowd of 9,000 to sleep all at once. In the 10 overs before tea, they scored 11. Ho-hum.

Oh for a Gayle force to blow here. But when England came in to bat, such feats looked a very distant prospect. Makhaya Ntini, winning his 100^th cap, came roaring in and had Cook dropped in the first over, right through the hands of AB De Villiers at third slip.

De Wet was less boring with the ball than the bat. His first delivery in Test cricket was a massive leg side wide in the Steve Harmison style. His second beat Andrew Strauss all ends up.

But after that dodgy start, England’s opening pair began to settle until the sixth over when, with England on 25, Cook got the slightest of edges to De Wet and wicketkeeper Mark Boucher, out for a painful 49 in earlier the day, snaffled the catch. No pesky review required.

Cook had been looking good until that point, cracking three fours and scoring 15 off 17 balls while Strauss stayed in his shell. With a minimum of 20 overs remaining, England are 26-1 - any further losses would seriously take the gloss of England’s efforts in the field.

Jimmy Anderson may have turned the course of this game when he had the heroic Jacques Kallis, who looked like he could bat forever despite a rib injury, caught at second slip by Paul Collingwood for 120 early in the day.

But Swann’s effort was quite incredible and Onions, 3-86, bowling with a calf strain, deserves a mention too. Paul Collingwood picked up a record-equalling four catches - only Marcus Trescothick has taken as many in the outfield in an England innings – against mighty Zimbabwe in 2003.